Sometimes you go through life not knowing what effect your actions have on the lives of others. It is rewarding to know that you make a difference in the world. Back in March, I found this in my local paper. It was possibly the worst written piece of garbage I’ve ever seen in print. You don’t forget the first time you read a Pete Alfano piece; it’s like witnessing a violent death. It just sticks with you. From the bad grammar to the shoddy premise to the factual errors and lack of research; it makes an unforgettable impression of bad humor in the form of referencing semi-current events. Often it is nothing more than a list of things that happened that month or a bitter rant about sports franchises having the gall to make a profit. I made a promise to myself that every time he wrote something even semi-baseball related, I would give him is due ridicule.

After my first piece, the Fort Worth Star Telegram pulled said piece out of the archives. It is still on my site for the public to see. I never knew if Pete read my site or was just blissfully ignorant of my mockery. I am now absolutely certain that Pete is a reader of Lonestar Mets. (Pete, if you would like to comment, I will gladly grant you full commenter status.)

As I side note, I wonder exactly how he came to find the existence of my site because:

A. Pete does not strike me a vain man who would Google “Pete Alfano” to see if anyone reference him or his column
B. As it’s been pointed out on this site several times, Pete hates to do any research of any kind, including typing ‘2008 Luxury Tax team by team’ into a search engine to insure the Mets were indeed over the threshold before writing that they were over the limit.

Since I am fairly certain Pete did not come to find Lonestar Mets on his own, I can assume one of two scenarios occurred.

Scenario One: Employees found this site and began to read it. Pete noticed that anytime he approached a coworker, they closed their browser and Pete noticed several hushed giggles and whispers and glances in his direction. Some anonymous coworker printed out a copy an put it on his desk.

Scenario Two: The publisher found Lonestar Mets and dressed down Pete’s editor to chastising him for the fact he had not been reading his columnist work. The following conversation occurred:

Pete’s Editor: ALFANO, GET IN HERE!
Pete Alfano: You needed to see me boss?
PE: What the hell is this? This is what you’ve been writing? I just got a call from corporate management.
PA: (In sarcastic tone) Pssh, corporate, bastards always trying to make money, capitalist pigs.
PE: Don’t even start that communist rhetoric again, last year you got our summer intern deported. Look at this, Madonna references, that’s like 20 years old!
PA: Yeah, I remember laughing when writing it, funny huh?
PE: You might as well be making Janet Jackson nipple jokes!
PA: (Coyly smiling) Hey, did you read this weeks column?
PE: Just because you make a reference to some pop culture reference when writing about sports does not make it humor. (scrolling down on the screen) Secretary of Sports? what were you thinking? This is supposed to be professional newspaper! You need to start writing in a professional matter, this is your last chance. No more stupid references to pop culture, questions to the reader you don’t answer and tedious lists of things! Now get out of my office!

This week, Pete takes on the issue of firing head coaches or managers and in doing so tackles the issue of racism, perceived or otherwise, and anti-Semitism. Those are some weighty issues for the man who penned “SPORTS LEAGUES, PLEASE GIVE THESE GUYS A BREAK” and tackled the momentous issue of bottled water in baseball. Anyway, this weeks Monday Morning Quarterback isn’t terrible. It does, uncharacteristically, lack random references to current events, an Alfano staple, or hacky attempts at humor.

I normally would let this pass, despite the point of the piece is that coaches sometimes get fired in an effort to appease an aggravated fan base. I may have inspired Pete to try and improve as a writer. Granted, his article is still trite and stale as per usual, but not near as annoying as a typical Alfano piece. I think Pete is trying to bait me, here but it’s worth it.

But worry not Pete, I made a vow back in March and I will honor it now. All appologies to Fire Joe Morgan, blah, blah blah. Here we go…more after the jump

To make everyone happy, simply fire the coach.
By PETE ALFANO
Star-Telegram Staff Writer
On a Memorial Day weekend brimming with sports news, most Americans are probably not familiar with events surrounding Avram Grant. For those who don’t watch the ESPN News crawl, Grant was the manager of Chelsea FC, the team that lost to Manchester United in the Champions League final on penalty kicks, 6-5.

You are right; no one cares about soccer in America. Soccer is right there with the Tour de France without Lance Armstrong.

You do know we’re talking soccer, right?

Yes and I’m still not interested or impressed that you keep up with soccer news. You strike me as the demographic that can be read about here. Also: stop writing in the third person.

Well, the 52-year-old Grant was fired, or sacked, as the British like to say after the gut-wrenching defeat in the rain in Moscow, which isn’t quite the neutral site that NFL teams like to find for the Super Bowl. But this would be like the losing coach in the Super Bowl, or NBA Finals, or the losing manager of the World Series getting axed a day or two later.

That’s great, I’m still not interested, nor impressed. I am impressed that you have only asked one question so far and a little shocked you haven’t mentioned the Yankees yet.

There is a back-story to the Grant dismissal, and oddly enough, it evokes some slight comparisons to what’s going on with New York Mets manager Willie Randolph. Grant, it seems, was hired only last September when then Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was fired. The Chelsea owner — a billionaire — must have studied the Steinbrenner theory of sports franchise ownership.

