Sorry for the month long hiatus. Issues with the server and such, but boy have I missed a bunch. Check back soon, more to come

Posted under Uncategorized

Since we are all going to die soon, I thought I would share my survival plans with the few people left on the planet still alive to read this. Luckily, I watch CNN nonstop for some years now and I am quite prepared for the hog-apocalypse. As of now, in my moms basement pandemic bunker I have stockpiled:

-3 years worth of canned food, a generator and gas for 2 years left over from Y2K

-12 dozen boxes of surgical masks I picked up in order to survive the SARS outbreak.

-155 doses of Cipro I bought online after the 2001 anthrax attacks (at least I think it’s Cipro)

-200 gallons of DEET I bought to prevent dying of the West Nile Virus.

-And finally, my Bird Flu prevention kit consisting of a FFP3 standard respirator, bird flu gloves, shoe-covers, goggles and 300 disposable aprons.

In addition to my media induced panic preparedness, I have contacted Rob Lowe, Gary Sinese, Molly Ringwald, Parker Lewis, Dauber from Coach and the creepy My favorite Martian guy. We are setting off across the country to find Ruby Dee and fight Jamey Sheridan (sorry, I didn’t have a character reference for those two). I am thinking about inviting that chick from Just Shoot Me but I’m not really sure (she seems like the kinda slut who would hook up with the Devil; just sayin.)

Anyway, the way I figure it, the Pig Zombies will be planning to use a nuclear warhead to destroy those of us that are uninfected but at the last minute a cartoon hand of God (hand of God, what the eff, right?) will detonate the warhead and save the world.

M O O N, that spells: media driven, fear inducing, sensationalist ratings boost

I really hope someone (I mean out of who’s left alive after the Swine Flu apocalypse) actually gets those references from a cheaply produced TV movie from the early 90s.

Posted under Humorous, Non-Baseball

It’s kinda like the original, except less so and much more lame.

Sorry for the lack of recent posts, but can you really blame me. Aside from Johan Santana, this season basically picked up where last season left off. They’re hitting, just not with guys in scoring position. That juggernaut of 2006 seems like a dream it happened so long ago. I don’t think we’ve seen this current incarnation of Mets play as a team since.

The Mets needed a big bat in the offseason and didn’t want to pay for it. Pay on the cheap and this is what happens. Sheffield doesn’t even fit that bill. Other than the hopes that Sheff brings the crazy to break the monotony of another mediocre summer, I could care less that he’s on the team.

Wright is moving to the five slot, Beltran to hit third. Might as well, nothing else works. Maybe we could draw the lineup out of a hat and see what works. Who knows.

Also, Manuel wants Beltran to steal more bases. I’m glad Jerry’s been paying attention because we all know how well Beltran excels when he has a minor leg injury.

Posted under Angry Rant

After an eight run inning, the USA beat Team Venezuela 15-6 in Sunday’s World Baseball Classic. The win assured Team USA a spot in the second round of the World Baseball Classic.

The USA will play in Pool C in Miami. The round is scheduled for next weekend but is currently being dismissed with a wanking motion by me.

Honestly, who cares about this crap? The WBC is about as interesting as the daily Chris Brown update. All this is a waste of time for the purpose of, I don’t know…injuring half your pitching staff. Is this even televised on ESPN: the Ocho? I guess this is for foreigners that care about crap like the soccer world cup.

Not to dismiss soccer as the lower tier sport that it is; baseball doesn’t work that way. I love the USA and I love many players from the USA. I also hate many players from the USA. I care more about what team the player plays for. Team loyalty trumps national origin.

I really hope this is the last year of this ill-thought experiment.

Posted under Uncategorized

Poor A-Rod. He can’t even win the most shocking baseball story of the week. I swear to God I didn’t make this up.

Ho-Lee-Shit. In a story that reads like I wrote it, the New York Daily News reports that the former Mets second basemen and waste of money, Roberto Alomar, uh…has AIDS. Even more insane; that isn’t the most shocking part of the story. Alomar was raped by, uh, just read for yourself: From the NY Daily News:

Baseball great Roberto Alomar has full-blown AIDS but insisted on having unprotected sex, his ex-girlfriend
charged Tuesday in a bombshell lawsuit.

Alomar’s skin had turned purple, he was foaming at the mouth and a spinal tap “showed he had full-blown AIDS,” the suit says.

Ok, hold on. Who has sex with anyone, protected or not with someone whose skin has turned purple and is foaming at the mouth? Well, besides this chick and my ex-girlfriend I mean.

Don’t stop reading yet cause it gets even weirder:

In April 2005, Alomar told Dall he was suffering from erectile dysfunction and confided “he was raped by two Mexican men after playing a ballgame in New Mexico or a Southwestern state when he was 17,” the suit says.

