It occurred to me that I’ve been doing so much on Pete Alfano stuff lately that this site should be renamed Fire Pete Alfano. I realize that my readers don’t care what a hacky journalist in Fort Worth writes about. I should just go back to obsessing over the Mets. Pete seems like an ok guy and I probably should just let him get away with his threadbare, obvious observations posing as analysis and fourth grade literacy.

On to the Mets, who, after a three game series at home against Philadelphia, hold a two game lead in the-

Wait, he wrote what?

New Orleans?

Why would he…?

What does that have to do with…?

Ok, my backspace key isn’t working so forget what I wrote earlier, here we go:

Pete’s written some excessively insane things (claiming fielders are wearing batting helmets for protection against things thrown from the stands) since I’ve started reading his nonsense, but this is just off the charts psychotic. I’m not sure I even know how to demonstrate how insane this is.

Forecast for NFL in New Orleans partly cloudy

His name is Ike and this destructive force of nature might play a role in the future of the Saints in New Orleans.

Oops! Pronoun disagreement! Want me to help? His name is Ike and his destructive force…(I could have let that go but in the opening sentence? Nope)

His name is Pete and the enormity of his legendary drivel might play a role in the demise of western civilization.

Sound inconceivable?

What, the thing you said? Yes. What I said; the second thing? No. Because what I said; that thing, that’s dead on.

Not when the Monday Morning Quarterback was thinking about how reports were rampant that team owner Tom Benson was looking to move the franchise after Hurricane Katrina struck the Big Easy in 2005.

That is a junky, awkward sentence. Referring to himself in the third person plural form and his insistence on writing in a passive voice when an active one is begging to be employed is baffling and severely hinders him as a writer.

Because of the damage to the Louisiana Superdome, the Saints spent the season playing “home” games in San Antonio and Baton Rouge.

Pete’s right, they really should have played in the Superdome. “Run a five yard slant, I’ll pumpfake when you get to the pile of feces, then break for the piece of the caved in roof and I’ll hit you near that puddle of vomit, on two ready…”

But their return to the Superdome in 2006 was heralded as a morale booster for the city, and a sign that it was on the road to recovery. And according to a report by the Brookings Institution, there has been significant progress made even though that trend has slowed in 2008.

The antecedent here appears to be “morale booster” to which, significant progress has been made, through slowed in 2008 according to an unnamed report by the Brookings Institution. How exactly is that quantifiable? What are you talking about? Referents are an overrated luxury at the Fort Worth Star Telegram.

The report issued on the third anniversary of Katrina, says that New Orleans has regained 72 percent of pre-hurricane households and the region as a whole has regained 86 percent of its jobs. But there is a lack of affordable housing, rents have skyrocketed and thousands of badly damaged houses remain vacant and blights on the city landscape.

If any other writer were penning this piece, the reader could reasonable assume he is talking about “a report by the Brookings Institution” but since this is Pete Alfano, he could be discussing anything from anywhere.

You have to wonder whether the recovery will be slowed even more by Hurricane Gustav, which delivered a glancing blow to New Orleans last Monday, and the menacing presence of Hurricane Ike, ravaging Haiti and Cuba, with its track potentially taking it into the Gulf, where it could regain strength and perhaps make landfall along the Louisiana coast late this week.

That’s why it seemed like the Saints were squeezing a football game between evacuations Sunday when they returned home to defeat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24-20 at the Superdome. The game wasn’t shifted to Tampa as the NFL was prepared to do if Gustav had landed a direct blow to New Orleans. And it was played even though thousands of evacuees had not yet returned home. In fact, attendance was announced at 69,881 — an impressive show of support.

He’s right; it does sound like the “Forecast for NFL in New Orleans partly cloudy” after a near sellout in the middle of a hurricane.

But if residents are asked to leave again because of Ike, you just have to wonder what the long-term impact will be on New Orleans.

I’m sorry, but people that stubbornly live in hurricane areas, below sea level, counterintuitive to common sense, are not going to pack up because the Saints have to play an extra game on the road. If a giant flood destroys your city and you decide to stick around, 7 home games instead of 8 won’t be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

You know what? The name of this piece should be changed from “Monday Morning Quarterback” to “Counterintuitive to Common Sense”

In addition to San Antonio, there were reports in 2005 that Benson was thinking of moving the Saints to Los Angeles, the second-biggest market in the country — and one that’s without a pro football team.

There would have been multiple ways to write that sentence correctly. He chose the wrong one. Also, I seriously doubt there were “reports”. If so, reports from whom, Benson? Did he make a list with pros and cons and send it Kinko’s to get it laminated and bound and distributed to the AP? No, no he didn’t.

