Sunday night on 60 Minutes, (video and transcript can be found here) Mike Wallace’s interview of Roger Clemens was aired to the nation. For my loyal readers, I have taken the opportunity to highlight the interview’s telling moments. All of the itallicized remarks are actual quotes, interjected with my thoughts in plain text, enjoy:

Wallace: “He gave very specific examples of times he says that he injected you with steroids. During the ‘98 season, you were pitching for the Blue Jays. McNamee was their strength and conditioning coach. From the Mitchell Report, quote: ‘Clemens approached McNamee, and for the first time, brought up the subject of using steroids. Clemens said that he was not able to inject himself and he asked for McNamee’s help. McNamee injected Clemens approximately four times in the buttocks over a several week period, with needles that Clemens provided. Each incident took place in Clemens’ apartment.’”

Clemens: “Never happened, Never happened. And if I have these needles and these steroids and all these drugs, where did I get ‘em? Where is the person out there gave ‘em to me? Please, please come forward.”

What never happened? that he was unable to inject himself? That he provided the needles? that it took place in his apartment. Sounds like plausible deniablity…

Wallace: “Mitchell Report, quote: ‘According to McNamee, from the time McNamee injected Clemens with Winstrol, a steroid, through the end of the ‘98 season, Clemens performance showed remarkable improvement. Clemens told McNamee that the steroids, quote, had a pretty good effect on him. McNamee said Clemens was also training harder and dieting better during this time,’”

Clemens: “Never. I trained hard my entire career. Uh,It just didn’t happen,”

Wallace: Why would Brian McNamee want to betray you?

Clemens: “I don’t know, I’m so upset about it, how I treated this man and took care of him.”

Wallace: “I imagine he’s watching the two of us right now, wouldn’t you?”

Clemens: “I hope he is,

Wallace: “Okay. Anything you want to tell him?”

Clemens: “Yeah. I treated him fairly. I treated him great as anybody else, I helped him out!”

This should read, “I should have hired Greg Anderson, he knows how to keep his mouth shut.”

Wallace: “Again, from the Mitchell Report, quote, ‘According to McNamee, during the middle of the 2000 season, Clemens made it clear he was ready to use steroids again. And during the latter part of the season, McNamee injected Clemens in the buttocks four to six times with testosterone. Also injected Clemens four to six times with human growth hormone,’”

Clemens: “My body never changed, If he’s putting that stuff up in my body, if what he’s saying which is totally false, if he’s doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead. I should be pulling tractors with my teeth.”

This just in, Steriods can grow new ears, great news for the hearing impaired I guess…

Wallace as a Narrator: But he did ask Clemens for a favor just a few days before the Mitchell Report came out.

Clemens: “He e-mails me and asks me where all the good fishing equipment is down at Cabo, that I bought, so he can go fishing. Thank you very much. I said, ‘Have a good time, go fishing,’”"Doesn’t say a word that you, that you know I’m fixing to bury you with all these accusations and what do we do about it. Didn’t say a word about it. That’s what pisses me off.”

I hate it when I loan guys my fishing gear after they testify against me to congress, that’s just obscene…

Wallace as Narrator: That night, he threw a three-hitter and won the game. What worries him today, he told 60 Minutes, is all the Vioxx pills various trainers gave him. Vioxx was a widely used anti-inflammatory and painkiller, before it was taken off the market for causing heart attacks and strokes.

Clemens: “I was eating Vioxx like it was Skittles. And now these people who are supposedly regulating it tell me it’s bad for my heart,” Clemens says. “I don’t know what the future holds because of the medicine that I’ve eatin’, but I trusted that it was not harmful. And I didn’t wanna put anything in my body that was harmful.”

*”And I was taking steroids like they were Skittles, M&M’s, Snickers, Twix , AND Milky Way’s if that can bring things in perspective. If anyone is accused of wrong doing it should be the MARS corporation shouldn’t it?… Wait, can we edit that?*

*(Secret audio Lonestar Mets has obtained, omitted from the 60 Minutes Broadcast)

Wallace as Narrator: Clemens may appear as requested at a congressional hearing in ten days. His challenge is getting people to believe him.

Clemens: “I don’t know if I can defend myself, I think people, a lot of people, have already made their decisions,”

Wallace: “Well, a lot of people have made…,”

Clemens: “And that’s our country, isn’t it? Guilty before innocent. That that’s the way our country works now. And then everybody’s talking about sue, sue, sue. Should I sue? Well, let me exhaust. Let me just spend. How about, let’s keep spending,” Clemens says. “But I’m gonna explore what I can do and then I want to see if it’s gonna be worth it, worth all the headache.”

Right on Rog, eff America. I mean it’s a shame you had to pitch here and make millions of dollars in exchange for being a public figure susceptible to scrutiny. It is a travisty that you werent allowed to pitch in Cuba and make 6 cents a week…

Wallace: How about a lie detector test?

Clemens: “Some say they’re good. Some say they’re not. I’ll do whatever,”

Wallace: “So as far as you’re concerned, you would conceivably?”

Clemens: “Yeah. I don’t know if they’re good or bad,”

Wallace: “Were you to pass a lie detector test, would that help prove that you’re telling the truth and help restore?”

Clemens: “Would it?”

Wallace: “I don’t know,”

Clemens: “I don’t know either,”

Yeah, cause if I was 100 percent innocent, I would stick to edited videos on You Tube and statements through my attorney.

Clemens: “But I understand that as a public person, you’re gonna take some shots. The higher you get up on the flagpole, the more your butt shows? And I understand all that,” “But I’m tired of answering to ‘em. That’s probably why I will not ever play again. I don’t want to answer to it. I want to slide off and be just a citizen.

Wallace: “You’re retiring. Period,”

Clemens: “Probably, “I would say, yeah. If I sit here and tell you right now, I would say yes.Wallace: You’re not going to pitch again?

Clemens: You’ll never see me pitch again

Afterwards Clemens agent officially announced Roger’s retirement citing Rogers lifelong dream to grow a ear out of his forehead and holding exhibitions pulling tractors with his teeth. After that, Clemens’ agent hinted Clemens may have plans to set a world record for eating Skittles.

Narrator: The controversy speculation has kicked in to high gear, and tonight, so does Andy:

Andy: When you look at the state of Major league Baseball today, it’s surprising that we haven’t invented pitching machines to throw strikes every pitch. I hate watching a hitter work the count. The two greatest pitchers of all time were probably either Mitch Williams or Roger Clemens.

Are these scandals in baseball really worth all the fuss? I remember when baseball had some more understandable scandals; like when those two pitchers for the Yankees swapped wives in spring training. I remember thinking, “what’s the big deal, who hasn’t done that at least once a month?” Of course I switched out for a male lover.

You know who was also really named Clemens? Mark Twain. I wonder if he ever did steroids. Do you think Huck Finn would have injected him? Or do you think Tom Sawyer would have testified to George Mitchell? I doubt it. I think he probably would have had that Injun Joe scalp Mitchell and then frame him for killing Aunt Polly. At least that’s what I’d have done. Or maybe I would have pinned it on that (EXPLETIVE DELETED-racial slur “N”-Word) Barry Bonds.

What’s with all the controversy about Huck Finn anyway? I mean sure they call one character (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Jim, but I use that term every day for (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Ed Bradley and no one seems to care. Oh, well.. I guess it’s the fags…or maybe the Jews…

Why am I even still on the air?

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We’ll be back again next week for another addition of 60 minutes.

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When Roger Clemens lies to the country he does it on…CBS!