Ho-Lee-Shit. In a story that reads like I wrote it, the New York Daily News reports that the former Mets second basemen and waste of money, Roberto Alomar, uh…has AIDS. Even more insane; that isn’t the most shocking part of the story. Alomar was raped by, uh, just read for yourself: From the NY Daily News:

Baseball great Roberto Alomar has full-blown AIDS but insisted on having unprotected sex, his ex-girlfriend
charged Tuesday in a bombshell lawsuit.

Alomar’s skin had turned purple, he was foaming at the mouth and a spinal tap “showed he had full-blown AIDS,” the suit says.

Ok, hold on. Who has sex with anyone, protected or not with someone whose skin has turned purple and is foaming at the mouth? Well, besides this chick and my ex-girlfriend I mean.

Don’t stop reading yet cause it gets even weirder:

In April 2005, Alomar told Dall he was suffering from erectile dysfunction and confided “he was raped by two Mexican men after playing a ballgame in New Mexico or a Southwestern state when he was 17,” the suit says.

Wow, just wow. I think they buried the lede there. Was it directly after the game? Was it on the field? Was the raped connected to the outcome of the game, like loser gets raped?* That is some high stakes baseball. And how could he not remember the state? I played a lot of baseball growing up and when I was 17 I remember every city and state I got raped in after a tough loss. Uh, what? Nevermind. Who said that?

Moving on,

“I don’t have HIV,” he told her repeatedly, the suit charges.

They broke up last October.

.

Well that’s good; he saved money on a cake at least

She is demanding at least $15 million in punitive damages, claiming Alomar caused her emotional distress and exposed her children to the virus.

This chick has sex with a guy foaming at the mouth and purple, somehow doesn’t get infected, stays with him for almost two years after finding out about his disease and wants 15 mil. Talk about pushing your luck.
I just came up with a way to avoid another September collapse. Remember Jerry Manuel’s threats to Jose Reyes during a game? I thought I would update it:

2008 Motivation:

“I told him next time he does that I’m going to get my blade out and cut him. I’m a gangster. You go gangster on me, I’m going to have to get you. You do that again, I’m going to cut you right on the field,”

2009 New and Improved Motivation

“I told him next time he does that I’m going to get my c$#k out and f*ck him. I’m a rapist. You go soft on me, I’m going to have to get you. You do that again, I’m going to f*ck you right on the field,”

This has got to be the most disturbing thing ever posted on this site, which is saying quite a bit.

Ah, the holiday season. Eggnog, bowl games, shopping malls, department store Santa Clauses and stupid articles written by Pete Alfano bemoaning the New York team’s payrolls. We’ve also learned that Pete’s a communist and has wanted a bad economy for years. Its like a Christmas miracle. I guess this works for me because this year I wanted to see what would happen when a man who barely has a grasp on baseball, is badly informed on the economy and doesn’t know anything about anything would try and write a column about those subjects. That’s Christmas man, that’s Christmas. Let’s get into it:

Economic hard times? Not for Yankees or Mets
By Pete Alfano

This is the season of giving, and it got us thinking: Wouldn’t it be in the spirit of the holidays if the New York Yankees gift-wrapped a player or two for some of the more needy teams in baseball?

What the hell does that mean? Really, what could that even mean?

There might be a recession going on, but the Yankees just committed more than $240 million to a couple of starting pitchers who don’t even use their first name — CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett. Given the speculation that the Yankees are ready to spend even more of the same on Mark Teixeira, Manny Ramirez, Derek Lowe and/or Ben Sheets, we’re starting to believe that the Steinbrenner family has the resources to bail out the auto industry.

Har-har! Topical humor regarding the economy. Who doesn’t pick up the sports page to read more about bail outs? Speaking of which, the fact that this guy gets paid to write a weekly column this inane when the newspaper industry is dying is mind boggling.

The Yankees and their cross-borough rivals, the Mets, are moving into new stadiums next season. Both teams have their own TV networks and don’t seem to be lacking for a healthy season ticket base or corporate sponsorship. Well, maybe the Mets ought to thank the Federal government for saving Citibank, which has paid handsomely for the naming rights to the Mets’ new digs.

Ironically the WIlpons lost what is believed to be around 300 million dollars in a Ponzi scheme. I say ironically because the mastermind behind that scheme: Pete Alfano.*

*I may have misread the story.

