Sorry for the non-baseball post but I wanted to post this. I’m a huge fan of the franchise. I beat San Andreas twice (hey girls!) and loved Vice City. I’m sure almost every American has at least watched a piece on or read a story about Grand Theft Auto IV the past week. I was one of those Yahoos that went to the store at midnight on Monday to get the game and took the next day off from work in order to play all night. I’m not kidding, I spent midnight on my 30th birthday waiting on line to pick up my video game.

I’m sure you’ve seen at least one story on the cable news channels regarding GTA (I’m certain they write these to scare old people). Case in point: I was in my company’s break room yesterday and CNN was doing a story about the evils of Grand Theft Auto IV. First off, I swear they are basically re-running the same video game story over and over again and just interchanging the names Duke Nuke’em and GTA IV. Secondly, could any of these stories include someone with knowledge on the subject of the game on which they’re reporting if not just the game in question? The reporter obviously hasn’t played a video game since Pac-man if ever. The main anchor had the following exchange with another in studio anchor whom I assume was supposed to have done at least some research or maybe play the game (I do give CNN credit for putting two hot chicks on the screen to discuss hookers and lap dances, but they could have at least made out for a while! Zing!):

“Expert” on the subject Reporter: You’re character can get a lap dance, mug people, and drive drunk.

Appalled main Anchor: “If this video game is so lewd and distasteful, why is it such a big popular item?”

“Expert” on the subject anchor: “Well the big attraction is that you can play on-line with up to 16 players!”

As if that is some kind of groundbreaking feature. Wow, did she miss the point. I don’t watch CNN often, but I can assume if this female anchor, let’s call her Susie, was trusted with covering other popular tech products, I’m sure it would go like this:

Q: So what makes ______________ such a popular item, Susie?

The I-pod? - “It has ear phones!”
The I-phone? “It has an alpha numeric key pad!”
The Hi-Def TV? “It’s in color!”
The DVD Player? “It comes with a remote!”

Also, anyone that plays the game to get lap dances, kill hookers or drive drunk (A feature im certain they added for shock value; it isn’t fun or challenging) is either 14 or lacks the skills of a hard core gamer and thinks Pete Alfano articles are clever and funny.

Anyway, all the old ladies in the break room were watching with their mouths open and shaking their heads in shock and disgust as they ate their Weight Watchers microwave lunches.

You kids today with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg, hula hoops, Zima and your Pac man video games…

With all apologies to Fire Joe Morgan (who does this much better and funnier), I couldn’t, in good conscience let this pass with out it’s due mockery…

Well here we are on a Monday and who else to judge the state of sporting world with anecdotal evidence and poorly thought out pronouncements. I probably could have let this go except for the fact it’s completely arbitrary, lacks any direction and I hate people that refer to themselves as “we.” Enjoy:

I woke up this morning with an inexplicable urge to read a hokey, simplistic contrivance by a small bitter man. Well Pete Aflano of the Fort Worth Star Telegram gives us: The Monday Morning Quarterback. Here we go:

Apparently there’s another banned substance problem in sports.

Whoa, Ok, hang on. There is? That’s a weighty declaration from a man whose last baseball related piece bemoaned about the seasons being too long. I give Pete a lot of grief but has he infiltrated an illegal drug ring not just affecting baseball but sports in general? Wow, I really have to give credit to Pete here; this is a major, major story.

And it doesn’t have anything to do with Josh Howard’s admission on Michael Irvin’s radio show that he likes to chill during the off-season by smoking weed. A whimsical thought here: Given Irvin’s brush with drugs over the years, do you think he and Howard may have a future as the new Cheech and Chong?

What? Get to the “another banned substance problem in sports.”

As fascinating and ill-advised as that revelation is by the Mavericks star forward, you may not have heard about the no-nonsense approach Major League Baseball took last week against bottled water.

Oh.

So it really isn’t another banned substance problem in sports. You lied to me Pete.

Yes, you read that correctly. Water, the stuff that comes out of the tap but we are willing to pay for at the store. The beverage that is generally regarded as the best and purest means of quenching your thirst without adding calories, sugar, salt and some chemical concoction responsible for the rainbow of colors among the sports drinks on supermarket shelves.

I was pretty hazy on what water was, thank you General Jack D. Ripper.

Eight glasses a day is what health experts say should be the minimum amount we consume. It helps cleanse our bodies internally, as well as externally, when we combine it with soap in the shower.