Wow, just wow. I think they buried the lede there. Was it directly after the game? Was it on the field? Was the raped connected to the outcome of the game, like loser gets raped?* That is some high stakes baseball. And how could he not remember the state? I played a lot of baseball growing up and when I was 17 I remember every city and state I got raped in after a tough loss. Uh, what? Nevermind. Who said that?

Moving on,

“I don’t have HIV,” he told her repeatedly, the suit charges.

They broke up last October.

.

Well that’s good; he saved money on a cake at least

She is demanding at least $15 million in punitive damages, claiming Alomar caused her emotional distress and exposed her children to the virus.

This chick has sex with a guy foaming at the mouth and purple, somehow doesn’t get infected, stays with him for almost two years after finding out about his disease and wants 15 mil. Talk about pushing your luck.
I just came up with a way to avoid another September collapse. Remember Jerry Manuel’s threats to Jose Reyes during a game? I thought I would update it:

2008 Motivation:

“I told him next time he does that I’m going to get my blade out and cut him. I’m a gangster. You go gangster on me, I’m going to have to get you. You do that again, I’m going to cut you right on the field,”

2009 New and Improved Motivation

“I told him next time he does that I’m going to get my c$#k out and f*ck him. I’m a rapist. You go soft on me, I’m going to have to get you. You do that again, I’m going to f*ck you right on the field,”

This has got to be the most disturbing thing ever posted on this site, which is saying quite a bit.

Posted under FJM ripoff, Pete Alfano, Uncategorized

Yankees shortstop and former Texas Ranger and Seattle Mariner Alex Rodriguez admitted taking performance enhancing drugs while with the Texas Rangers in an interview with ESPN’s Peter Gammons on Monday.

Rodriguez, who’s name was leaked in connection to a positive test result for PEDs in 2003 apologized in the hopes of appearing sincere and remorseful; quite a high goal to set for someone who’s never been sincere or remorseful in his entire life.

Rodriguez told Gammons, ““When I arrived at Texas in 2001 I felt an enormous amount of pressure to perform,” then added: “Back then it was a different culture. It was loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naïve. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance, and for that I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”

Rodriguez latest comments are a stark contrast from an article published in ESPN magazine in April of 2004 shortly after his trade to the Yankees in which Rodriguez wrote:

“I hit rock bottom in the middle of the [2003] season. I remember driving home with my wife, Cynthia, after a game and telling her, ‘I just don’t see the light. Where is the light? What am I in this for?’ I would have never gone to Texas if they had told me, ‘Alex, it’s going to be you and 24 kids.’ Never.”

“I am guilty of being negligent, naïve, not asking all the right questions,” and after a brief awkward pause, he added “I am also guilty of banging manly chicks.”

The perennial all-star continued “It wasn’t a real dramatic day. I started experimenting with things that today are not legal, that today are not accepted.” He continued, “Ya know Peter, girls with mustaches are like mopeds, they’re fun to ride until your friends see you on one.”

Rodriguez added: “I am sorry for my Texas years. I apologize to the fans of Texas.” Rodriguez’s bizarre apology comes 3 months after the Longhorns shocking defeat against the Texas Tech Red Raiders in Lubbock.

The three time MVP will likely take the place of homerun king Barry Bonds as the face of the steroid problem in baseball.

Though Rodriguez clearly admitted to taking some form of performance enhancing drug, not all were ready to accept or believe his transgressions. When reached for comment, former cheater Roger Clemens went on the record adamantly proclaiming Rodriguez’s absolute innocence, “His body never changed. If he was putting that stuff up in his body, if what he’s saying which is totally false, if he’s doing that, he should have a third ear coming out of his forehead. He should be pulling tractors with his teeth.”

Not all of Rodriguez associates were supportive on the third baseman. When reached for comment Madonna was quoted as saying “Here’s the sound of Alex’s syringe when he injects himself,” followed by a loud screeching noise. “I can’t believe that he would mislead the public like that. People should just be who they are.” The Detroit native and crazy woman then became distracted leaving on foot to pursue a passing pedestrian shouting, “Oy govna, shine ya shoes for half a shilling, I will, I will.”

Posted under Humorous

The Gym at 9pm huh? I guess when a drug dealer recognizes you, one way to control the story is to claim they were carjackers:

DALLAS -
A former felon University of Miami and Dallas Cowboy star said he almost purchased drugs was nearly carjacked Monday night, until the would-be drug dealers robbers recognized him.

Michael Irvin said he was driving to buy crack the gym when robbers pulled alongside him and flashed a vial gun at him as he drove in Dallas at about 9 p.m.

“Absolutely I was afraid of getting caught again,” he said. “I was very afraid so I came up with this story to discredit the dealers.”

Irvin, who was driving a new, white Range Rover, said a truck followed him to a stoplight.

“I was looking in my rearview for my usual dealer, and I saw this black truck flying up behind me,” he said.