And although the Mets signed Francisco Rodriguez — who set the single-season saves record with 62 last season — it was for a package about two years and $20 million short of what K-Rod and his agent had dancing in their sugar plum heads before the stock market crash.

I really have no idea what point he’s trying to make here. If the entire point of this nonsense is that ” Economic hard times? Not for Yankees or Mets” he just invalidated his entire point. Get ready for the next Non sequitur:

Baseball free agency has led to a perception that the sport doesn’t realize that economic hard times have arrived, but that is largely because of what the Yankees can and are willing to spend on free agents.

Look, Pete’s been griping about the economy for at least two years now. I swear that’s the only theme he can write in when it comes to baseball. That’s fine. But he should at least stay consistent. The man constantly complaining that baseball make too much money now frets the impact the economy will have on baseball.

Notice that no one is beating down Ramirez’s door, and while Teixeira will get a lucrative deal, most of the free- agent class is signing or will be signing discounted contracts.

It’s called the free market but maybe someday those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh comrade?

In fact, baseball ultimately might be in a more precarious position than the other team sports — football, basketball and hockey — because it doesn’t have a salary cap that makes all teams created equal, to some degree, anyway.

It has a luxury tax, which is the kinda the same thing, seeing as how all this Yankee spending you’re crying about benefits the poorer teams in the league. Before you publish a baseball article you should think about the premise for more than 3 seconds and more importantly, learn how baseball works.

But if you look at the LPGA, which is reducing its schedule next year; Arena Football League, which considered cancelling the 2009 season; and NASCAR, where teams are losing sponsorships and the financial problems of the big three automakers have a direct impact, there is no denying that sports will feel the effects of the current economic climate.

Ah, nothing says Americana than ladies golf and Arena Football. What is the world coming to when the LPGA and Arena Football have to downsize? Seriously, what percentage of Americans could name an arena league player other than Kurt Warner? .000001%.

And the LPGA? The LPGA would probably do better if women haven’t crossed over. It is the same thing as blaming the economy for the Negro Leagues dying after Jackie and Larry Doby broke the color barriers.

Regardless, I think both LPGA and Arena football ratings are lower than ESPN Poker. I think more people read this crappy website than watch those sports combined. (That’s a burn)

For baseball, that might not come until the early summer. Remember, teams play twice as many games as their counterparts in the NBA and NHL, and the NFL has only eight home games. The seating capacity of baseball stadiums is, on average, about 2 1/2 times greater than an arena. That means teams rely a great deal on walk-up business, fans who decide on the day of a game to take the family to the ballpark.

Attendance has been trending up over the past few years. Even if it goes down this year, it will likely be higher than it was in 2003. Did he do any research whatsoever before writing this? And what does any of this have to do with, “Economic hard times? Not for Yankees or Mets”

Attendance might still be strong in April and May when everyone is in contention, but after the bottom feeders find their rightful place, there might not be much incentive for anyone to spend the small fortune it takes to take the family to a game.

Because, the Royals, Pirates and Nats usually sell out every home game. But by all means, let a dip in Mariners home game attendance encourage you to horde gas, steal food. Don’t trust you neighbors, bottle your urine.

And this isn’t just about small-market teams, either. How will the Detroit Tigers fare in the Motor City, where many of their fans might be employed by the automakers? Even if GM, Chrysler and Ford remain solvent, it appears that layoffs and salary cuts are inevitable for the rank and file.

Drivel, and also nothing to do with the Mets or the Yankees weathering bad economic times.

San Diego is not a major market team when compared to Los Angeles, Chicago or New York, but the Padres shouldn’t have to take a page from the Florida Marlins’ economic playbook by trying to unload pitcher Jake Peavy — one of the best in the game — to cut costs. He makes $11 million a year and the team payroll is a paltry $40 million. Even though the owner is going through a divorce and basically is freezing assets, it doesn’t explain the Padres’ desperate measures.

Well you kinda just did there Petey.

This can’t bode well for franchises such as Pittsburgh, Kansas City and Oakland.

Because they usually sell standing room only seats for August home games, right?

Network television contracts negotiated a few years ago might help professional sports leagues weather the recession. Certainly, this isn’t the first economic downturn they experienced. But the stakes are higher now with more teams, higher costs and more competition for the entertainment dollar.

