Sorry I’ve been spotty on the posting. The Mets own a share of first and I really should be writing about that. More on the Mets later.

Our old friend Pete Alfano sat on his keyboard and produced another turd. This one features more than the usual latent racism.

More importantly Pete, as usual, passes off jamming unrelated sporting events together to make a non-point while grasping at straws to prove the two are related and calls it a column. Enjoy:

Despite pro sports’ efforts, the gang’s all here

… In other news from the NFL

…That’s an odd byline…

This may surprise you, but as training camps open for the start of the 2008 season, it’s not all about Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers, who are making the Christie Brinkley-Peter Cook split look downright amicable.

Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook both played for the Packers. Wait no, they didn’t. But Pete’s heard of Christie Brinkley and so have you! This common awareness becomes the basis for comedy…

If you’ve ever seen a trailer for one of those stupid parody movies like Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie, and Date Movie and ask “what kind of moron watches that crap?” Your answer is Pete Alfano.

And really the only excuse to mention a random celebrity is if they are hot and you are doing so to post a picture of said hottie. Like so:

In case you haven’t heard, the NFL police are scouring game tapes looking for possible gang signs that some players may have flashed to their “homies” when the camera was on them.

I imagine when Pete is talking about a group of black people he refers to them as ‘homies” while making air quotes.

Now, if we were commissioner Roger Goodell, we’d enlist Bill Belichick and his Patriots staff to lead the investigation instead of the league’s security detail. Who better to intercept signs?

HIIIOOOOHHHHH! Man, no one writes a tired obvious joke like Pete, baby!

I know I’ve beat this into the ground but why the constant use of “we?” Especially when stating your opinion. Using “we” seems, I don’t know, gutless, no? Can’t you stand behind your own opinion?

Cheap shot aside, this latest controversy arose after the NBA fined Paul Pierce of the champion Boston Celtics for making “menacing gestures” at the Atlanta Hawks’ bench during the first round of the basketball playoffs. Pierce, the captain of the newly crowned champions, apologized for his actions being “misinterpreted.”

Egad man, call him a gang banger if that’s what you’re inferring.

The NBA is very sensitive to what can be perceived as gang-like behavior, which is the only way you can interpret that dress code implemented by commissioner David Stern at the start of the 2006-07 season. Given that arenas are populated by mostly white fans, and an image problem might scare away corporate sponsors, gangsta-wear became decidedly unfashionable with Stern, who took this preemptive strike.

I guess what Atticus Finch is trying to express here is that “the darkies” scare him.

Of course, a referee who bets on numerous games, including ones that he officiated, is dismissed by the commissioner as a renegade, acting alone and not part of a possible larger scandal.

Ah, the bitterness of Pete Alfano. I’ve missed it. It’s not his bread-and-butter steroid rhetoric but damn close.

The NFL has its own history of keeping players in line, and it doesn’t discriminate by race. Pro football might as well be a branch of the armed forces, given the rules about how a player must wear his uniform, and what kind of ball cap he can wear on the sidelines. And we all know that the NFL became the No Fun League when it curbed the enthusiasm of players celebrating touchdowns, sacks, interceptions or even a 5-yard gain.

Again with the constant use of “we.” He’s like a bad hypnotist. He just plugs “we” as if it will make you think you agree with his nonsense and distract you from the fact that HE HAS NO POINT.

Because a large majority of players in pro football and basketball are black, there is an opinion that the leagues are overreacting to a cultural divide between the races. The Monday Morning Quarterback remembers covering pro basketball in the rebellious 1970s when many white players dressed sloppily in jeans, T-shirts and sweatshirts.

Wait, whoops…don’t like my race-baiting rant? Well..um…see, I’ve had black people at my house!

Now, take a look at major league baseball — where whites are the majority — and no two players appear to wear their uniform the same way. Is it simply that baseball allows more freedom of expression?

You make no sense.

You make no sense.

You make no sense.

You make no sense.

That has nothing to do with anything. Are you suggesting that when Carlos Delgado alternates between his pants to his ankles and pants to his knees it indicates him joining/leaving a gang? You are an idiot. Seriously man, does anyone read this crap before you publish it in the freaking newspaper?

