If sometime around 2003 you breathed a sigh of relief at the notion that you would never have to listen to the WWF wrestling aficionado and former Atlanta Brave John Rocker, well you just thought wrong.

In an interview on Monday that sounds like I wrote it, the former star of Pros vs. Joes star claims he flunked a drug test ordered by Major League Baseball in 2000, though baseball did not punish the pitcher for the result.

On Atlanta Radio Station 100.5 former Atlanta reliever and current asshat John Rocker stated “Bud Selig knew in the year 2000 John Rocker was taking the juice,” the pitcher said Monday on the Atlanta radio station. “Didn’t do anything about it.” Adding further “I am a pompous douchebag that talks in the third person.” Before quipping, “Bud Selig is a clown and should do the entire world a favor and kill himself.”

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Hi, I’m surefire Hall of Fame Pitcher Roger Clemens. If you want to win 300 games like I did, chances are you’re going to need a little help. I recommend HGH, but if your old school, you might go the steroids route. Both options are great; I would have been out of the game in the mid 90s without my either one of my little buddies. But make no mistake; you need to cover your tracks. Well you’re old buddy Rocket has you covered. In this video, you’ll learn the secrets that will help you get away with it, lets get started shall we?

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Last night, my white haired, crazy eyed scientist friend named Doc revealed to me that he had invented a time machine out of a Delorean. We traveled to the year 2030 where I saw an antique store and purchased Grays Sports Almanac in order to make 100% accurate predictions here on Lonestar Mets. I thought I would share a passage from it that my readers might find interesting. Have a look:

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According to a report Friday in the Rocky Mountain News, the Mets are “close” to a deal for free-agent starter Livan Hernandez, who could provide a boost for their rotation.

[Lonestar Mets reading about the upcoming Giants Superbowl]

Omar: We are close to signing Livan Hernandez.

[Lonestar Mets reads a piece on Eli Manning and Joe Namath]

Omar: Sir!

Lonestar Mets: What?

Omar: I’m close to signing Livan Hernandez; do you think he’s any good?

Lonestar Mets: I don’t watch Diamondback games.

Omar: Well have you heard anything about him?

Lonestar Mets: No.

Omar: You’ve never heard anyone say anything about this pitcher?

Lonestar Mets: I find it’s best to stay out of other teams affairs.

Omar: [Shuffles his scouting reports] What about this free agent right-handed starter?

Lonestar Mets: [Doesn’t look up] He sucks.

Omar: It’s the same pitcher; you’re not even paying attention!

Lonestar Mets: No, I wasn’t.

Omar: I don’t think your Manager Willie would appreciate…

Lonestar Mets: I don’t appreciate your ruse, sir.

Omar: My what?

Lonestar Mets: Your ruse; Your cunning attempt to trick me.

Omar: I only pointed out that you weren’t paying any attention to what I’m doing.

Lonestar Mets: I hope it feels good.

Omar: You hope what feels good?

Lonestar Mets: I hope it feels so good to be right. There is nothing more exhilarating than signing old pitchers with major shortcomings, is there?

Omar: [Threatening tone] This is the last time you’ll hear rumors that I’m going to sign Livan Hernandez!

Lonestar Mets: They will be missed.

Omar: Screw you!

Lonestar Mets: Screw me?

I went ahead and re-punctuated the relevant part of the story and italicized for effect:

According to a “report” Friday in the Rocky Mountain “News“, the Mets are “close” to a “deal” for free-agent “starter” Livan Hernandez, who could provide a “boost” for their “rotation.”

Tired of waiting on the Twins to make a move on Santana? Why not dust off that long time rumored chestnut of the half-brother of our current disabled list resident in order to force the Twins into action. Why not? It’s believable isn’t it? How many times have we seen Livan Hernandez rumored to be on a short list to bolster pitching? And since when is the Rocky Mountain News an authority on breaking Mets news?

Course it is. Ya think if I leave that story under my pillow at night, the Rocky Mountan News Rumor Fairy might come by and leave a quarter? The point is, how do you know the Rocky Mountain News Fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer? “Build model airplanes” says the little fairy, but we’re not buying it. Next thing you know, there’s money missing off the dresser and your daughter’s knocked up, I seen it a hundred times. Hey, if you want me to take a dump on a page and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about acquiring a quality pitcher.

