With the Mets lead reduced to a half game, I thought it would be a fun time to see what our friend Smarmy Pete Alfano is up to. Let’s see if Pete just rambles on with a collection of half thoughts until he fills the column. I’m betting he does, lets see!

Monday Morning Quarterback: U.S. redeems itself on, off court

Don’t worry, as always Pete’s title has nothing to do with this piece.

With the football season fast-approaching, the Monday Morning Quarterback is practicing a hurry-up drill:

Pete’s inner monologue (also in third person plural form): Alright guys, two minute warning, from now on, no huddle. We’re in good field position as this piece will be completely unrelated to the title, should really throw off the reader. First a non-point based and backed up by nothing, make sure we get out of bounds and stop the paragraph before any coherent point. Then we’re going to thinly mask our communist ideology with a Soviet lament but screen it with an obvious statement. Then we slam an NFL legend all the while using sentence structure that reads like it was written in another language and translated by Babelfish. Then we feebly try and bash the Rangers but since we don’t ever watch baseball, we’ll just wet ourselves before ending with something about NASCAR. On two, ready? Break!

Redeem team wins gold
Redemption, in this case, may have more to do with the image of NBA players than their performance on a basketball court.

Now that the Olympics are over, Ron Artest is clearly a better human being contributing to society in a positive way. Later, I’m going to let Latrell Sprewell housesit for me, while I’m at a marriage retreat weekend hosted by Jason Kidd and Kobe Bryant.

The U.S. team was considered arrogant, aloof and boorish in Athens during the 2004 Olympics, and their play reflected it.

Pete Alfano is considered arrogant, aloof and boorish and his writing reflects it.

But LeBron James, Kobe Bryant and company were not only great teammates to one another in Beijing, but they shared Team U.S.A.’s camaraderie as well.

I don’t know what that means. They shared team USA’s camaraderie? How were they great teammates? Since the title of this is: “U.S. redeems itself on, off court” does Pete have some insight into their relationship in the clubhouse? This might be interesting…

As for having a difficult time with Spain in the final, well, with more international players coming to the NBA, winning the gold in the future will not be getting any easier.

Oh, a non-point, I should have known.

U.S. wins most medals; China has more gold
Those who come from the Vince Lombardi school will no doubt say that winning is the only thing and silver and bronze are just like parting gifts for game show contestants.

Because in the Olympics, you are either going to win the gold, silver or bronze medals, there is no other alternative, like say not medaling. Football is kinda like that; I remember when the Cowboys won the Bronze medal after the Icebowl.

But keep this in mind: If the old Soviet Union were reunited (as Russia apparently tried to initiate with its invasion of Georgia), it would have won more total medals than either the Americans or Chinese.

Uh…..hhmmmm….Kay, Pete delving into global geopolitics is like handing a chimpanzee a revolver. Why would we need to keep that in mind? Since I’ve established many times on this site that Pete is a Communist subversive, lets see where this goes.

Like in everything else, the world is catching up and the U.S. might have to revise its expectations going into future Olympics. We’re not always going to have a Michael Phelps around to win eight gold medals alone.

I assume the point of that whole thing was Pete reminiscing about his precious Soviet-communist utopia. I really hope so, because it would be very scary if a major newspaper devoted a paragraph to tell us, “We’re not always going to have a Michael Phelps around to win eight gold medals alone.”

Shawne Merriman has “career-threatening” knee injury
The amazing thing about this revelation is that Merriman — an all-pro linebacker for the San Diego Chargers — hasn’t had surgery yet for two separate ligament injuries that he says could end his career. That was the evaluation of two medical specialists who are not employed the Chargers, whose coach Norv Turner still holds out hope that team physicians can stabilize the knee so that Merriman can play this season.

Poorly constructed sentences are an Alfano Staple. I know, but stay with me here, this next one’s a doozy.

This may be the greatest failing of Gene Upshaw, a Hall of Fame offensive lineman and executive director of the NFLPA, who died this week of pancreatic cancer.

Gene Upshaw’s greatest failing = The revelation is that Merriman hasn’t had surgery yet for two separate ligament injuries that he says could end his career

Don’t think about that too long or you’ll go mad.