So basically nothing is going to change anywhere. What any of this has to do with “Economic hard times? Not for Yankees or Mets”

So, the new Yankee Stadium might be one of the few places where it will be business as usual next summer.

What about the Mets? Did you forget your own title? This is so stupid. Baseball will be fine. Go wet your panties somewhere else.

Now, do you think Tom Hicks can persuade the Steinbrenners to play Santa Claus and leave Sheets under the Rangers’ tree?

I don’t know what that even means. Is he advocating the Yankees pay part of the Rangers payroll? Is he suggesting that the Yankees management negotiate a contract on behalf of the Ranger organization?

This may be the most pointless article Pete’s ever written, and that’s saying something. He could have at least lobbied for lower concession prices or something. Also; He mentioned the Mets once in this entire article, despite the title: “Economic hard times? Not for Yankees or Mets.” A more apt title would have been, “I’m an idiot” by Pete Alfano.
Merry Christmas from Lonestar Mets!

On to the Mets, who, after a three game series at home against Philadelphia, hold a two game lead in the-

Wait, he wrote what?

New Orleans?

Why would he…?

What does that have to do with…?

Ok, my backspace key isn’t working so forget what I wrote earlier, here we go:

Pete’s written some excessively insane things (claiming fielders are wearing batting helmets for protection against things thrown from the stands) since I’ve started reading his nonsense, but this is just off the charts psychotic. I’m not sure I even know how to demonstrate how insane this is.

Forecast for NFL in New Orleans partly cloudy

His name is Ike and this destructive force of nature might play a role in the future of the Saints in New Orleans.

Oops! Pronoun disagreement! Want me to help? His name is Ike and his destructive force…(I could have let that go but in the opening sentence? Nope)

His name is Pete and the enormity of his legendary drivel might play a role in the demise of western civilization.

Sound inconceivable?

What, the thing you said? Yes. What I said; the second thing? No. Because what I said; that thing, that’s dead on.

Not when the Monday Morning Quarterback was thinking about how reports were rampant that team owner Tom Benson was looking to move the franchise after Hurricane Katrina struck the Big Easy in 2005.

That is a junky, awkward sentence. Referring to himself in the third person plural form and his insistence on writing in a passive voice when an active one is begging to be employed is baffling and severely hinders him as a writer.

Because of the damage to the Louisiana Superdome, the Saints spent the season playing “home” games in San Antonio and Baton Rouge.

Pete’s right, they really should have played in the Superdome. “Run a five yard slant, I’ll pumpfake when you get to the pile of feces, then break for the piece of the caved in roof and I’ll hit you near that puddle of vomit, on two ready…”

But their return to the Superdome in 2006 was heralded as a morale booster for the city, and a sign that it was on the road to recovery. And according to a report by the Brookings Institution, there has been significant progress made even though that trend has slowed in 2008.

The antecedent here appears to be “morale booster” to which, significant progress has been made, through slowed in 2008 according to an unnamed report by the Brookings Institution. How exactly is that quantifiable? What are you talking about? Referents are an overrated luxury at the Fort Worth Star Telegram.

The report issued on the third anniversary of Katrina, says that New Orleans has regained 72 percent of pre-hurricane households and the region as a whole has regained 86 percent of its jobs. But there is a lack of affordable housing, rents have skyrocketed and thousands of badly damaged houses remain vacant and blights on the city landscape.

If any other writer were penning this piece, the reader could reasonable assume he is talking about “a report by the Brookings Institution” but since this is Pete Alfano, he could be discussing anything from anywhere.

You have to wonder whether the recovery will be slowed even more by Hurricane Gustav, which delivered a glancing blow to New Orleans last Monday, and the menacing presence of Hurricane Ike, ravaging Haiti and Cuba, with its track potentially taking it into the Gulf, where it could regain strength and perhaps make landfall along the Louisiana coast late this week.

That’s why it seemed like the Saints were squeezing a football game between evacuations Sunday when they returned home to defeat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24-20 at the Superdome. The game wasn’t shifted to Tampa as the NFL was prepared to do if Gustav had landed a direct blow to New Orleans. And it was played even though thousands of evacuees had not yet returned home. In fact, attendance was announced at 69,881 — an impressive show of support.

He’s right; it does sound like the “Forecast for NFL in New Orleans partly cloudy” after a near sellout in the middle of a hurricane.