Threats won’t work; the Twins could live without those five prospects (or four prospects and Ryan Church depending on who’s handicapping at the moment) rumored to be in the deal. The Mets are sure as hell not going to throw in Wright or Reyes to sweeten the deal. They can’t afford to take on anybody else; they cost too much. What would expedite the Twins trade of Santana? Maybe only having two teams in a bidding war instead of three. The Red Sox and Yankees have honed the art of not getting played off each other until the sum of the parts leaving Beantown or the Big Apple far exceeds the sum of the returning player.

My gut tells me that this is a ploy, we’ll sure see in the next few days but I doubt this works.  

God this year’s Hot Stove season sucks!

If you ever write a throw away joke on your website involving Gerald McGraney you WILL get hate email. Some lady put a curse on me and every sports team I like. If you believe in the curse of Major Dad, bet all you have on the Patriots to win the Superbowl.

No Cheese hats. Sorry but Packer fans are a unique mix between annoying and fanatical with a touch of stupid; kind of like Gerald McRaney, except in a bad way.

I really thought that was a harmless (and stupid) throw away joke involving a B rate celebrity people barely remember. I wasn’t aware he had factions of zealous followers. Apparently I was mistaken:

What is your problem with GERALD MCRANEY??
Here’s hoping your precious team doesn’t win!!
Or, you could take what you said about GM back and I will take away the curse.

Wow, sorry it was just a joke. I would never intentionally offend the Apostle Gerald McRaney or any of his disciples so sayeth Johnston Green, so say we all.

I can’t figure out if she cursed the Giants since that is my team or the Patriots I predicted they win in a landslide. Adjust your wagers accordingly.

Sorry for yet another non-baseball post but I had to share this one. If you don’t read Filmdrunk on a regular basis you are really missing out. I saw this today; this has to be one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Regarding the Golden Globe Awards:

So who votes on these?  The Hollywood Foreign Press Association.  Yup, foreigners, it figures.  You just know this is some French plot to prove how bad English-language movies are, in order to promote a French film about a woman who never leaves her bedroom but smokes a lot and shows her beaver.  And in doing so shows us the true meaning of passion.

Read the whole post here.

In baseball news the Yanks take time to announce they have no offer on the table for Johan Santana. Great, thanks for the announcement. God this is a boring off-season.
Thirty days until pitchers and catcher, ugh.

Sunday night on 60 Minutes, (video and transcript can be found here) Mike Wallace’s interview of Roger Clemens was aired to the nation. For my loyal readers, I have taken the opportunity to highlight the interview’s telling moments. All of the itallicized remarks are actual quotes, interjected with my thoughts in plain text, enjoy:

Wallace: “He gave very specific examples of times he says that he injected you with steroids. During the ‘98 season, you were pitching for the Blue Jays. McNamee was their strength and conditioning coach. From the Mitchell Report, quote: ‘Clemens approached McNamee, and for the first time, brought up the subject of using steroids. Clemens said that he was not able to inject himself and he asked for McNamee’s help. McNamee injected Clemens approximately four times in the buttocks over a several week period, with needles that Clemens provided. Each incident took place in Clemens’ apartment.’”

Clemens: “Never happened, Never happened. And if I have these needles and these steroids and all these drugs, where did I get ‘em? Where is the person out there gave ‘em to me? Please, please come forward.”

What never happened? that he was unable to inject himself? That he provided the needles? that it took place in his apartment. Sounds like plausible deniablity…

Wallace: “Mitchell Report, quote: ‘According to McNamee, from the time McNamee injected Clemens with Winstrol, a steroid, through the end of the ‘98 season, Clemens performance showed remarkable improvement. Clemens told McNamee that the steroids, quote, had a pretty good effect on him. McNamee said Clemens was also training harder and dieting better during this time,’”

Clemens: “Never. I trained hard my entire career. Uh,It just didn’t happen,”

Wallace: Why would Brian McNamee want to betray you?

Clemens: “I don’t know, I’m so upset about it, how I treated this man and took care of him.”

Wallace: “I imagine he’s watching the two of us right now, wouldn’t you?”

Clemens: “I hope he is,

Wallace: “Okay. Anything you want to tell him?”

Clemens: “Yeah. I treated him fairly. I treated him great as anybody else, I helped him out!”

This should read, “I should have hired Greg Anderson, he knows how to keep his mouth shut.”