Well last time he told us what a “fitness expert” would have said IF he would have asked one. At least this time, and Pete is implying that he actually did research here. Pete says experts, (being plural so at least more than one) said to him that eight glasses of water per day is what experts recommend we consume. I blast this guy every time he touches on my favorite sport while doing absolutely no research or fact checking. Now Pete implies that he talked to two people during the writing of this story. I have to check, hold on.

Kidney specialists do agree on one thing, however: the 8-by-8 rule is a gross overestimate of any required minimum. To replace daily losses of water, an average-sized adult with healthy kidneys sitting in a temperate climate needs no more than one liter of fluid, according to Jurgen Schnermann, a kidney physiologist at the National Institutes of Heath.

Oh, nope, Pete just pulled the eight glasses thing out of his ass but I like that he cares enough to lie to me. I feel like I’ve made a difference. But more to Pete’s point.

You mean to tell me Baseball has banned water? Players are no longer allowed to drink water, bottled or otherwise, are they mandated to shower with Gatorade? Well I guess that’s still kind of a big story, sorta.

Don’t get me wrong, the Monday Morning Quarterback is not angling for a bottled-water endorsement. If you promise not to tell anyone, we’ll confess to basically disliking water. We’ll tolerate in flavored fitness drinks, but that’s about the extent of it.

You’re really soft selling your argument Pete.

It seems baseball tried to sneak a fastball past us while we were preoccupied with the NBA, the NHL playoffs and the NFL draft. (By the way, we think the Steelers may still be on the clock).

I can’t believe that baseball has banned the consumption of H2O for all players. It’s too bad players don’t have an ultra-powerful union that could campaign for the rights of its members to drink water.

Apparently, Gatorade is the “official sports drink” of MLB. That means baseball players cannot drink bottled water in the dugout even if they remove the brand label from the bottle. They can drink water from a water cooler or fountain but no plastic bottles, even if they are the environmentally friendly kind.

Oh, so they’re not really banning water, just plastic bottles in the dugout. That really isn’t a big story worthy of the outrage that Pete thinks will come from this development.

OK, insert your own punchline.

Hello? Pete? Hello?

Most people we heard jumped on the fact that baseball was quicker to crack down on bottled water than steroids, HGH and amphetamines. The next question may be this: Why is that, exactly?

Most people he’s heard, not his idea, then another question. I think we should look for answers from what an aging iconic pop star from Detroit who speaks with a British accent and that’s really into Kabala sang about 25 years ago.

Well, as Madonna sang in her formative years, “we are living in a material world,” and baseball needs a lot more than the hard-earned money you spend for tickets and concessions to pay multimillion dollar salaries to players and still turn a handsome profit.

Here comes the “baseball making money = evil” half thought out point Pete is famous for on this site.

That’s where the television revenue, merchandising (all those alternative jerseys and hats) and product licensing cone into play. It’s why the NFL requires players to wear designated caps on the sidelines when they remove their helmets. The fear of alienating corporate sponsors because of image reasons is what prompted the NBA to institute a dress code before the 2005-2006 season when the impression was that many players looked like rappers than hoopsters.

First off, Pete’s a racist. Secondly, who gives a damn what baseball players drink in the clubhouse on the bench or at home or what hat they wear? Does it really add or detract from anyone’s enjoyment of any sport?

And it is why MLB wasted no time having signs placed on clubhouse doors that say “No Bottled Water on the Bench.”

Hey, Grand Theft Auto IV comes out tonight at midnight. I took tomorrow off work to play all night. I remember how much I played San Andreas on the PS2. Man, GTA IV is going to be sick.

The Newark Star-Ledger blew the whistle on baseball last week when a reporter noticed a sign at US Cellular Field in Chicago when the Yankees were in town to play the White Sox.

It was Ed Price, not that details are important to any Alfano piece. Also, kind of a dick move naming the paper but not the reporter.

Another digression: Remember when it was simply Comiskey or White Sox Park ? See what we mean?

Well I remember that field used to be called New Comiskey Park . There was another stadium called Comiskey Park . The building known as US Cellular Field has only once been known as New Comiskey Park . I have not ever heard of such place as “ White Sox Park .” Was that a play on words marketing for the parking lot? So no, I don’t see what you mean.