But if residents are asked to leave again because of Ike, you just have to wonder what the long-term impact will be on New Orleans.

I’m sorry, but people that stubbornly live in hurricane areas, below sea level, counterintuitive to common sense, are not going to pack up because the Saints have to play an extra game on the road. If a giant flood destroys your city and you decide to stick around, 7 home games instead of 8 won’t be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

You know what? The name of this piece should be changed from “Monday Morning Quarterback” to “Counterintuitive to Common Sense”

In addition to San Antonio, there were reports in 2005 that Benson was thinking of moving the Saints to Los Angeles, the second-biggest market in the country — and one that’s without a pro football team.

There would have been multiple ways to write that sentence correctly. He chose the wrong one. Also, I seriously doubt there were “reports”. If so, reports from whom, Benson? Did he make a list with pros and cons and send it Kinko’s to get it laminated and bound and distributed to the AP? No, no he didn’t.

In 2005 Benson may have also considered moving the Saints to Los Angeles; the second biggest market in the country and former home of the Rams and Raiders.

Benson may have had other destinations besides San Antonio. In 2005 the Saints owner supposedly considered moving the team to Los Angeles, another city without an NFL team.

Los Angeles has been a prospective destination for Benson’s Saints in the past. According to rumors, Los Angeles, the second biggest market in the country, may have been in the running for the Saints new home in 2005.

Instead, Pete sadly wrote: “In addition to San Antonio, there were reports in 2005 that Benson was thinking of moving the Saints to Los Angeles, the second-biggest market in the country — and one that’s without a pro football team.“

We also know there was an earthquake in LA about six weeks ago, a reminder that if sports franchises were awarded on criteria that included immunity from natural disasters, we wouldn’t have many teams to follow.

Unnecessary. Stupid. Point.

And a reminder that if the Fort Worth Star Telegram published columns on the criteria that included they make some kind of sense, we wouldn’t have many pieces to read.

Earthquakes can affect teams in California; tornadoes are a fact of life in Texas and the Midwest; and the Florida Gulf Coast and the Eastern Seaboard are vulnerable to hurricanes. But raise your hand if you think the Dolphins would leave Miami or the Panthers check out of Charlotte if Ike or some other hurricane struck there.

Is Pete suggesting some kind of bias attached to the citizens of New Orleans? I am confused as to the implication there. Is Pete suggesting Saints fans are less loyal to their team? Is this an attack on the community of New Orleans or Miami or Charlotte?

But even though New Orleans has been in the NFL since 1967, it feels like we’re always looking in the rearview mirror for the Mayflower moving vans.

I can explain this: they stink. Do you know how I know the Saints won’t win the Superbowl this year? Because they’re the Saints.

Who is always looking in the rearview mirror for Mayflower moving vans? What does that even mean? Why the rearview mirror? Are the Mayflower trucks chasing you? I think the Florida Marlins are a better candidate to move from Miami than the Saints are a candidate to move from New Orleans.

At least Pete isn’t speculating on how relocation from the storm-ravaged city by the Saint would be a Public Relations Nightmare; especially one motivated by money, because that isn’t happening.

Sure, it would be a public relations nightmare for the NFL office to endorse a move as the city continues its recovery, but pro football is a business and the bottom line is making money. Can Benson make money in a storm-ravaged city?

Shame on you NFL and Benson for Pete imagining you might be considering something you’re not considering. How dare you?

You know he’s just dying to go on a socialist rant about evil sports franchises making a profit but he’s already on the FBI watch list as a communist agitator and on the FAA’s no-fly list.

Also: sure it would be a PR nightmare should the NFL endorse a move from New Orleans IF anyone was considering moving. But since they aren’t, it’s not. End of story.

For one afternoon, however, the resilient fans basked in a different kind of breeze, as Drew Brees passed for three touchdowns, among them the game-winning 42-yarder to Reggie Bush midway through the fourth quarter.

Let me try, see what you think:

In the spirit of Mardi Gras, no stranger to female nudity, Saints fans gawked at a different kind of bush flash, as Reggie Bush scored the game winning TD on a 42 yard pass from Drew Brees.

I like mine better. Vagina.

According to the Associated Press, fans tailgated before the game even though debris and toppled fences lay nearby.