Wallace: “Again, from the Mitchell Report, quote, ‘According to McNamee, during the middle of the 2000 season, Clemens made it clear he was ready to use steroids again. And during the latter part of the season, McNamee injected Clemens in the buttocks four to six times with testosterone. Also injected Clemens four to six times with human growth hormone,’”

Clemens: “My body never changed, If he’s putting that stuff up in my body, if what he’s saying which is totally false, if he’s doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead. I should be pulling tractors with my teeth.”

This just in, Steriods can grow new ears, great news for the hearing impaired I guess…

Wallace as a Narrator: But he did ask Clemens for a favor just a few days before the Mitchell Report came out.

Clemens: “He e-mails me and asks me where all the good fishing equipment is down at Cabo, that I bought, so he can go fishing. Thank you very much. I said, ‘Have a good time, go fishing,’”"Doesn’t say a word that you, that you know I’m fixing to bury you with all these accusations and what do we do about it. Didn’t say a word about it. That’s what pisses me off.”

I hate it when I loan guys my fishing gear after they testify against me to congress, that’s just obscene…

Wallace as Narrator: That night, he threw a three-hitter and won the game. What worries him today, he told 60 Minutes, is all the Vioxx pills various trainers gave him. Vioxx was a widely used anti-inflammatory and painkiller, before it was taken off the market for causing heart attacks and strokes.

Clemens: “I was eating Vioxx like it was Skittles. And now these people who are supposedly regulating it tell me it’s bad for my heart,” Clemens says. “I don’t know what the future holds because of the medicine that I’ve eatin’, but I trusted that it was not harmful. And I didn’t wanna put anything in my body that was harmful.”

*”And I was taking steroids like they were Skittles, M&M’s, Snickers, Twix , AND Milky Way’s if that can bring things in perspective. If anyone is accused of wrong doing it should be the MARS corporation shouldn’t it?… Wait, can we edit that?*

*(Secret audio Lonestar Mets has obtained, omitted from the 60 Minutes Broadcast)

Wallace as Narrator: Clemens may appear as requested at a congressional hearing in ten days. His challenge is getting people to believe him.

Clemens: “I don’t know if I can defend myself, I think people, a lot of people, have already made their decisions,”

Wallace: “Well, a lot of people have made…,”

Clemens: “And that’s our country, isn’t it? Guilty before innocent. That that’s the way our country works now. And then everybody’s talking about sue, sue, sue. Should I sue? Well, let me exhaust. Let me just spend. How about, let’s keep spending,” Clemens says. “But I’m gonna explore what I can do and then I want to see if it’s gonna be worth it, worth all the headache.”

Right on Rog, eff America. I mean it’s a shame you had to pitch here and make millions of dollars in exchange for being a public figure susceptible to scrutiny. It is a travisty that you werent allowed to pitch in Cuba and make 6 cents a week…

Wallace: How about a lie detector test?

Clemens: “Some say they’re good. Some say they’re not. I’ll do whatever,”

Wallace: “So as far as you’re concerned, you would conceivably?”

Clemens: “Yeah. I don’t know if they’re good or bad,”

Wallace: “Were you to pass a lie detector test, would that help prove that you’re telling the truth and help restore?”

Clemens: “Would it?”

Wallace: “I don’t know,”

Clemens: “I don’t know either,”

Yeah, cause if I was 100 percent innocent, I would stick to edited videos on You Tube and statements through my attorney.

Clemens: “But I understand that as a public person, you’re gonna take some shots. The higher you get up on the flagpole, the more your butt shows? And I understand all that,” “But I’m tired of answering to ‘em. That’s probably why I will not ever play again. I don’t want to answer to it. I want to slide off and be just a citizen.

Wallace: “You’re retiring. Period,”

Clemens: “Probably, “I would say, yeah. If I sit here and tell you right now, I would say yes.Wallace: You’re not going to pitch again?

Clemens: You’ll never see me pitch again

Afterwards Clemens agent officially announced Roger’s retirement citing Rogers lifelong dream to grow a ear out of his forehead and holding exhibitions pulling tractors with his teeth. After that, Clemens’ agent hinted Clemens may have plans to set a world record for eating Skittles.

Narrator: The controversy speculation has kicked in to high gear, and tonight, so does Andy:

Andy: When you look at the state of Major league Baseball today, it’s surprising that we haven’t invented pitching machines to throw strikes every pitch. I hate watching a hitter work the count. The two greatest pitchers of all time were probably either Mitch Williams or Roger Clemens.

