The End is Near

Since we are all going to die soon, I thought I would share my survival plans with the few people left on the planet still alive to read this. Luckily, I watch CNN nonstop for some years now and I am quite prepared for the hog-apocalypse. As of now, in my moms basement pandemic bunker I have stockpiled:

-3 years worth of canned food, a generator and gas for 2 years left over from Y2K

-12 dozen boxes of surgical masks I picked up in order to survive the SARS outbreak.

-155 doses of Cipro I bought online after the 2001 anthrax attacks (at least I think it’s Cipro)

-200 gallons of DEET I bought to prevent dying of the West Nile Virus.

-And finally, my Bird Flu prevention kit consisting of a FFP3 standard respirator, bird flu gloves, shoe-covers, goggles and 300 disposable aprons.

In addition to my media induced panic preparedness, I have contacted Rob Lowe, Gary Sinese, Molly Ringwald, Parker Lewis, Dauber from Coach and the creepy My favorite Martian guy. We are setting off across the country to find Ruby Dee and fight Jamey Sheridan (sorry, I didn’t have a character reference for those two). I am thinking about inviting that chick from Just Shoot Me but I’m not really sure (she seems like the kinda slut who would hook up with the Devil; just sayin.)

Anyway, the way I figure it, the Pig Zombies will be planning to use a nuclear warhead to destroy those of us that are uninfected but at the last minute a cartoon hand of God (hand of God, what the eff, right?) will detonate the warhead and save the world.

M O O N, that spells: media driven, fear inducing, sensationalist ratings boost

I really hope someone (I mean out of who’s left alive after the Swine Flu apocalypse) actually gets those references from a cheaply produced TV movie from the early 90s.

Posted under Humorous, Non-Baseball

Monkey-Fighting Snakes on a Monday-to-Friday Plane.

It’s kinda like the original, except less so and much more lame.

Sorry for the lack of recent posts, but can you really blame me. Aside from Johan Santana, this season basically picked up where last season left off. They’re hitting, just not with guys in scoring position. That juggernaut of 2006 seems like a dream it happened so long ago. I don’t think we’ve seen this current incarnation of Mets play as a team since.

The Mets needed a big bat in the offseason and didn’t want to pay for it. Pay on the cheap and this is what happens. Sheffield doesn’t even fit that bill. Other than the hopes that Sheff brings the crazy to break the monotony of another mediocre summer, I could care less that he’s on the team.

Wright is moving to the five slot, Beltran to hit third. Might as well, nothing else works. Maybe we could draw the lineup out of a hat and see what works. Who knows.

Also, Manuel wants Beltran to steal more bases. I’m glad Jerry’s been paying attention because we all know how well Beltran excels when he has a minor leg injury.

Posted under Angry Rant