The AP could not confirm if the debris and toppled fences were due to weather damage or just the usual random garbage that populates New Orleans. Hiiiyyyooo!

“Coming off a week where everyone was displaced from their homes here in New Orleans, and coming back and obviously having the fans back in full force — it was awesome,” Brees said after the game.

And now they hold their breath and hope that they and their team don’t have to leave again.
PETE ALFANO, 817-390-7985

What an ending. Try and wrap your head around this. No one, I mean no one, is speculating that the Saints are permanently leaving New Orleans. But only after he, Pete Alfano proposed something that isn’t happening, he, Pete Alfano, then chose to scold the Saints and the NFL for his, Pete Alfano’s own speculation, then makes a passionate summation closing with the statement that New Orleans holds out against hope that his, Pete Alfano’s made up scenario doesn’t come true.

Think about that for a minute.

I’ve seen Pete misstate facts and blatantly make up facts to support a point, but I don’t think I’ve ever read anyone propose something out of no where and then criticize others for something he made up.

Way to fail to achieve an air of condescension based on the arrogance gleaned from holding yourself above others for something you imagined. You may be a genius.

Probably not.

As Labor Day is on a Monday, who better to pen an unfortunate piece, reporting old news regarding the LPGA and that special brand of Pete Alfano “humor” we’ve all come to love on this site. Also, watch Pete invalidate his article about a third of the way though. Enjoy.

I realize this has nothing to do with baseball, but hey, Pete just “teed it up” for me.

Get it?

Hello?

Anyone?

In plain English, LPGA triple-bogeyed this one

Annyong ha shimnikka.

In case you’re wondering, that’s not a typo or a sign that the Monday Morning Quarterback was out late partying Sunday night.

I’ve always assumed every MMQB piece is written in a state of extreme intoxication or after severe cranial trauma.

It’s actually hello in Korean, at least the translation using the Roman alphabet instead of Korean characters. We’re mentioning it because of the fuss caused last week by the LPGA Tour, which issued a “speak it or leave it” order to the non- English-speaking players on the Tour.

Oh, goodie

By the way, if you have been around athletes as much as the MMQB, this directive can be issued to many athletes who grew up in this country as well.

Ah, the trademark condescending elitist racism Pete Alfano is known for on this site.

Now, we’re not going to get into the politics involved here;

By “politics” he means “bitter communist rant”

it is understandable that with so many young Korean women excelling in golf, the ability to promote and market the sport is restricted when the players don’t speak English.

Yep, women golfers who don’t speak English is exactly what’s standing in the way of the LPGA becoming America’s national pastime.

This is not like Yao Ming playing for the Houston Rockets or Ichiro playing for the Seattle Mariners because they have teammates, many of whom speak a version of English. And the word is that Ichiro speaks English a lot better than he lets on.

It’s not like the LPGA because people actually care about the NBA and Major League Baseball.

These women are independent contractors and as such, represent themselves. Not being able to speak English certainly has an impact on the women’s tour, which is struggling for any attention it can get.

Women golfers could be fluent in English, Spanish, Sign Language and Sanskrit; no one is going to care about the LPGA.

The problem is that this very public way of making the women comply — pass an oral exam or face suspension — won’t earn anyone in the LPGA hierarchy an ambassadorship in the next president’s administration.

McCain and Obama were both heatedly vying for the LPGA hierarchy to head their respective diplomatic core. Now they’ll probably have to settle for someone with actual foreign relations experience.

Who knows? Maybe the LPGA did ask nicely and was rebuffed. But it is looking very insensitive, and unless you subscribe to the theory that any publicity is good publicity, we bet the LPGA can hardly wait for the NFL season and Ryder Cup matches to begin.

Because those events are actually worth watching.

The MMQB, however, is going to provide a public service for Korean and other international players in anticipation of these young women learning English. There are some phrases and clichés we hope never to hear from them:

Keep in mind, this written by a man who is a walking cliché of a hacky, under informed sports writer.

I am happy to set a new course record. Have you ever heard of anyone setting an old record? Sportscasters and athletes alike drive us crazy with this particular phrase. The MMQB could supplement his fast-fading 401K if he had a dollar for every time an Olympic host or reporter in Beijing talked about “new records.”

Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the black box?