Are these scandals in baseball really worth all the fuss? I remember when baseball had some more understandable scandals; like when those two pitchers for the Yankees swapped wives in spring training. I remember thinking, “what’s the big deal, who hasn’t done that at least once a month?” Of course I switched out for a male lover.

You know who was also really named Clemens? Mark Twain. I wonder if he ever did steroids. Do you think Huck Finn would have injected him? Or do you think Tom Sawyer would have testified to George Mitchell? I doubt it. I think he probably would have had that Injun Joe scalp Mitchell and then frame him for killing Aunt Polly. At least that’s what I’d have done. Or maybe I would have pinned it on that (EXPLETIVE DELETED-racial slur “N”-Word) Barry Bonds.

What’s with all the controversy about Huck Finn anyway? I mean sure they call one character (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Jim, but I use that term every day for (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Ed Bradley and no one seems to care. Oh, well.. I guess it’s the fags…or maybe the Jews…

Why am I even still on the air?

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

We’ll be back again next week for another addition of 60 minutes.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,

When Roger Clemens lies to the country he does it on…CBS!

Thought you were through with this guy didn’t you?

LONESTAR METS PREDICTION: As soon as the news cycle starts to tire of the Mitchell Report discussion, baseball television and radio shows will look for another way to beat a dead horse for one more week of discussion. None other than Charlie Hustle (talk about the all time dead horse) will take full advantage of this report to inject himself into baseball news again in a pathetic attempt to weasel his way into the hall.

You heard it her first folks.

Get ready for Pete Rose to try and vault over the walls into the hall of fame. Here comes the old “well I never used any performance enhancing drugs to become baseball’s all time hit king and if home run king Barry Bonds can be inducted why shouldn’t I” argument.

Of course this will be met with the argument that baseball has always been vague on steroids while gambling on baseball has always been the one absolute mortal sin, the forbidden fruit from which one bite would insure your absence forever.

An argument I happen to agree with.

My Two Cents 

For the record I hate Pete Rose. I won’t deny that. I thought he was a showboat. I think he’s shameless. And I like that Kennesaw Landis style banishments last forever. To this day I get chills watching Bart Giamatti’s press conference announcing the decision. It seems so eternal and epic as if it defies reproach.

Rose’s accomplishments are impressive. I don’t want him in the Hall, but if we have to let him in, baseball should wait four years after his death.

Man, I should be a sports radio program director.
There you go, next week’s news cycle in advance. Enjoy!

One of my new off-season features will be Ed Goss, who lives in New York and has been covering the glitterati for the past few years, but now in retirement focuses on Baseball among other sports. The following is a transcript of my interview.

Lonestar Mets: So, with the disappointing end of the Mets season, what kind of Mets and sports related Gossip do you have for my readers this week? What have you found going on in the Big Apple?

Ed Goss: Well the Waldorf Astoria is certainly is the place to be seen if you’re a visiting celebrity, but what if you’re a celebrity who lives in town? The renowned hotel caters to the every whim of our own bloggers, including Greg Prince’s late night demand for a Keith Hernandez sized bag of cocaine. Greg partied the night away with some lovely Latin beauties dancing franticly and putting on impromptu feats of strength, but the night came to an abrupt halt when Greg seized up, clutched his heart and toppled into the pool. His floating Mercury Mets hat alerted the lifeguard on duty that half of Faith and Fear rested somewhere on the concrete bottom

LM: Now come on, Greg doesn’t party like that…

EG: Patrons at the candle room watched Metsblog’s Matt Cerrone and Metstradamus dance the night away, sweating profusely and twirling glow sticks to the thumping beat of house music. Matt left in a huff however, as Metstradamus’s dilated eyes stayed transfixed all night on the thrusting pelvis of NYJer Please’s Ryan Dragoon who just happened to be in the club that night.

LM: What? This sounds so made up…its ridiculous…

EG: Well, well, well who was seen shopping at an upscale boutique in midtown; none other than Can’t Stop the Bleeding’s Jason Cohen. Shoppers say he was looking for a gold plated keyboard to type his magic on and shoppers did their best to keep Jason away from the nearby perfume counter where Deadspin’s Will Leitch was seen shopping for feminine fragrances.