All you need to know about the top priority of professional sports leagues these days is to see how quickly they respond to anyone jeopardizing a marketing agreement. That’s because steroid use, alcohol abuse, felonies and other crimes and misdemeanors have failed to slow the gravy train. Baseball’s steroids era may have given the game a black eye with historians and pundants, but it was also a time of growth and prosperity.

Read that first part again:
“All you need to know about the top priority of professional sports leagues these days is to see how quickly they respond to anyone jeopardizing a marketing agreement.”

That’s all you need to know. I’m not sure why Pete’s so angry at Major League Baseball for making money. Apparently, Pete was of the belief that baseball was not a business. With every MMQB piece, I find him becoming more and more bitter toward capitalism in general. I think Pete is some kind of closet-radical communist with a secret agenda to have the government take over control of baseball and run it as a non-profit organization. We would all get free tickets and tax payer funded merchandise while the players make minimum wage. But what kind of catcher are you going to get for minimum wage. He probably wouldn’t be very good a blocking pitches in the dirt or calling a game, but it would teach those bastard owners to run a successful business.

Baseball should toast its good fortune – with a bottle of Gatorade of course.

I think this was an exercise to make some haughty self righteous point about the benefits of steroids to owners done in such a way that muddles any reasonable concept that may or may not exist. If players were injecting themselves with steroids on the bench, Pete might have a fair point or if Major League Baseball was attempting to stop all players from drinking bottled water 24 hours a day, seven days a week he would have a point. On top of that, he didn’t even think of it. He wrote:

Most people we heard jumped on the fact that baseball was quicker to crack down on bottled water than steroids, HGH and amphetamines.”

I would like to know exactly how much money Pete spends on Major League Baseball in general per year. I bet it’s under twenty bucks. If Pete wrote a story about how little work goes into writing a story it would open a rift in the time space continuum and the universe would end.

Great offensive output from the Mets tonight. Carlos Beltran and David Wright were robbed of home runs. Carlos robbed by to a blown call by the umpires and David due to the fact that the Marlins play in a ridiculous football stadium with a 600 foot deep centerfield fence. Carlos getting screwed doesn’t change my belief that instant replay is unnecessary for Major League Baseball. Would instant replay have given Beltran a homerun instead of his third double? For those of you who say yes, ask an Oklahoma Sooner fan about the game against Oregon. When baseball is dragged reluctantly into adopting something new, I doubt they embrace it with open arms. The umpires get it right so often that when they blow a call, it’s a glaring error.

Also, throwing a red flag on the field is effeminate and demeaning for both the manager and umpire crew.

Regardless of the blown call, I can’t imagine why the crew reversed the initial homerun ruling. Rick Reed is a great umpire and crew chief. If Carlos would have sold it more, he would have picked up the first Mets home run of 2008.

BTW, if Carlos hits 73 more homeruns this year, will he get an asterisk (in a good way) home run king title?

David Wright is just raking at the plate. David’s off-season work we’ve heard about paid off, for the first three games anyway. The Mets need a big season out of Wright this year to supplement Delgado’ decline. That diving stop at third was a gem and more surprisingly, David didn’t airmail the throw over Delgado to a hotdog vender on the concourse area. When David hits his prime, it’s going to be scary.

Castillo is growing on me. Luis is a tough out. If he can stay healthy, the Mets may finally have the one-two table setters they thought they had with Kaz Matsui and Jose Reyes.

Castillo could be the Mets answer to Dan Uggla. That guy scares the crap out of me. They have a lot of hitters that scare the crap out of me. The Florida Marlins are afraid of success. If they wouldn’t have run Joe Girardi out of town, the NL East could be better than the NL West this year.

Bottom line, great cathartic win after Pedro’s injury and walk-off loss last night. This season might not be a total disaster after all.

Around the National League East

In case you missed it, Scott Spiezio has been given a minor league contract with Atlanta. Braves general manager Frank Wren was quoted as saying, “Well ya know, a big part of our fan base are douche bags. With Andruw [Jones] going to LA, we felt that took a lot away from our appeal. With Chipper [Larry Jones] and of course Tommy [Glavine] coming back, we felt we were one player away from a complete team of douche bags. Scott brings a heavy douchbagginess factor to our organization that we feel will restore the Atlanta Braves to the franchise of douchiness excellence we’ve established over the past two decades.”

cred·i·ble adjective
1. capable of being believed; believable: a credible statement.
2. worthy of belief or confidence; trustworthy: a credible witness.