Does anyone else imagine Pete, while writing a ostensible piece to educate young female Korean golfers on how to speak English properly, constructed the sentence “I am happy to set a new course record” in a stereotypically offensive Asian accent? Kind of insensitive, no? What’s up next; “Herro, yu have dishonored my famiry by insurting my camera.”

I am in control of my own destiny. Actually, you’re not. According to Webster’s Dictionary, destiny is “a predetermined course of events,” which means you’re not in control. We could buy the Chicago Cubs if we had a dollar for all the times athletes and sportscasters use this one.

Can the next one be that by referring to yourself in the plural third person makes you sound like a self-important pompous windbag?* No? Just obvious tired jokes taking figurative sayings literally? Ok, whatcha got?

He (or she) is the best player never to have won a major. When did this become an official statistic in golf? I don’t see it anywhere in the PGA Tour or LPGA Tour record book. We can envision players in passionate debates over who really should be No. 1 for this dubious distinction. They can even get the BCS involved.

Ovaltine: The jar is round, the glass is round. Why don’t they call it “Round-tine?”

That’s a very makeable putt. Who says? A commentator with a 15 handicap? A golfer who is in the booth because he or she could never make enough of those makeable putts? If it’s on the lip, it’s a makeable putt. The rest is a crapshoot.

Who are you to criticize professional golf commentators when you, Pete Alfano, have never professionally commentated on golf?

Congratulations, you just undermined your whole column.

That was a beautiful golf shot. Duh. We’re not playing badminton. This particular cliché is used in every sport and has a number of derivatives such as, “We’re a good football team.” How the Cowboys would fare on a basketball court is another matter.

I find it ironic that Pete has a problem with redundant or unnecessary wordings.

Also: “Duh” = Top notch journalism.

There’s a logjam atop the leader board. Can’t we just say how many players are tied for the lead or are a couple of shots behind? This cliché is appropriate only on one of those log-rolling competitions seen on ESPN Gazillion.

I don’t know about log-rolling competitions. lets see what Wikipedia has to say:

Logrolling, or birling, is a sport that originated in the lumberjack tradition of the northeastern United States and Canada, involving logs in a river (traditionally) or other body of water. After bringing their logs downriver, the lumberjacks would have a competition to see who could balance on a log the longest while it is still rolling in the river.

The contest involves two lumberjacks, each on one end of a log floating in the river. One or the other starts “walking” (or “rolling”) the log, and the other is forced to keep up. The contest involves attempting to stay on the log while attempting to cause the competitor to lose their balance and splash into the water.

So from what I gather, lumberjacks compete simultaneously, meaning this “cliché” is not appropriate in “those log-rolling competitions seen on ESPN Gazillion.”

He, or she, has to get up and down in two. Up and down from where? The golf cart? Even in English, this doesn’t make sense.

(Sighs)

…..

…..

This is terrible. The only thing more puzzling than the existence of this pointless article is why someone would spend their Labor Day analyzing it.

That ball’s wet. Oh, you mean it was hit into the water. Sometimes, it’s “that ball found water.” Not really; the golfer hit the ball and it landed in the water. A golf ball really can’t find anything.

Crap, well I guess I wasted my time organizing my coalition for golf ball rights. I like how the “cliché” he refers to is not the subject of his criticism.

It’s pin high. Can you be pin low? Pin off to the side? Is this some veiled reference to performance-enhancing drugs?

And there’s your steroid “joke” for the week.

Come to think of it, maybe everyone in sports needs to enroll in these English-speaking classes; we writers as well.

Just one writer, just one.

Sources: www.dictionary.reference.com; www.sportscliche.com
PETE ALFANO, 817-390-7985

There you have it. At least he made some attempt at research and citing his sources. One of those sources is the dictionary but I’ll take what I can get.

*This statement does not apply to Rickey Henderson: the only man who has mastered the art of speaking in third person plurals.

Monday Morning Quarterback: U.S. redeems itself on, off court

Don’t worry, as always Pete’s title has nothing to do with this piece.

With the football season fast-approaching, the Monday Morning Quarterback is practicing a hurry-up drill:

Pete’s inner monologue (also in third person plural form): Alright guys, two minute warning, from now on, no huddle. We’re in good field position as this piece will be completely unrelated to the title, should really throw off the reader. First a non-point based and backed up by nothing, make sure we get out of bounds and stop the paragraph before any coherent point. Then we’re going to thinly mask our communist ideology with a Soviet lament but screen it with an obvious statement. Then we slam an NFL legend all the while using sentence structure that reads like it was written in another language and translated by Babelfish. Then we feebly try and bash the Rangers but since we don’t ever watch baseball, we’ll just wet ourselves before ending with something about NASCAR. On two, ready? Break!

