I swear to God I didn’t write this. From the Office of the District Attorney Tony Rackauckas, Orange County DA:

At approximately 12:20 a.m. on December 30, 2007, [Scott] Spiezio is accused of leaving a bar in Newport Beach after spending the evening drinking several vodka drinks. He is accused of getting into his 2004 BMW and attempting to drive home while under the influence of alcohol. Spiezio is accused of speeding, cutting across several lanes, crossing through the oncoming traffic lanes, driving over a curb, and crashing into a fence. The crash knocked down a fence pole and blew out the front two tires of the car. Spiezio is accused of getting out of the car and fleeing the scene on foot.

The defendant is accused of running to his Irvine condominium complex and going to a friend’s condo, who lived in the same complex. While his friend attempted to clean up the defendant, Spiezio is accused of vomiting in his friend’s room. When the friend made a comment about the vomit, Spiezio is accused of becoming angry and attacking his friend, punching him repeatedly and throwing him against a wall.

According to the website, “Scott Spiezio is charged with misdemeanors for driving under the influence of alcohol, driving with a blood alcohol of .08 percent or more, hit and run with property damage, aggravated assault, battery, and assault. If convicted, he faces a maximum sentence of two years in jail. A $10,000 warrant has been issued for his arrest.”

According to MLB.com approximately two hours after the news circulated, the Cardinals released Spiezio.

OK, I wrote this next part…

A hastily thrown together, impromptu press conference was called at the Cardinals spring training facility in Jupiter, FL.Manager Tony LaRussa, whom sacrificed his driving privileges after a drunk driving arrest of last march addressed both the baseball press and reporters for Gay Men’s Facial Hair Monthly, in town exclusively to cover the utility man. “Today” the skipper, behind dark glasses and smelling of Chivas, addressed the gaggle, quote, “The Sint Louuis Cardals hiv showen the lege tha this behevor is intolerablelele.” After seemingly falling asleep at the podium, the Skipper was nudged awake by Cardinal GM John Mozeliak. LaRussa jolted, then blurted “Quesstins?”

A somewhat timid beat writer for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch meekly raised his hand and asked, “Tony, how does this differ from the team’s approach and mindset as it relates to your own arrest during last year’s spring training?”

LaRussa swayed back and forth and shouted “Lookit, Cause Izz drivin an SUV, supid!” then in a whisper to the reporter “hey man, your goat stole my beer, thas not cool” before the cardinal skipper vomited and passed out.

Two drunk driving arrests and a drunk driving death in the span of a year. Wow, something is really wrong with this organization. Ya know what this team needs? A good leader that can relate to this alcohol fueled clubhouse. This team needs a Kennedy, not Adam; Ted Kennedy.