Remember how most fans scoffed at the allegations made in Jose Canseco’s book Juiced? He really was a prophet of the baseball future telling truths fans didn’t want to hear. I wonder what he’s doing now with his new found credibility…

Jose Canseco says in his new book that he introduced Alex Rodriguez to a steroids distributor and that A-Rod was trying to sleep with Canseco’s wife, according to the web site of freelance writer Joe Lavin, who says he obtained Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and the Battle to Save Baseball on Monday from a bookstore in Cambridge, Mass. The book is due to be released Tuesday. A-Rod on the claims: “I really, absolutely, have no reaction,” and “I don’t know how to answer that.” Associated Press

That credibility must have really been burning a hole in his pocket; he had it for about a month. I wonder what else he’s got in store…

Canseco is rumored to be already working on a third book entitled Here’s Some More Shit I Just Made up and other Axes I have to Grind in which Canseco recounts introducing Cal Ripken to an ecstasy dealer and Cal’s failed repeated attempts to seduce Canseco’s mailman and the ensuing graphic sexual assault that followed. The book is expected to be released Mid-July in time to try and exploit the All Star Break. –Lonestar Mets

I guess Jose blew all his money from Juiced on hookers and blow and needs loose cash again. Again, Canseco may be a willing dupe of the A-Rod media machine. This comes on the heels of another A-Rod story. Painting A-Rod in a victim role to make him more likable may work based on the fact that nothing else has.

I swear to God I didn’t write this. From the Office of the District Attorney Tony Rackauckas, Orange County DA:

At approximately 12:20 a.m. on December 30, 2007, [Scott] Spiezio is accused of leaving a bar in Newport Beach after spending the evening drinking several vodka drinks. He is accused of getting into his 2004 BMW and attempting to drive home while under the influence of alcohol. Spiezio is accused of speeding, cutting across several lanes, crossing through the oncoming traffic lanes, driving over a curb, and crashing into a fence. The crash knocked down a fence pole and blew out the front two tires of the car. Spiezio is accused of getting out of the car and fleeing the scene on foot.

The defendant is accused of running to his Irvine condominium complex and going to a friend’s condo, who lived in the same complex. While his friend attempted to clean up the defendant, Spiezio is accused of vomiting in his friend’s room. When the friend made a comment about the vomit, Spiezio is accused of becoming angry and attacking his friend, punching him repeatedly and throwing him against a wall.

According to the website, “Scott Spiezio is charged with misdemeanors for driving under the influence of alcohol, driving with a blood alcohol of .08 percent or more, hit and run with property damage, aggravated assault, battery, and assault. If convicted, he faces a maximum sentence of two years in jail. A $10,000 warrant has been issued for his arrest.”

According to MLB.com approximately two hours after the news circulated, the Cardinals released Spiezio.

OK, I wrote this next part…

A hastily thrown together, impromptu press conference was called at the Cardinals spring training facility in Jupiter, FL.Manager Tony LaRussa, whom sacrificed his driving privileges after a drunk driving arrest of last march addressed both the baseball press and reporters for Gay Men’s Facial Hair Monthly, in town exclusively to cover the utility man. “Today” the skipper, behind dark glasses and smelling of Chivas, addressed the gaggle, quote, “The Sint Louuis Cardals hiv showen the lege tha this behevor is intolerablelele.” After seemingly falling asleep at the podium, the Skipper was nudged awake by Cardinal GM John Mozeliak. LaRussa jolted, then blurted “Quesstins?”

A somewhat timid beat writer for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch meekly raised his hand and asked, “Tony, how does this differ from the team’s approach and mindset as it relates to your own arrest during last year’s spring training?”

LaRussa swayed back and forth and shouted “Lookit, Cause Izz drivin an SUV, supid!” then in a whisper to the reporter “hey man, your goat stole my beer, thas not cool” before the cardinal skipper vomited and passed out.

Two drunk driving arrests and a drunk driving death in the span of a year. Wow, something is really wrong with this organization. Ya know what this team needs? A good leader that can relate to this alcohol fueled clubhouse. This team needs a Kennedy, not Adam; Ted Kennedy.

As quickly as I wake up from my winter slumber with images of Pedro and Santana and the arms running and stretching in Port Saint Lucie, the bore of Spring Training sets in twice as fast. Stories of batting practice bruises and twenty something pitches from Duaner only make me long for April, May, June, July, August, September, and sometimes, if we’re lucky, October. I firmly believe that spring training records mean as much as the baseball power rankings. I must admit though, the Spring Training Jerseys are pretty sharp.