In 2005 Benson may have also considered moving the Saints to Los Angeles; the second biggest market in the country and former home of the Rams and Raiders.

Benson may have had other destinations besides San Antonio. In 2005 the Saints owner supposedly considered moving the team to Los Angeles, another city without an NFL team.

Los Angeles has been a prospective destination for Benson’s Saints in the past. According to rumors, Los Angeles, the second biggest market in the country, may have been in the running for the Saints new home in 2005.

Instead, Pete sadly wrote: “In addition to San Antonio, there were reports in 2005 that Benson was thinking of moving the Saints to Los Angeles, the second-biggest market in the country — and one that’s without a pro football team.“

We also know there was an earthquake in LA about six weeks ago, a reminder that if sports franchises were awarded on criteria that included immunity from natural disasters, we wouldn’t have many teams to follow.

Unnecessary. Stupid. Point.

And a reminder that if the Fort Worth Star Telegram published columns on the criteria that included they make some kind of sense, we wouldn’t have many pieces to read.

Earthquakes can affect teams in California; tornadoes are a fact of life in Texas and the Midwest; and the Florida Gulf Coast and the Eastern Seaboard are vulnerable to hurricanes. But raise your hand if you think the Dolphins would leave Miami or the Panthers check out of Charlotte if Ike or some other hurricane struck there.

Is Pete suggesting some kind of bias attached to the citizens of New Orleans? I am confused as to the implication there. Is Pete suggesting Saints fans are less loyal to their team? Is this an attack on the community of New Orleans or Miami or Charlotte?

But even though New Orleans has been in the NFL since 1967, it feels like we’re always looking in the rearview mirror for the Mayflower moving vans.

I can explain this: they stink. Do you know how I know the Saints won’t win the Superbowl this year? Because they’re the Saints.

Who is always looking in the rearview mirror for Mayflower moving vans? What does that even mean? Why the rearview mirror? Are the Mayflower trucks chasing you? I think the Florida Marlins are a better candidate to move from Miami than the Saints are a candidate to move from New Orleans.

At least Pete isn’t speculating on how relocation from the storm-ravaged city by the Saint would be a Public Relations Nightmare; especially one motivated by money, because that isn’t happening.

Sure, it would be a public relations nightmare for the NFL office to endorse a move as the city continues its recovery, but pro football is a business and the bottom line is making money. Can Benson make money in a storm-ravaged city?

Shame on you NFL and Benson for Pete imagining you might be considering something you’re not considering. How dare you?

You know he’s just dying to go on a socialist rant about evil sports franchises making a profit but he’s already on the FBI watch list as a communist agitator and on the FAA’s no-fly list.

Also: sure it would be a PR nightmare should the NFL endorse a move from New Orleans IF anyone was considering moving. But since they aren’t, it’s not. End of story.

For one afternoon, however, the resilient fans basked in a different kind of breeze, as Drew Brees passed for three touchdowns, among them the game-winning 42-yarder to Reggie Bush midway through the fourth quarter.

Let me try, see what you think:

In the spirit of Mardi Gras, no stranger to female nudity, Saints fans gawked at a different kind of bush flash, as Reggie Bush scored the game winning TD on a 42 yard pass from Drew Brees.

I like mine better. Vagina.

According to the Associated Press, fans tailgated before the game even though debris and toppled fences lay nearby.

The AP could not confirm if the debris and toppled fences were due to weather damage or just the usual random garbage that populates New Orleans. Hiiiyyyooo!

“Coming off a week where everyone was displaced from their homes here in New Orleans, and coming back and obviously having the fans back in full force — it was awesome,” Brees said after the game.

And now they hold their breath and hope that they and their team don’t have to leave again.
PETE ALFANO, 817-390-7985

What an ending. Try and wrap your head around this. No one, I mean no one, is speculating that the Saints are permanently leaving New Orleans. But only after he, Pete Alfano proposed something that isn’t happening, he, Pete Alfano, then chose to scold the Saints and the NFL for his, Pete Alfano’s own speculation, then makes a passionate summation closing with the statement that New Orleans holds out against hope that his, Pete Alfano’s made up scenario doesn’t come true.

Think about that for a minute.

I’ve seen Pete misstate facts and blatantly make up facts to support a point, but I don’t think I’ve ever read anyone propose something out of no where and then criticize others for something he made up.

Way to fail to achieve an air of condescension based on the arrogance gleaned from holding yourself above others for something you imagined. You may be a genius.

Probably not.

Posted under FJM ripoff, Pete Alfano