Finally a Yankees reference. From going the five minutes of research I was forced to do (yes forced, Pete gets his facts wrong all the time) it would appear that fans were unhappy with the firing of Jose Mourinho going as far to post banners at the game in protest. I’ve not talked to one Mets fan who thought Art Howe was unfairly dismissed, nor thought that Howe should be kept on as the Mets manager. Also race/religion was needlessly brought into the situation, though in Willie’s case, he invoked race. However, yes they have both been head coach or manager of their respective teams. However one has been fired; The other is still employed, I don’t see Willie going anywhere until June. They are both human adult males.

Also, how does it seem Grant was hired last September? Either Pete has shaky confidence in his sources or is he just guessing.

Well, Grant is described as a dour sort who didn’t ingratiate himself to Chelsea fans. And because he is Israeli, news accounts this weekend said that he was subjected to anti-Semitic taunts from even some of his team’s supporters. So, after that heartbreaking loss to Man U, Grant was told his services were no longer required. He was in the first year of a four-year contract.

Pete states causation here and it bothers me a little. According to Pete, Grant was subjected to anti-Semitic taunts SO he was told his services were no longer required. I’m not comfortable with that accusation. There is no proof that Chelsea’s fans taunts had anything to do with the firing. It is likely losing was the cause. If the management of Chelsea were Anti-Semetic, one could reason he wouldn’t have been hired in the first place.

I also suspect the only reason we are on this subject is that he wanted to type Man U.

Randolph, of course, is not an outsider in New York. He was born there, played and coached for the Yankees and played briefly for the Mets. General manager Omar Minaya hired Randolph. The Mets are one of the more diverse teams in baseball, with a good portion of their roster with Latin origins. Minaya is American of Latin descent, and Randolph is African-American.

Citing another difference in a piece that is supposed to be linking two subjects is not a compelling argument to prove whatever it is you are trying to prove which, as per usual, the reader is never sure.

But they are also under-performing, and the hot seat in sports doesn’t tend to discriminate according to racial and ethnic lines.

Great point, on the field performance and win-loss record is far more important than skin color. Now undermine it.

Except that Randolph — in an interview he may soon regret — told a columnist that he believes his treatment in the media was especially harsh, perhaps because of race. He targeted the Mets’ own TV network, and said that former Jets coach Herman Edwards and former Knicks president and coach Isaiah Thomas were examples of black coaches being judged by a different standard.

Well he already apologized publicly so he already regrets the interview but by how Pete states it, he doesn’t believe Willie was sincere.

That’s probably true in Thomas’ case, but not for the reasons Randolph gave. How many coaches or managers would have been allowed to finish a season that was embarrassing on and off the court? Thomas, you may remember, and the Knicks were found guilty in a sexual harassment suit brought against Thomas by a female executive in the Knicks’ marketing department.

In Thomas’s case I have no idea what Pete is saying, Isaiah was judged by a different standard but not race. But Thomas was allowed to finish the season despite off the field performance and legal troubles but because of some reason Pete neglected to tell the audience.
So if you’re scoring at home Chelsea management is anti-Semitic, we’re not sure about the Mets front office and the Knicks front office discriminates in favor of whatever trait Isaiah posseses.

Now, Randolph is scheduled to meet with Mets owner Fred Wilpon, Wilpon’s son, Jeff, and Minaya on Tuesday. No one will be surprised if he exits the meeting without his job.

I knew that Willie was not going to be fired, even though it would have been justified. The Wilpons and Minaya are concerned about a team in fourth that was favored to be an elite team in the National League. I am kind of impressed Pete has even heard of this story.

In fact, Memorial Day signifies the unofficial start of summer and open season on managers in the major leagues. John McLaren, probably one of the least known managers, may be soon headed out the door in Seattle. Ozzie Guillen, the outspoken and hot-tempered manager of the Chicago White Sox, always seems just one outburst away from being fired.

Always seems again, what the hell man, do you have some insight into the White Sox front office. How do you know? Also Guillen is a terrible manager and kind of a dick.

Oh, and remember how the countdown for Rangers manager Ron Washington began before April was over?

Ah, the old Alfano literary crutch, the question referencing a vaguely current event.

We still haven’t seen the last of musical chairs in the NBA, with Mike D’Antoni wearing out his welcome in Phoenix, only to be embraced by the Knicks, and the Mavericks replacing Avery Johnson with Rick Carlisle, who won a lot of games in Detroit and Indiana, but never got to the NBA Finals as Johnson did.

And the other old Aflano literary crutch: the list.

Apparently, it doesn’t matter which continent you call home. It’s easier to fire the manager or head coach to appease the fans and owners. It’s the golden rule of sports.
palfano@star-telegram.com
Pete Alfano, 817-390-7985

Ah, the third crutch: apparently. I know of no writer that has more crutches. I don’t know about golden rule, but whatever. This article started out with some promise and quickly deteriorated into a list of things that are kind of the same. I’m not sure about what point this is supposed to make. It started off with lofty aspirations about exploring race and religion in the sports culture but then just devolved in Pete referencing changes. We did learn that:

Pete thinks Chelsea managements are a bunch of anti-Semites
Pete thinks Willie Randolph wasn’t sincere in his apology
The Mets aren’t racists
The Knicks are biased about something

Again this isn’t the worst thing in the world and I could probably find better use of my time ridiculing this man. At least he’s trying. It’s the effort that counts.

Not really.