Redeem team wins gold
Redemption, in this case, may have more to do with the image of NBA players than their performance on a basketball court.

Now that the Olympics are over, Ron Artest is clearly a better human being contributing to society in a positive way. Later, I’m going to let Latrell Sprewell housesit for me, while I’m at a marriage retreat weekend hosted by Jason Kidd and Kobe Bryant.

The U.S. team was considered arrogant, aloof and boorish in Athens during the 2004 Olympics, and their play reflected it.

Pete Alfano is considered arrogant, aloof and boorish and his writing reflects it.

But LeBron James, Kobe Bryant and company were not only great teammates to one another in Beijing, but they shared Team U.S.A.’s camaraderie as well.

I don’t know what that means. They shared team USA’s camaraderie? How were they great teammates? Since the title of this is: “U.S. redeems itself on, off court” does Pete have some insight into their relationship in the clubhouse? This might be interesting…

As for having a difficult time with Spain in the final, well, with more international players coming to the NBA, winning the gold in the future will not be getting any easier.

Oh, a non-point, I should have known.

U.S. wins most medals; China has more gold
Those who come from the Vince Lombardi school will no doubt say that winning is the only thing and silver and bronze are just like parting gifts for game show contestants.

Because in the Olympics, you are either going to win the gold, silver or bronze medals, there is no other alternative, like say not medaling. Football is kinda like that; I remember when the Cowboys won the Bronze medal after the Icebowl.

But keep this in mind: If the old Soviet Union were reunited (as Russia apparently tried to initiate with its invasion of Georgia), it would have won more total medals than either the Americans or Chinese.

Uh…..hhmmmm….Kay, Pete delving into global geopolitics is like handing a chimpanzee a revolver. Why would we need to keep that in mind? Since I’ve established many times on this site that Pete is a Communist subversive, lets see where this goes.

Like in everything else, the world is catching up and the U.S. might have to revise its expectations going into future Olympics. We’re not always going to have a Michael Phelps around to win eight gold medals alone.

I assume the point of that whole thing was Pete reminiscing about his precious Soviet-communist utopia. I really hope so, because it would be very scary if a major newspaper devoted a paragraph to tell us, “We’re not always going to have a Michael Phelps around to win eight gold medals alone.”

Shawne Merriman has “career-threatening” knee injury
The amazing thing about this revelation is that Merriman — an all-pro linebacker for the San Diego Chargers — hasn’t had surgery yet for two separate ligament injuries that he says could end his career. That was the evaluation of two medical specialists who are not employed the Chargers, whose coach Norv Turner still holds out hope that team physicians can stabilize the knee so that Merriman can play this season.

Poorly constructed sentences are an Alfano Staple. I know, but stay with me here, this next one’s a doozy.

This may be the greatest failing of Gene Upshaw, a Hall of Fame offensive lineman and executive director of the NFLPA, who died this week of pancreatic cancer.

Gene Upshaw’s greatest failing = The revelation is that Merriman hasn’t had surgery yet for two separate ligament injuries that he says could end his career

Don’t think about that too long or you’ll go mad.

Upshaw helped players earn 60 percent of revenues and watched the salary cap climb to $116 million, but pro football is a brutal sport and next to auto racing, the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

…the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

…the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

…the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

Players do not have guaranteed contracts because of the high injury rate, negotiating instead for lucrative up-front bonus money. Retired players complain they have been forgotten by Upshaw and the union, and current players face tremendous pressure to play when hurt. And sometimes, that calls into question the ethics of team doctors. The NFL would do well to establish its own medical team of physicians and surgeons and have them evaluate all player injuries.

I don’t know about an NFL team of physicians but I do know that …the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

Texas Rangers dropping like a rock
Wild-card aspirations seem so misguided now because they were based on the Rangers mashing their way to the postseason.

Yeah, well shit happens.

They are the Texas Tech of Major League Baseball, but even Tech is supposed to have a good defense this season.