LM: Well those two really aren’t on good terms, I guess…

EG: On Wednesday, a crying, clearly distraught Marty Noble was seen leaving his office wearing an ill-fitting pair of Mossimo Jeans and mesh muscle shirt. Friends say the Mets erratic play and elimination from the playoffs has prompted Marty to put on 40 pounds since September and reportedly the bearded bombshell was seen ripping through a sundry shop’s Little Debbie display in under four minutes.

LM: That’s an odd occurrence

EG: On Tuesday morning a laughing, clearly inebriated John Delcos was seen riding a Coney Island thrill ride sharing a car with a boyishly grinning Omar Minaya. Fretting security guards stood nearby in the all but deserted amusement park, as Omar and John fed each other hotdogs near the concession stand and ignored the pleas for discretion during the more overt displays of affection.

LM: That is just plain weird…

EG: The hottest Mets-o-sphere couple is without a doubt Toasty Joe and his new bride. You can bet your website’s traffic that Joe knows how to take care of his lady. The recently wed couple were spotted walking the Toasty’s horse in Central Park when a panhandler made an offhand comment about Joe’s Mets shirt. Joe did a double back flip and assumed a jujitsu fighting pose. The panhandler advanced and Joe unleashed a flurry of karate chops and bicycle kicks leaving the bum disoriented. Joe then scurried up the chain link backstop of the baseball diamond and pounced on the bum’s back collapsing him on an abandoned card table.

LM: Why would Joe be so violent?

EG: Finally, Mike Steffanos saved the day for one local broadcaster. Gary Cohen was seen walking aimlessly through SoHo wheeling an IV tree filled with methadone bags. When the IV tree took a spill on the rough pavement. Who came out of the shadows to ride it; none other than Mike‘s Mets himself. This caught the attention of Dave from Mets Lifers and the two men adjourned to Mo Pitkin’s for a steak and Champaign dinner.

NOTE: The tag on this post is clearly humorous and it should be obvious to the reader by the second paragraph that none of this really happened. It’s all lies; but they’re entertaining lies. And in the end isn’t that the real truth? The answer is no. All of the writer’s mentioned are my favorites, daily must reads and the best around, Just thought I would have fun with a few names and in the meantime get a few laughs to take our minds off the agonizing end to 2007. I apologize if any of the aforementioned writers were offended in anyway.

Less than 24 hours after Lastings Milledge’s arrival to Shea Stadium, the outspoken young outfielder was in the midst of yet another controversy: “Sock-Gate.” Sources close to the team have refused to comment, deferring all inquiries to Public Relations Director Jay Horowitz’s office; Horowitz was not available for comment at the time of the story. Though the Mets front office remains quiet, not all members of the organization are maintaining silence.

Lonestar Mets has learned that All-Star closer Billy Wagner is the spokesman for the veteran players on the team, who apparently have a problem with the way Milledge puts on his socks prior to the game.

“It’s just one of those unwritten rules.” The southpaw explained, “You don’t just show up here and put on a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe, you haven’t paid your dues.”

When prompted by reporters as to why this is an issue that would raise concern from veteran players, Wagner quickly replied, “Don’t you know that the whole rookie world puts on a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe?” Wagner explained, “Look, say there was a fire in the club house, and it was raining outside when say, David Wright had only put on two socks, meanwhile Lastings was wearing a sock and a shoe” Wagner continued sternly, “David’s been here, paid his dues, why should he walk around in wet socks while Milledge could hop around all day and keep his feet dry feet?”

Some in the clubhouse felt less incensed by Milledge’s dressing methods, Veteran Pitcher Tom Glavine was even tempered, though obviously disappointed, “it’s not an example you want kids to follow, ya know” the starter explained, “I mean, what if the other sock’s got a hole in it? Kids are going to grow up thinking that you gotta take off a whole shoe and a sock.”

The unapologetic Milledge was quoted pleading “I just like to take care of one foot at a time” before he was quicky ushered into the training room by firstbase coach Howard Johnson.

While the footwear habits were met with almost unanimous condemnation, notorious racist and alleged gambling addict Paul LoDuca stated, “as long as it gets you guys to stop overanalyzing everything I say, I really don’t give a Sh#t.”

Update: Rumors abound that Milledge’s controversial hosiery method has prompted the club to trade the young outfielder and cash to Texas for respected veteran and power hitter Sammy Sosa.

NOTE TO READER: I am obviously kidding here. If you don’t get the reference, you are too young or don’t watch enough syndicated television. I just thought it would be fun to break the first Milledge non-controversy. Hope you got a laugh.