I was going to dive into Willie playing the race card and Iron Mike retiring until I saw this. I’ll get back to the Mets and mediocrity and imaginary racism and a hero’s retirement later. Pete Alfano has spoken.

With all apologies to Fire Joe Morgan (who does this much better and funnier), I couldn’t, in good conscience let this pass with out its due mockery…

Well here we are on a Monday and who else to judge the state of sporting world with anecdotal evidence and poorly thought out pronouncements. I probably could have let this go except for the fact it’s completely arbitrary, unfunny, lacks any direction and I hate people that refer to themselves as “we.” It also has the trademark communist Alfano and as always extra pompous condescension, enjoy:

A Secretary of Sports might not be a bad idea
By PETE ALFANO
Star-Telegram Staff Writer
We know there are far greater issues facing the country than what goes on in the sports world, but after a week of routine perusing of the sports news, a question arises about whether the time has come for the next president of the U.S. to consider creating an agency or even cabinet-level position for oversight of sports.

No one- no one thinks that. But at least this isn’t the usual Alfano bitter tripe about sports franchises making money and how government regulation will somehow make the game more enjoyable.

We know that people generally prefer less intrusion from the federal government, but given how sports leagues are usually reluctant to police themselves without some encouragement from lawmakers or law enforcement agencies, maybe a Secretary of Sports is not such a bad idea. This is a billion-dollar business after all,

Oh.

I swear, this man can’t wrap his head around the idea that SPORTS FRANCHISES ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE MONEY. It is not a new idea to ANYONE except Pete.

and while fans have been patient almost to a fault, no one knows when the tipping point will be reached, and stadiums and arenas will start looking like some of those houses in your neighborhood in foreclosure.

Notice the typical Alfano style “joke” in which the only “humor” is a passing reference to some relatively current event?

The Monday Morning Quarterback is being a little dramatic, but sometimes, that’s how you make your point.

Hold on. In case you missed it (I don’t blame you if you did) this is you go about making a slightly dramatic point:

“…no one knows when the tipping point will be reached, and stadiums and arenas will start looking like some of those houses in your neighborhood in foreclosure.” Is how you go about expressing that, “A Secretary of Sports might not be a bad idea”

The public pays big bucks to attend games, and in this economic climate, it deserves more than the kind of headlines we are seeing on an almost daily basis.

So, “stadiums and arenas will start looking like some of those houses in your neighborhood in foreclosure.” Which is why, “A Secretary of Sports might not be a bad idea” so that the public will have the kind of headlines it deserves. Brilliant.

Maybe the President will grant the Secretary of Sports the dual office of Sports Page Headline Czar. Also, I love, LOVE the irony of Pete complaining about something in the newspaper.

How can you get enthused about Big Brown’s bid for the Triple Crown, the Dallas Stars’ attempt to make history in the NHL playoffs or even the rise to respectability of the Texas Rangers without noticing the litany of sordid events that offset the feel-good news?

Pete is one of the guys that never reads a paper or watches the news because “it’s too depressing” which is a perfectly acceptable (though ignorant) assertion provided you don’t WORK FOR A NEWSPAPER.

Start with the U.S. Attorney’s office that wants to subpoena as many as 100 baseball players in the BALCO steroid distribution case, not necessarily to bring charges against the players, but to learn where they got the drugs. Drug testing aside, steroid use is illegal in this country without a valid medical reason. And the desire to hit 40 home runs a season doesn’t qualify as one.

Incredulous outrage at steroid use doesn’t qualify as comedy. Unless your Whoopi Goldberg, then it’s pure talent (Note: That’s a burn). Also: thanks for the year old news story.

An aside: Did you hear that home runs are down significantly this season? Do you really think that’s a coincidence?

Some people watch baseball, the others that wait to “hear” about baseball work for the Fort Worth Star Telegram.

So, while we all made fun (the MMQB included) of the Congressional hearings into steroid use, would Major League Baseball and the Players Association have toughened their drug testing program and increased penalties without that “circus” in Washington, D.C.?

Is Pete implying that it was not a kind of a circus?

How to write a Pete Alfano column:
Step 1: Compile a list of things you’ve heard people talking about going back 20 years or so. IMPORTANT: DO NOT DO ANY RESEARCH; FACTS ARE IRRELEVANT
Step 2: Start writing, use as many marginally topical references to mask the fact you aren’t making any sense. (Note: Do not be concerned with a valid or logical argument)

Now, football types are taking digs at Sen. Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania because he won’t let go of Roger Goodell’s pants leg.

Now, columnist types are exemplifying bad writing.

The “law and order” commissioner just wants Spygate to go away, saying that fining the New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick and taking their first pick in the recent NFL draft was a sufficient penalty.

20 bucks says Pete wrote this durring a re-run of Law and Order.

“What more can I do?” is what Goodell basically said. Well, maybe Specter thinks that the Patriots’ spying over several years represents a pattern of behavior and not just a one-time transgression. Maybe it is apparent that the Patriots would still be spying if the Jets hadn’t blown the whistle on their hated rivals at the start of last season.

Maybe it is apparent = doesn’t make sense

Maybe this rationale that everybody cheats or tries to cheat is not the kind of image that the NFL should aspire to.

Maybe Pete should be the first US Secretary of Sports and bring his short sighted judgment, haughty ideas and hatred of capitalism to the forefront of the sporting world in order to give us the sports headlines we deserve and sculpt the NFL’s image.

But all of this is child’s play compared to the betting scandal that NBA commissioner David Stern is dismissing as an isolated event. The Feds announced at the end of last week that referee Tim Donaghy had gambled on more than 100 games over a three-year period, among them 14 that he officiated. He also passed on tips to big-time gamblers and received a cash bonus when they won. A little something for his trouble.

I picture Pete typing this on his typewriter with a sneer on his face and chortling while rolling his eyes at the end of every sentence. I am positive he said that last sentence out loud as he typed it in an bad Italian accent.

Stern has called Donaghy a “rogue” and says that gambling is not pervasive in the league. This just in: A Las Vegas casino is bringing legal action against Charles Barkley for non-payment of a $400,000 gambling debt. Barkley, who is an NBA studio host on the TNT network, says it was an oversight. He also says that he has been gambling for 20 years, which means he would have started when he was 25 and entering his basketball prime.

Well you actually have a point that might legitimately an investigation, maybe even by the federal government. Bring it home with your conclusion that convinces me that there is a need for a “Secretary of Sports.” Can Pete reach a valid and logical point in one of these god-awful pieces of crap? Bring it all home Pete!

We’re starting to think that maybe all that smoke Josh Howard is blowing is clouding Stern’s judgment.

Or undermine it with a hacky, unfunny and nonsensical snipe at the commissioner rather than reinforce of what I assume was the point of your article: Commissioners don’t have the authority to regulate their respective sports thus the need for a “Secretary of Sports.”

He was so close.

Also, I would like to point out, Pete’s already reusing joke from his Josh Howard comedy series. You remember the last time one of Pete’s columns was on this site:

Apparently there’s another banned substance problem in sports.
And it doesn’t have anything to do with Josh Howard’s admission on Michael Irvin’s radio show that he likes to chill during the off-season by smoking weed. A whimsical thought here: Given Irvin’s brush with drugs over the years, do you think he and Howard may have a future as the new Cheech and Chong?

Hyi-oohhhhh. He isn’t even trying to be unoriginally unfunny anymore. That or he has an extremely limited source of current sporting events. Feel free to drop him a line and ask:

Pete Alfano 817-390-7985
palfano@star-telegram.com

Hacky writing at its best, Pete Alfano