Upshaw helped players earn 60 percent of revenues and watched the salary cap climb to $116 million, but pro football is a brutal sport and next to auto racing, the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

…the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

…the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

…the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

Players do not have guaranteed contracts because of the high injury rate, negotiating instead for lucrative up-front bonus money. Retired players complain they have been forgotten by Upshaw and the union, and current players face tremendous pressure to play when hurt. And sometimes, that calls into question the ethics of team doctors. The NFL would do well to establish its own medical team of physicians and surgeons and have them evaluate all player injuries.

I don’t know about an NFL team of physicians but I do know that …the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

Texas Rangers dropping like a rock
Wild-card aspirations seem so misguided now because they were based on the Rangers mashing their way to the postseason.

Yeah, well shit happens.

They are the Texas Tech of Major League Baseball, but even Tech is supposed to have a good defense this season.

Kiss my ass, douchebag. Look, I am a Texas Tech Alumni so maybe I’m a little over sensitive here, but this is just stupid. Texas Tech has been bowl eligible every season since the inception of the Big 12. That’s twelve years in a row. For those of you unfamiliar with the workings of college football, that means a winning record every year with twelve consecutive winning seasons. The Red Raiders rank fifth nationally in consecutive winning seasons, trailing only Florida State (30), Michigan (22), Florida (19), and Virginia Tech (14). In that time, the Rangers have had only two consecutive winning seasons. But if I have to participate in this stupid comparison up, I’d label them as more of the Texas Aggies of Major League Baseball, i.e. powerhouse in the 90’s, poor shape today.

And, yes, I realize he was making a “joke” about the Red Raiders high octane offense and the Rangers offensive production but since I doubt Pete’s ever watched a Tech game, he can go eff himself. Lots of teams run the spread offense; it isn’t a novelty anymore. Anyone would compare a college football program to a Major League Baseball team deserves public mockery.

Look at the rise of the Tampa Bay Rays; it has been built on pitching, sound defense and timely hitting.

As opposed to the rise of the Chicago Cubs which was built on pitching underhand, grounding into double plays and fielding without a glove. Last year’s Red Sox team was built on fresh breath, clean uniforms and timely three-point jumpers. Remember when the Marlins won the series based on keeping their dugout neat and using proper tackling techniques? I once heard a theory that the team that scores the most runs wins but I heard it was unprovable. Go figure.

And it’s not that the Rangers don’t recognize good pitching prospects — Edinson Volquez (15-5), John Danks (10-6) and Armando Galarraga (12-4) — have combined for 37 victories in 2008. And only Danks (Chicago White Sox) is pitching for a team with a shot at the playoffs.

What does that have to do with…wait, no…still doesn’t make any sense. Is it Galarraga and Volquez’ fault their teams aren’t in contention? But you already said they were good pitching prospects. Is Pete actually going to discuss why a pitcher’s win-loss record is misleading, lets see…

At times it seems like Nolan Ryan is the only Ranger who hasn’t started a game this season. Insert your own punch line.

Oh, another “joke.” That “joke” was the literary equivelent of a fart, so thanks for that.

Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch do the “Bristol bump”
Rivalries and controversy are great for auto racing, although we would stop short of the cheating done by the Joe Gibbs racing team. But while there is nothing wrong with drivers confronting one another after a race, jawing, shoving, even punching or yanking on one another’s helmet, we’d rather not see them play bumper cars after crossing the finish line. That was what Edwards and Busch did in Bristol, Tenn., Saturday night when Edwards bumped Busch and went on to win the race, moving a closer second to Busch in the points race with only two more races before the Chase begins. Busch bumped Edwards to let him know how he felt, and Edwards returned the favor. Hey, guys, learn from Indy-car driver Danica Patrick, who gets in the other driver’s face.

And so in summation, Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch bumping each other after crossing the finish line is the quintessential moment that the U.S. redeems itself on, off court. Thank you!

I’ve prepared my response in open letter form:

Mr. Alfano, what you’ve just written is the most insanely idiotic thing I’ve ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent article did you approach anything that could be considered a rational thought. Every reader is now dumber for having read it. I award you nothing, and my God have mercy on your soul.

Posted under FJM ripoff, Pete Alfano