Happy Labor Day everybody!

As Labor Day is on a Monday, who better to pen an unfortunate piece, reporting old news regarding the LPGA and that special brand of Pete Alfano “humor” we’ve all come to love on this site. Also, watch Pete invalidate his article about a third of the way though. Enjoy.

I realize this has nothing to do with baseball, but hey, Pete just “teed it up” for me.

Get it?

Hello?

Anyone?

In plain English, LPGA triple-bogeyed this one

Annyong ha shimnikka.

In case you’re wondering, that’s not a typo or a sign that the Monday Morning Quarterback was out late partying Sunday night.

I’ve always assumed every MMQB piece is written in a state of extreme intoxication or after severe cranial trauma.

It’s actually hello in Korean, at least the translation using the Roman alphabet instead of Korean characters. We’re mentioning it because of the fuss caused last week by the LPGA Tour, which issued a “speak it or leave it” order to the non- English-speaking players on the Tour.

Oh, goodie

By the way, if you have been around athletes as much as the MMQB, this directive can be issued to many athletes who grew up in this country as well.

Ah, the trademark condescending elitist racism Pete Alfano is known for on this site.

Now, we’re not going to get into the politics involved here;

By “politics” he means “bitter communist rant”

it is understandable that with so many young Korean women excelling in golf, the ability to promote and market the sport is restricted when the players don’t speak English.

Yep, women golfers who don’t speak English is exactly what’s standing in the way of the LPGA becoming America’s national pastime.

This is not like Yao Ming playing for the Houston Rockets or Ichiro playing for the Seattle Mariners because they have teammates, many of whom speak a version of English. And the word is that Ichiro speaks English a lot better than he lets on.

It’s not like the LPGA because people actually care about the NBA and Major League Baseball.

These women are independent contractors and as such, represent themselves. Not being able to speak English certainly has an impact on the women’s tour, which is struggling for any attention it can get.

Women golfers could be fluent in English, Spanish, Sign Language and Sanskrit; no one is going to care about the LPGA.

The problem is that this very public way of making the women comply — pass an oral exam or face suspension — won’t earn anyone in the LPGA hierarchy an ambassadorship in the next president’s administration.

McCain and Obama were both heatedly vying for the LPGA hierarchy to head their respective diplomatic core. Now they’ll probably have to settle for someone with actual foreign relations experience.

Who knows? Maybe the LPGA did ask nicely and was rebuffed. But it is looking very insensitive, and unless you subscribe to the theory that any publicity is good publicity, we bet the LPGA can hardly wait for the NFL season and Ryder Cup matches to begin.

Because those events are actually worth watching.

The MMQB, however, is going to provide a public service for Korean and other international players in anticipation of these young women learning English. There are some phrases and clichés we hope never to hear from them:

Keep in mind, this written by a man who is a walking cliché of a hacky, under informed sports writer.

I am happy to set a new course record. Have you ever heard of anyone setting an old record? Sportscasters and athletes alike drive us crazy with this particular phrase. The MMQB could supplement his fast-fading 401K if he had a dollar for every time an Olympic host or reporter in Beijing talked about “new records.”

Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the black box?

Does anyone else imagine Pete, while writing a ostensible piece to educate young female Korean golfers on how to speak English properly, constructed the sentence “I am happy to set a new course record” in a stereotypically offensive Asian accent? Kind of insensitive, no? What’s up next; “Herro, yu have dishonored my famiry by insurting my camera.”

I am in control of my own destiny. Actually, you’re not. According to Webster’s Dictionary, destiny is “a predetermined course of events,” which means you’re not in control. We could buy the Chicago Cubs if we had a dollar for all the times athletes and sportscasters use this one.

Can the next one be that by referring to yourself in the plural third person makes you sound like a self-important pompous windbag?* No? Just obvious tired jokes taking figurative sayings literally? Ok, whatcha got?

He (or she) is the best player never to have won a major. When did this become an official statistic in golf? I don’t see it anywhere in the PGA Tour or LPGA Tour record book. We can envision players in passionate debates over who really should be No. 1 for this dubious distinction. They can even get the BCS involved.

Ovaltine: The jar is round, the glass is round. Why don’t they call it “Round-tine?”

That’s a very makeable putt. Who says? A commentator with a 15 handicap? A golfer who is in the booth because he or she could never make enough of those makeable putts? If it’s on the lip, it’s a makeable putt. The rest is a crapshoot.

Who are you to criticize professional golf commentators when you, Pete Alfano, have never professionally commentated on golf?

Congratulations, you just undermined your whole column.

That was a beautiful golf shot. Duh. We’re not playing badminton. This particular cliché is used in every sport and has a number of derivatives such as, “We’re a good football team.” How the Cowboys would fare on a basketball court is another matter.

I find it ironic that Pete has a problem with redundant or unnecessary wordings.

Also: “Duh” = Top notch journalism.

There’s a logjam atop the leader board. Can’t we just say how many players are tied for the lead or are a couple of shots behind? This cliché is appropriate only on one of those log-rolling competitions seen on ESPN Gazillion.

I don’t know about log-rolling competitions. lets see what Wikipedia has to say:

Logrolling, or birling, is a sport that originated in the lumberjack tradition of the northeastern United States and Canada, involving logs in a river (traditionally) or other body of water. After bringing their logs downriver, the lumberjacks would have a competition to see who could balance on a log the longest while it is still rolling in the river.

The contest involves two lumberjacks, each on one end of a log floating in the river. One or the other starts “walking” (or “rolling”) the log, and the other is forced to keep up. The contest involves attempting to stay on the log while attempting to cause the competitor to lose their balance and splash into the water.

So from what I gather, lumberjacks compete simultaneously, meaning this “cliché” is not appropriate in “those log-rolling competitions seen on ESPN Gazillion.”

He, or she, has to get up and down in two. Up and down from where? The golf cart? Even in English, this doesn’t make sense.

(Sighs)

…..

…..

This is terrible. The only thing more puzzling than the existence of this pointless article is why someone would spend their Labor Day analyzing it.

That ball’s wet. Oh, you mean it was hit into the water. Sometimes, it’s “that ball found water.” Not really; the golfer hit the ball and it landed in the water. A golf ball really can’t find anything.

Crap, well I guess I wasted my time organizing my coalition for golf ball rights. I like how the “cliché” he refers to is not the subject of his criticism.

It’s pin high. Can you be pin low? Pin off to the side? Is this some veiled reference to performance-enhancing drugs?

And there’s your steroid “joke” for the week.

Come to think of it, maybe everyone in sports needs to enroll in these English-speaking classes; we writers as well.

Just one writer, just one.

Sources: www.dictionary.reference.com; www.sportscliche.com
PETE ALFANO, 817-390-7985

There you have it. At least he made some attempt at research and citing his sources. One of those sources is the dictionary but I’ll take what I can get.

*This statement does not apply to Rickey Henderson: the only man who has mastered the art of speaking in third person plurals.

Posted under FJM ripoff, Pete Alfano