Fri 25 Jan 2008
[Lonestar Mets reading about the upcoming Giants Superbowl]
Omar: We are close to signing Livan Hernandez.
[Lonestar Mets reads a piece on Eli Manning and Joe Namath]
Omar: Sir!
Lonestar Mets: What?
Omar: I’m close to signing Livan Hernandez; do you think he’s any good?
Lonestar Mets: I don’t watch Diamondback games.
Omar: Well have you heard anything about him?
Lonestar Mets: No.
Omar: You’ve never heard anyone say anything about this pitcher?
Lonestar Mets: I find it’s best to stay out of other teams affairs.
Omar: [Shuffles his scouting reports] What about this free agent right-handed starter?
Lonestar Mets: [Doesn’t look up] He sucks.
Omar: It’s the same pitcher; you’re not even paying attention!
Lonestar Mets: No, I wasn’t.
Omar: I don’t think your Manager Willie would appreciate…
Lonestar Mets: I don’t appreciate your ruse, sir.
Omar: My what?
Lonestar Mets: Your ruse; Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Omar: I only pointed out that you weren’t paying any attention to what I’m doing.
Lonestar Mets: I hope it feels good.
Omar: You hope what feels good?
Lonestar Mets: I hope it feels so good to be right. There is nothing more exhilarating than signing old pitchers with major shortcomings, is there?
Omar: [Threatening tone] This is the last time you’ll hear rumors that I’m going to sign Livan Hernandez!
Lonestar Mets: They will be missed.
Omar: Screw you!
Lonestar Mets: Screw me?
I went ahead and re-punctuated the relevant part of the story and italicized for effect:
According to a “report” Friday in the Rocky Mountain “News“, the Mets are “close” to a “deal” for free-agent “starter” Livan Hernandez, who could provide a “boost” for their “rotation.”
Tired of waiting on the Twins to make a move on Santana? Why not dust off that long time rumored chestnut of the half-brother of our current disabled list resident in order to force the Twins into action. Why not? It’s believable isn’t it? How many times have we seen Livan Hernandez rumored to be on a short list to bolster pitching? And since when is the Rocky Mountain News an authority on breaking Mets news?
Course it is. Ya think if I leave that story under my pillow at night, the Rocky Mountan News Rumor Fairy might come by and leave a quarter? The point is, how do you know the Rocky Mountain News Fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer? “Build model airplanes” says the little fairy, but we’re not buying it. Next thing you know, there’s money missing off the dresser and your daughter’s knocked up, I seen it a hundred times. Hey, if you want me to take a dump on a page and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about acquiring a quality pitcher.
Threats won’t work; the Twins could live without those five prospects (or four prospects and Ryan Church depending on who’s handicapping at the moment) rumored to be in the deal. The Mets are sure as hell not going to throw in Wright or Reyes to sweeten the deal. They can’t afford to take on anybody else; they cost too much. What would expedite the Twins trade of Santana? Maybe only having two teams in a bidding war instead of three. The Red Sox and Yankees have honed the art of not getting played off each other until the sum of the parts leaving Beantown or the Big Apple far exceeds the sum of the returning player.
My gut tells me that this is a ploy, we’ll sure see in the next few days but I doubt this works.
God this year’s Hot Stove season sucks!
January 28th, 2008 at 12:10 am
[...] That’s right, Lonestar Mets can smell a lie like a fart in a car*. In related news, it seems the Twins make make a Santana deal within the next ten days. Don’t rush out and buy your Livan Hernandez jerseys quite yet. [...]
January 29th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
[...] It’s a great time to be a Mets fan and the first time Mets fans can honestly smile and think “The Mets won” since that horrible last Sunday of September. I was pretty sure that whole “close to a deal” story with Livan Hernandez was a smoke screen to push Minnesota towards the table. And forgive me; I’m not sold on the Lastings for Church and Schneider deal quite yet, up until now, this off-season has tediously been boring, that is until now. [...]
March 12th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
i’m confused. where’s the part where you credit kevin smith for totally ripping some of the scene/dialogue from the movie Clerks? you know, this part:
[Randal reads a newspaper while a customer studies two rental choices.]
Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it’s any good.
[Randal continues reading, not even ackowledging her]
Customer: Are either of these any good?
[Randal continues to read.]
Customer: Sir!
Randal: What?
Customer: Are either of these any good?
Randal: I don’t watch movies.
Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either of them?
Randal: No.
Customer: You’ve never heard anybody say anything about either movie?
Randal: I find it’s best to stay out of other people’s affairs.
[The customer turns around, then turns back with the same two movies]
Customer: Well, how about these two movies?
[Randal still never looks up.]
Randal: They suck!
Customer: I just held up the same two movies. You’re not even paying attention.
Randal: No, I wasn’t.
Customer: I don’t think your manager would appreciate…
Randal: I don’t appreciate your ruse, ma’am.
Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Customer: I only pointed out that you weren’t paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal: I hope it feels good.
Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There is nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Customer: Well this is the last time I ever rent here…
Randal: You’ll be missed.
Customer: Screw you!
[The customer storms out. Randal runs out into the street.]
Randal: Hey you’re not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: Yeah!
March 12th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Sorry Sarah, if you arent a regular reader, you wouldn’t know that I often paraphrase movie quotes and I give my readers enough credit to know that it was Kevin Smith’s from Clerks. The audience knowledge of the dialoge is the purpose of using it. It was supposed to be obvious therefor overexplanation is unnecessary, but thanks for pointing it out anyway. Feel free to point out any paraphrasing of a wide variety of movie quotes on a regular basis as you have full commentator status!
Try this one, “Omar, you magnificant bastard, I read your book!”
March 12th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
i apologize wholeheartedly, i was having a terrible day and it brought out the mega-surly in me. i should not have attempted to navigate the internet without a sense of humor! please forgive me.
March 12th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
No prob, I’ve been punchy lately as well. Set your book mark to the home page and come back and comment often!