In fairness to the NFL, there are valid reasons to look into the so-called gang-related behavior. Darrent Williams of the Denver Broncos was fatally shot while riding in a limo last year; Sean Taylor of the Washington Redskins was shot to death by an intruder in his Miami home, also last year; and Marvin Harrison of the Indianapolis Colts raised eyebrows during this off-season when his gun was used in a shooting outside his Philadelphia bar.

You’ve already established yourself as a racist; you might as well go the distance and accuse someone of something. Maybe your reader might respect your bravado. At least you’d be a bold racist.

Harrison had gotten into an argument inside the bar, and while he has not been charged with any crime, police are investigating.

But Pete is willing to convict right now…

We don’t have to go into detail about Adam (don’t call me Pacman) Jones of the Cowboys, who has been involved in multiple police investigations, resulting in a yearlong suspension. Jones and the Cowboys are hoping Goodell will soon reinstate him.

What does that have to do with gang affiliation? Was Pacman shooting up a strip club gang related? What the eff are you talking about?

Some of you may even remember when the ominous black and silver colors of the Oakland-Los Angeles-Oakland Raiders were associated with gang fashion. The trouble is gangs — from West Side Story to The Sopranos — are not only part of American culture, but often romanticized.

But not by Pete, he’s above such things…

And there isn’t any sports league that can legislate them out of existence.
Pete Alfano, 817-390-7985

Well you’ve made no case for baseball having a gang affiliation other than baseball pant legs and preference in jersey size. You’ve also failed to address the NHL. Making a broad generalization about “sports” leagues after insinuating gang involvement but not having the stones to actually accuse anyone does not drive any point anywhere. You get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!

The more I think about this, there is no way these can be this awful. I think Pete is sharing state secrets with a foriegn government coded in these ramblings, like every Madonna referrence is a launch code. That is the only possible explanation. Here’s a picture of Megan Fox

Posted under FJM ripoff, Pete Alfano

Thank you Scott for being such a notorious douchebag that your client, the best pitcher in that year’s draft, fell to the Mets.

Thank you Scott for pricing you client so out of most team’s budget that even if we wanted to trade him we couldn’t.

Thank you Scott for negotiating a million dollar salary for your young client that the Mets were inclined to keep him in the majors.

Eight scoreless innings out of Mike Pelfrey. I can’t believe that. What’s even stranger is it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if it happened again. We’ve all heard about Pelfrey’s bowling ball two seam fastball and how much talent the guy had, now we get to see it first hand. Whether it has more to do with experience in the bigs or a non-jerry curled pitching coach we’ll never know. Welcome to the big time Mike Pelfrey.

And thank you Scott Boras. I know I’ll take that back when Ollie turns free agent.

Posted under Post Game

Probably not but wouldn’t it be great if he was? If you read the Daily News story, he probably isn’t dating Diana Russini either. I miss the Office. Anyway, you tell me:

I always thought Karen was hotter than Pam. The new HR chick Holly isn’t bad either. I think Jan is the hottest Office girl. Probably because batshit crazy turns me on.

I’m damaged.

Link stolen from The Big Lead

Posted under Unsubstantiated Rumors

“It’s a good day for Fernando Tatis to have a good day,” [Omar] Minaya said. “Right now, we’re going to go with our guy.”

Oh my God he’s lost his mind. He can’t seriously think that Fernando Tatis can be this team’s everyday corner outfielder on a contending (I hope) team in the year 2008? Was he drunk when he said that? Has he had a mental breakdown?

Granted, Minaya may be coy to try and screen his intrests. If he is, he’s fooling no one.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ungrateful. Fernando Tatis has earned a spot on the Mets roster and a place on the bench as a super sub, but there was a reason he’s been out of the game since 2004 and it wasn’t that he was resting to start every day at an unnatural position.

With the shocking news that Moises Alou will be out for the season and Church a giant question mark the Mets need a real solution. I hate to point this out during this apparent Mets renaissance, but the only starting outfielder the Mets have left has a tendency have leg injuries in July and August. David Wright can’t carry the load by himself and though Delgado’s been hot as of late. To expect those two to carry the offense is as delusional as thinking a 42 year old outfielder with a career full of injuries would play more than 80 games this season. The Mets need to find a real solution at corner outfield.

Adam Dunn, Milton Bradley, Xavier Nady, hell even Nelson Cruz. There’s someone better out there. There’s no one better in house.

Gather Angel Pagan, Damion Easley, Marlon Anderson, Nick Evans and Endy Chavez in a room and ask “show your hands if you are an every day quality starting corner outfielder” and you’d get a crowd full of pockets.