The passenger rolled down his window and offered a vial to pointed a gun at him.
Irvin said his work on the field may have endangered saved his already badly damaged reputation life because the would-be drug dealers carjacker recognized him.

“He put it away, because he recognized me. He said, ‘Hey, Mike Irvin, what’s up? Mike Irving, man, we are big Cowboy fans,’” Irvin said.

Irvin, who was known as “The Playmaker,” said he knew his next lie play might be his most important one yet.

He followed the man’s lead and started talking about the Cowboys in hopes to buy time and construct this highly implausible story.
“And I was like, ‘Yeah man, you know, I miss playing, and boy, I’m sorry we couldn’t win a Super Bowl this year,’ because I’m just trying to get his mind on something else so he doesn’t tell people I tried to buy drugs pull that gun back up again,” Irvin said.

He said his drug trafficking pistol-packing fans sped off after several minutes.

“I was like, ‘Wow, you were a coward there, Michael,’” he said injecting some false humility in hopes of adding credibility to this questionable tale. “Even when he pulled off, I still did not get that license plate and not because I made it up or anything but because this really happened.”

Irvin said he is thanking God for his life and his legacy with the Dallas Cowboys and hoping fans are gullible to buy this story.

“‘I’m a huge Cowboy fan’ it never sounded so sweet before like it did last night, even coming from him,” he said.

Irvin, a husband and father of four, said he went home and hugged his wife and children, saying a high it never felt so good.

Police said they do not have any suspects other than Irvin in the case.

NOTE: The Deletions were how the story should have been written.

Posted under Humorous, Non-Baseball, Unsubstantiated Rumors

Spring Training is approaching quickly and the Mets, despite making major changes to their beleaguered bullpen, have done nothing to address the team’s needs for position players. No one wants to watch a Tatis/Murphy platoon in left and Luis Castillo at second. No one. The Mets desperately need a power bat in the lineup. A couple thoughts:

Ditch Castillo. I know he’s got that ridiculous contract, so what. Offload him somewhere. The Mets will have to pay the lion’s share of the freight, so what. He’s not getting any younger or healthier and New York isn’t going to be any easier a place to play in the next few years. This guy could be the next Kaz Matsui except with more trips to the DL. And don’t whine about the economy, use the money you were going to give Bernie Madoff and pay his way out of town.

Give Murphy secondbase to lose Let the guy compete for the deuce in Port St. Lucie. Is Dan Murphy the next piece of the Mets long term core? Hellifiknow. Let’s find out. It beats the hell out of watching Castillo flail at outside pitches all year.

Trade for Nady I may have already written a thousand articles advocating a trade for Nady but since he’s no longer under control of the Pirates and rumored to be shopped by the Yanks, make the deal now. We know Nady. Nady works in New York; sign him now.

Bring Uncle Cliff Back. I have railed against the Mets signing aging players and expecting results many, many times in the past. This is different. Cliffy Floyd won’t be expected to play everyday, shoot, he only played in 80 games last year. Cliff is respected as a veteran leader and clubhouse presence and it isn’t like he’s say, oh I don’t know, a 42 year old player who pees on his hands. I always felt that Cliff’s departure took away some of the great chemistry the Mets had in 2006. Omar is going to bring in some aging has been anyway, might as well be someone we already love.

Sure these moves aren’t as sexy as signing Manny Ramirez. Let’s face it; that is never going to happen. The above moves can allow Omar to concentrate on shoring up the rotation when and if Boras ever decides to let one of his clients sign.

Posted under Uncategorized

The deal for Derek Lowe still isnt done. Based on an inside source close to no one, and verified by a source that I just made up, Boras won’t lower Lowe’s asking price and is confident another suitor will emerge, most likely Philly or Boston.

Meanwhile, the Mets, wary of repeating last years mistake of waiting it out for the best player available and neglecting other aspects of the team (namely bullpen) have extended an offer to Tim Redding and have now made Oliver Perez their main target to fill the hole in the rotation. Redding will be merely an insurance arm that may be plugged into the bullpen and pushed into a starting role should Perez struggle.

The longer this years off-season wears on with so much inaction, the more likely we will be stuck with a leftfield platoon of Dan Murphy and Fernando Tatis and a season of watching Luis Castillo limping out to second, hacking at outside pitches and not moving Reyes over in 2009. Oh, goodie.

Posted under Unsubstantiated Rumors

I usually try not to take pleasure in others misery, however there are two exemptions: Cowboy and Yankee failure. While the collapse of the Yankees is still underway, This Sunday the nation was treated to watching the Dallas Cowboys circle the drain of garbage NFL franchises.

I wasn’t plan on writing anything on this so forgive me if I don’t go into more detail. If you watched the game, there’s no need to expound on the incontinence of so called “America’s Team.” After watching the elimiation after hearing for a year this team was a lock to win the Superbowl, I went my local grocer after the game and was treated to this sight. Enjoy:

Proud Franchise