Living here in Dallas, I get the experience of watching baseball from a distance. With the advent of MLBTV (which I consider to be the eight wonder of the world) I can feel close to my team, watching every game, as opposed to merely a decade ago when displaced Mets fans tracked the Amazins via the three inch recap in the sports page, or the 20 second highlight clip on Sports Center.

Daily access to my team not withstanding, I necessitate live access to my team, at least once a year. Shea’s curtain call will definitely lead to a visit to the Big Apple by Lonestar Mets to say goodbye to the old girl. Eighty one games just seem too short to say goodbye to something that’s been my team’s home my entire life. Why I feel the overly emotional need to travel 1,500 miles to say goodbye to an inanimate object, well that’s another post for another day.

The tradition I have every year to participate at a game live with my team is the Mets annual trip to Houston. Every year Mrs. Lonestar and I travel down to that vile, humid, Aggie filled city for the one thing that justifies entering the city limits of that god-awful town; The New York Mets. In fact, I have been buying tickets via MLB.com for so long that the Astros have given me presale access and even in the fall of 2006 Playoff rights.* This year was no different, two games from field level, one in club level and a 60 percent chance to see Johan. Also a 100% chance I piss off Astro fans.
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Look, I’m holding the logo over my boobs. Isn’t that sexy and edgy? Anybody? Hello?

I can’t wait until Phillies fans discover why this is funny, to Mets fans anyway. It just goes to show, no matter what she says or how good she looks, someone, somewhere is sick of her shit. Of course I could be wrong, maybe Brett Myers is going to teach her a lesson. Isn’t domestic violence funny?

I put the over under on Philly-Anna Hate at about the All Star Break. The shame of it is, none of it will really be Anna’s fault. I mean when you give a chimpanzee a revolver, you can’t blame the chimp.

The the Bensons were and ice cream flavor they’d be pralines and dick.

Have fun with this one Philadelphia! Suckers…

Well that certainly was underwhelming. Roger still looks guilty even with his week long lobbying of congressmen. This really could have taken place on Judge Judy. Of course if it did take place in Judge Judy’s court we would have an outcome. Granted the outcome would have been determined by which party sassed mouth Judge Judy and which one “Yes Ma’amed” her more since neither party is female but at least it would be over.

No smoking gun, no breakdowns into tears, no shocking admissions of guilt, just a lot of scolding. It wasn’t even good theater really. All of this would have been much more interesting if the DNA testing had been completed on the syringes. It couldn’t possibly take this long. On CSI they get it done in an hour and that’s even with commercials. This whole thing was mostly a waste of time.

Congressman: One syringe, with Roger Clemens DNA

Clemens: That was used for vitamin shots

Congressman: One document showing the presence of HGH

Clemens: That’s not mine; someone must be playing a prank on me. That sort of thing isn’t my bag, baby.

Congressman: One book, “Instructing your trainer to inject you with HGH and/or anabolic steroids and me, this sort of thing IS my bag, baby” by Roger Clemens

Clemens: *Gulp*

If sometime around 2003 you breathed a sigh of relief at the notion that you would never have to listen to the WWF wrestling aficionado and former Atlanta Brave John Rocker, well you just thought wrong.

In an interview on Monday that sounds like I wrote it, the former star of Pros vs. Joes star claims he flunked a drug test ordered by Major League Baseball in 2000, though baseball did not punish the pitcher for the result.

On Atlanta Radio Station 100.5 former Atlanta reliever and current asshat John Rocker stated “Bud Selig knew in the year 2000 John Rocker was taking the juice,” the pitcher said Monday on the Atlanta radio station. “Didn’t do anything about it.” Adding further “I am a pompous douchebag that talks in the third person.” Before quipping, “Bud Selig is a clown and should do the entire world a favor and kill himself.”

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Hi, I’m surefire Hall of Fame Pitcher Roger Clemens. If you want to win 300 games like I did, chances are you’re going to need a little help. I recommend HGH, but if your old school, you might go the steroids route. Both options are great; I would have been out of the game in the mid 90s without my either one of my little buddies. But make no mistake; you need to cover your tracks. Well you’re old buddy Rocket has you covered. In this video, you’ll learn the secrets that will help you get away with it, lets get started shall we?

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