Posted under Angry Rant

Ok, what fun would it be if I didn’t touch on this A-rod story once? It’s all over the media everywhere so I’m sure you’ve read something. This struck me as odd from the New York Daily News:

When the Yanks played at home - and Cynthia wasn’t around - Rodriguez hit the city’s priciest men’s clubs and spent a fortune ogling the girls.

One of his favorites was Monique [ed:stage name?] - a 5-foot-5 filly with brown hair, brown eyes and a well-toned muscular figure - who specialized in lap dances.

Rodriguez was so enamored with Monique he reportedly took her on a pricey shopping spree at the Versace store on Fifth Ave., the source said.

I hate to defend A-rod here, but those are all lies. A-rod is a creepy guy and sure this is all plausible but it sounds like these sources have never spent an hour much less a paycheck in a quality gentleman’s club.

Are there strippers who don’t “specialize” in lap dances? That’s what they do, man. That and coke. It’s not like they had to go to grad school to do it. It’s like saying a cab driver who specializes in driving cabs.

What am I missing, here? Are there strippers in New York who don’t do lap dances? If so, how do they make any money? If that is indeed the case, New York City is the capital of lousy strip clubs. I don’t care how hot she is, she isn’t making any money dancing on stage; dollar stage tippers are cheapskates.

Anyway, the point here is: strippers lie.

Posted under Humorous, Unsubstantiated Rumors

Jose Reyes and Keith Hernandez had to be separated on the Mets’ charter plane Sunday night after a tense confrontation over Hernandez’s critical comments about the All-Star shortstop.

Wha, wha, what?

First off, I’m sure Bart Hubbuch is blowing this way out of proportion. I would guess Jose Bristled at something Keith said. I doubt how the shortstop feels about an announcer is relevant to team play, even if it is Keith.

Regardless, is Jose batshit crazy? I mean like Milton Bradley or Carl Everett crazy. Seriously, something is wrong with Jose. Every player goes through a funk, but this one’s spanned two seasons already. How is it possible to regress like this?

Send David to the Mid Summer Classic

Ok, I’ve said time and again I could care less about the All Star Game this year. The Mets aren’t really earning my support in the balloting. However, I have chosen to suspend my apathy for the “final vote” to send David Wright to the All Star Game. He is narrowly trailing Corey Hart who doesn’t deserve a nomination due to his stupid name. I know many of you are supremely disappointed with the Mets of 2008 and last year’s collapse, but it isn’t really David’s fault. You know you’ll miss him if he isn’t there.

More Good News

With the Mets finally on a roll, despite Wag’s best efforts, if the Mets can take this last game, the Mets might be on a role for the first time in a long time. So of course, another injury had to pop up. According to Adam Rubin, Ryan Church is not on the DL but rather in New York being examined.

The Big Show

Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann are uniting again to host Football Night in America which will probably suck. Honestly, I used to love those two on Sportscenter, I think it even inspired an Aaron Sorkin TV show, but I’ve tried listening to Patrick’s radio show and it’s as boring as Sporting News Radio. Olbermann’s douchiness factor is through the roof and they are going to be on the same show with Bob Costas so there’s like a .0000000001% chance this will be tolerable. I think I’ve had the TV on during “Football Night in America” last season and I remember being confused as to what the hell was going on. I couldn’t figure out if it was a highlight show or some kind of pregame show. Then I changed the channel to the Simpsons. Olbermann and Patrick should have never left the “Big Show” in the first place. If they hadn’t, Stuart Scott might be selling used cars today. In an unrelated note, Kilborn should have never left the Daily Show.

With the Mets on a mini-roll, a win tonight might do something to energize the fan base. The way this season’s been going the Mets will lose 13-1 or something ridiculous. I think every Mets fan has come to terms with the fact that the Mets aren’t the team to beat. Climbing to 2.5 games back might stir the ashes of this so far failed season. Hand Pedro the ball. Give me a reason to be excited again.

Posted under Uncategorized, Unsubstantiated Rumors

That about sums up my feelings on the Mets this season. I almost wish the Phils or Fish would pull away with the East and eliminate any false hopes I subconsciously harbor.

I don’t know why I need the twelve bucks but I’ll take it.

Let’s go Mets, I guess…

Posted under Uncategorized