Exclusive Interview

I was contacted by a person who allegedly had an eyewitness account of events in the Mets clubhouse. This source agreed to talk to me about LoDuca’s recent behavior and some other “inside clubhouse” occurrences. This source maintains he has separated all ties with the club and is now in fear for his life. The unnamed source agreed to give his story to Lonestar Mets on the condition of anonymity.

Lonestar Mets : Thank you for taking the time to answer a few questions with me for my website. First off, what kind of teammate has Paul LoDuca been and have the recent events affected how he is in the clubhouse?

Unnamed Source: I was very frightened of Paul LoDuca even before the scandal. He would often drink large amounts of grenadine while wagering on calf roping. LoDuca insisted that Chad Bradford store his own waste in glass containers. It was unclear if LoDuca felt Bradford was unclean or if he feared that Chad’s excrement would damage the clubhouse plumbing. Inversely, LoDuca insisted on urinating only in Chris Woodward’s shaving kit.

Lonestar Mets: That’s very strange. Why would he do that?

Unnamed source: Julio Franco once pressed him for an explanation of his behavior. LoDuca replied, “Do you know what time it is?” When Julio checked his wristwatch, LoDuca dropped his pants and exposing his genitalia and yelled “I bet you can’t get these egg whites in the Dominican Republic.”

LM: That’s very odd…

US: Monday morning LoDuca began chastising Lastings Milledge for not hustling during batting practice, though it was clear that there was still bad blood between the two from an incident while watching the Facts of Life in the clubhouse.

LM: The Facts of Life? You mean the TV show?

US: Yes, it is LoDuca’s favorite. Paul has an unwritten rule that no one can talk during the popular 80’s sitcom. But that day, Lastings Milledge made a grave rookie mistake.

LM: What happened?

US: LoDuca was eating Sprinklins Yogurt and enjoying an episode of the Facts of Life when Milledge remarked that Tootie had a fat ass. LoDuca became enraged and stabbed Milledge in the bicep with his spork then continued watching the episode. Milledge fell back into the glass display case that holds Omar Minaya’s crystal figurines and grabbed the ambiguously racially offensive lawn jockey that Jeff Wilpon lines the clubhouse with hurled the offensive lawn decoration at LoDuca hitting him with it in the hand.

LM: So that’s how LoDuca got banged up? This story sounds a little far fetched…

US: The incident flared up again after batting practice in Philadelphia on Monday. LoDuca was chastising Milledge for again not hustling in batting practice. Willie Randolph, who was busy doing shots of Jagermeister and chasing them with Pabst blue ribbon while watching Lizzie McGuire, paused long enough to tell LoDuca to ease off the youngster. Milledge feeling awkward from the sudden silence remarked that Hillary Duff looks like a horse. LoDuca, who was still within earshot heard the remark and screamed, “How dare you associate Hillary with an equine?”

LM: Why is Paul LoDuca so obsessed with female sitcom actresses?

US: LoDuca then brandished a 9mm Beretta and began firing wildly into the air. A stray bullet struck one of Bradford’s waste jars knocking it off of a shelf and onto Pedro’s leg. Pedro’s leg immediately tightened causing his poor pitching performance.

LM: I find this all very hard to believe…

US: LoDuca then dropped the pistol and grabbed me by the throat. LoDuca raised me in the air by the jugular and stated, “If you tell anyone what you’ve just seen, I will make you pay” he then added, “I feel so alive!”

LM: I think you’re making all of this up…

US: I went to Omar Minaya’s office to report the incident to the GM. I opened the door to his office to find him wearing only a leather ski mask and watching a fetish video starring Manny Ramirez, Tim McCarver, Chris Burke, Ted Danson, Matthew Cerrone and Willie Aames while talking on the phone to Billy Beene. Due to the graphic nature of the video, I vomited onto Minaya’s collection of dungeon whips; which is Minaya’s other fetish- not the whips but the vomiting.

LM: This is ridiculous…

US: I turned and ran for my life. Minaya dispatched his trained assassins Jeff Torborg, Scott Baio, and Raphael Santana to terminate my life just as they had done with Mookie Wilson to ensure that the events did not leave Shea Stadium.

LM: Uh, I think Mookie Wilson is still alive…

US: I reached the number 7 train just as the doors were closing and evaded my would be executioners and have been in hiding ever since.

This eyewitness may not be as credible as I thought. Hope you had a chuckle. Cheer up; it’s only a two game losing streak…

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This post was written by Dan in Texas on August 16, 2006