Hi, I’m surefire Hall of Fame Pitcher Roger Clemens. If you want to win 300 games like I did, chances are you’re going to need a little help. I recommend HGH, but if your old school, you might go the steroids route. Both options are great; I would have been out of the game in the mid 90s without my either one of my little buddies. But make no mistake; you need to cover your tracks. Well you’re old buddy Rocket has you covered. In this video, you’ll learn the secrets that will help you get away with it, lets get started shall we?

Look, I don’t know how the government works; heck I don’t even vote, but chances are some Senator will start an investigation at some point. Don’t sweat it; just make sure you follow Roger’s six simple steps to clearing your name and absolving your legacy of any (makes airquotes) “Steroid Era” tarnish.

First, and I can’t stress this enough, if you or your people get contacted by federal investigators in response to your name surfacing in a performance enhancing drug probe, make sure and do nothing, trust me, there will be plenty of time to do something later.

Next, wait for said federal investigators to publish their findings. Get upset like you’re completely surprised at the mere existence of any report. I recommend editing together a video message to put on the internet. It will be good practice for…

Step three, go on a Television news magazine type program, I recommend 60 Minutes. Make sure a once respected investigative journalist way past his prime tosses you softballs. Be sure to make bizarre illogical statements of proof. For example: “If I’m guilty, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead.” *Laughs and shrugs* Hey, I don’t know what a third ear has to do with performance enhancing drugs either, but trust me, it works! If your not nearly as witty as me, you should also try to answer all questions with questions.

Step four, call a press conference and play a tape recorded phone conversation that proves nothing. When you field questions from reporters, get upset to have to attend a press conference you scheduled. Mention a dead kid, and then storm out of the room.

When you’re done with your press conference have your lawyers and agents prepare a 1,800 page book of statistics to clear your name, it won’t clear your name but don’t worry, they wont even read it, it’s like 1,800 pages for god sake!

Finally, you’re almost out of the woods when it’s time to testify before congress. Feel free to lie, I mean sure, technically you could face contempt of Congress or a perjury charges but come on, it’s not like anyone kept any proof like needles or gauze all this time, I mean who would keep that stuff? It’s literally impossible.

Well there you have it, Rocket’s sure fire tips to clear your name from performance enhancing drug allegations, it may feel like your working your tail off or putting your butt on the line, but follow my sure fire tips and you’ll be sure to get out of anything. And remember what Rocket always says: Its only cheating if you get caught! (Winks)