Wow, Roberto Alomar, uh…

Poor A-Rod. He can’t even win the most shocking baseball story of the week. I swear to God I didn’t make this up.

Ho-Lee-Shit. In a story that reads like I wrote it, the New York Daily News reports that the former Mets second basemen and waste of money, Roberto Alomar, uh…has AIDS. Even more insane; that isn’t the most shocking part of the story. Alomar was raped by, uh, just read for yourself: From the NY Daily News:

Baseball great Roberto Alomar has full-blown AIDS but insisted on having unprotected sex, his ex-girlfriend
charged Tuesday in a bombshell lawsuit.

The shocking claim was leveled by Ilya Dall, 31, who said she lived with the ex-Met for three years and watched in horror as his health worsened.

In papers filed in state and federal court, Dall said Alomar finally got tested in January 2006 while suffering from a cough, fatigue and shingles.

“The test results of him being HIV-positive was given to him and the plaintiff on or about Feb.6, 2006,” the $15 million negligence suit says.

Nine days later, the couple went to see a disease specialist who discovered a mass in the retired second baseman’s chest, the court papers say.

Alomar’s skin had turned purple, he was foaming at the mouth and a spinal tap “showed he had full-blown AIDS,” the suit says.

Ok, hold on. Who has sex with anyone, protected or not with someone whose skin has turned purple and is foaming at the mouth? Well, besides this chick and my ex-girlfriend I mean.

Don’t stop reading yet cause it gets even weirder:

In April 2005, Alomar told Dall he was suffering from erectile dysfunction and confided “he was raped by two Mexican men after playing a ballgame in New Mexico or a Southwestern state when he was 17,” the suit says.

Wow, just wow. I think they buried the lede there. Was it directly after the game? Was it on the field? Was the raped connected to the outcome of the game, like loser gets raped?* That is some high stakes baseball. And how could he not remember the state? I played a lot of baseball growing up and when I was 17 I remember every city and state I got raped in after a tough loss. Uh, what? Nevermind. Who said that?

Moving on,

“I don’t have HIV,” he told her repeatedly, the suit charges.

A few months later, the couple moved to Cleveland, where Alomar supposedly tested positive. Dall claims that after she learned Alomar had AIDS, she tested negative and no longer had unprotected sex with him.

They broke up last October.


Well that’s good; he saved money on a cake at least

She is demanding at least $15 million in punitive damages, claiming Alomar caused her emotional distress and exposed her children to the virus.

This chick has sex with a guy foaming at the mouth and purple, somehow doesn’t get infected, stays with him for almost two years after finding out about his disease and wants 15 mil. Talk about pushing your luck.
I just came up with a way to avoid another September collapse. Remember Jerry Manuel’s threats to Jose Reyes during a game? I thought I would update it:

2008 Motivation:

“I told him next time he does that I’m going to get my blade out and cut him. I’m a gangster. You go gangster on me, I’m going to have to get you. You do that again, I’m going to cut you right on the field,”

2009 New and Improved Motivation

“I told him next time he does that I’m going to get my c$#k out and f*ck him. I’m a rapist. You go soft on me, I’m going to have to get you. You do that again, I’m going to f*ck you right on the field,”

This has got to be the most disturbing thing ever posted on this site, which is saying quite a bit.

Posted under FJM ripoff, Pete Alfano, Uncategorized

ARod Tests Positive, Confesses, Apologizes

Yankees shortstop and former Texas Ranger and Seattle Mariner Alex Rodriguez admitted taking performance enhancing drugs while with the Texas Rangers in an interview with ESPN’s Peter Gammons on Monday.

Rodriguez, who’s name was leaked in connection to a positive test result for PEDs in 2003 apologized in the hopes of appearing sincere and remorseful; quite a high goal to set for someone who’s never been sincere or remorseful in his entire life.

Rodriguez told Gammons, ““When I arrived at Texas in 2001 I felt an enormous amount of pressure to perform,” then added: “Back then it was a different culture. It was loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naïve. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance, and for that I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”

Rodriguez latest comments are a stark contrast from an article published in ESPN magazine in April of 2004 shortly after his trade to the Yankees in which Rodriguez wrote:

“I hit rock bottom in the middle of the [2003] season. I remember driving home with my wife, Cynthia, after a game and telling her, ‘I just don’t see the light. Where is the light? What am I in this for?’ I would have never gone to Texas if they had told me, ‘Alex, it’s going to be you and 24 kids.’ Never.”

“I am guilty of being negligent, naïve, not asking all the right questions,” and after a brief awkward pause, he added “I am also guilty of banging manly chicks.”

The perennial all-star continued “It wasn’t a real dramatic day. I started experimenting with things that today are not legal, that today are not accepted.” He continued, “Ya know Peter, girls with mustaches are like mopeds, they’re fun to ride until your friends see you on one.”

Rodriguez added: “I am sorry for my Texas years. I apologize to the fans of Texas.” Rodriguez’s bizarre apology comes 3 months after the Longhorns shocking defeat against the Texas Tech Red Raiders in Lubbock.

The three time MVP will likely take the place of homerun king Barry Bonds as the face of the steroid problem in baseball.

Though Rodriguez clearly admitted to taking some form of performance enhancing drug, not all were ready to accept or believe his transgressions. When reached for comment, former cheater Roger Clemens went on the record adamantly proclaiming Rodriguez’s absolute innocence, “His body never changed. If he was putting that stuff up in his body, if what he’s saying which is totally false, if he’s doing that, he should have a third ear coming out of his forehead. He should be pulling tractors with his teeth.”

Not all of Rodriguez associates were supportive on the third baseman. When reached for comment Madonna was quoted as saying “Here’s the sound of Alex’s syringe when he injects himself,” followed by a loud screeching noise. “I can’t believe that he would mislead the public like that. People should just be who they are.” The Detroit native and crazy woman then became distracted leaving on foot to pursue a passing pedestrian shouting, “Oy govna, shine ya shoes for half a shilling, I will, I will.”
I hate Madonna

Posted under Humorous