Kiss my ass, douchebag. Look, I am a Texas Tech Alumni so maybe I’m a little over sensitive here, but this is just stupid. Texas Tech has been bowl eligible every season since the inception of the Big 12. That’s twelve years in a row. For those of you unfamiliar with the workings of college football, that means a winning record every year with twelve consecutive winning seasons. The Red Raiders rank fifth nationally in consecutive winning seasons, trailing only Florida State (30), Michigan (22), Florida (19), and Virginia Tech (14). In that time, the Rangers have had only two consecutive winning seasons. But if I have to participate in this stupid comparison up, I’d label them as more of the Texas Aggies of Major League Baseball, i.e. powerhouse in the 90′s, poor shape today.

And, yes, I realize he was making a “joke” about the Red Raiders high octane offense and the Rangers offensive production but since I doubt Pete’s ever watched a Tech game, he can go eff himself. Lots of teams run the spread offense; it isn’t a novelty anymore. Anyone would compare a college football program to a Major League Baseball team deserves public mockery.

Look at the rise of the Tampa Bay Rays; it has been built on pitching, sound defense and timely hitting.

As opposed to the rise of the Chicago Cubs which was built on pitching underhand, grounding into double plays and fielding without a glove. Last year’s Red Sox team was built on fresh breath, clean uniforms and timely three-point jumpers. Remember when the Marlins won the series based on keeping their dugout neat and using proper tackling techniques? I once heard a theory that the team that scores the most runs wins but I heard it was unprovable. Go figure.

And it’s not that the Rangers don’t recognize good pitching prospects — Edinson Volquez (15-5), John Danks (10-6) and Armando Galarraga (12-4) — have combined for 37 victories in 2008. And only Danks (Chicago White Sox) is pitching for a team with a shot at the playoffs.

What does that have to do with…wait, no…still doesn’t make any sense. Is it Galarraga and Volquez’ fault their teams aren’t in contention? But you already said they were good pitching prospects. Is Pete actually going to discuss why a pitcher’s win-loss record is misleading, lets see…

At times it seems like Nolan Ryan is the only Ranger who hasn’t started a game this season. Insert your own punch line.

Oh, another “joke.” That “joke” was the literary equivelent of a fart, so thanks for that.

Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch do the “Bristol bump”
Rivalries and controversy are great for auto racing, although we would stop short of the cheating done by the Joe Gibbs racing team. But while there is nothing wrong with drivers confronting one another after a race, jawing, shoving, even punching or yanking on one another’s helmet, we’d rather not see them play bumper cars after crossing the finish line. That was what Edwards and Busch did in Bristol, Tenn., Saturday night when Edwards bumped Busch and went on to win the race, moving a closer second to Busch in the points race with only two more races before the Chase begins. Busch bumped Edwards to let him know how he felt, and Edwards returned the favor. Hey, guys, learn from Indy-car driver Danica Patrick, who gets in the other driver’s face.

And so in summation, Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch bumping each other after crossing the finish line is the quintessential moment that the U.S. redeems itself on, off court. Thank you!

I’ve prepared my response in open letter form:

Mr. Alfano, what you’ve just written is the most insanely idiotic thing I’ve ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent article did you approach anything that could be considered a rational thought. Every reader is now dumber for having read it. I award you nothing, and my God have mercy on your soul.

Replacing Brett Favre a tough task and Green Bay Packers making it worse

I love a title written in broken English.

Hey, Pete got a new picture, I think he needs a haircut, what do you think:

…….Before….and….After

You’re an attractive man Pete, don’t think I haven’t noticed

So, all you need to know about Aaron Rodgers’ future in Green Bay can be neatly summarized by this quote: “He followed a legend, and how do you do that? It’s so unfair.”

That is all you need to know based on the above unqualified quote. Using “so” to start a sentence, especially the opening sentence, exemplifies the extraordinary literary incompetence that defines Pete Alfano.

No, that isn’t a Packers teammate describing Rodgers’ daunting task of replacing Brett Favre. It was a comment made by Kansas City Chiefs offensive coordinator Paul Hackett about Steve Young in an interview with the Sporting News in 1994.

Seriously man, you are going to open with a 14 year old quote that was completely wrong, uttered by a man comparing Young to his quarterback to illustrate whatever non-point you’ve come up with? Good work!

I know when I think about Super Bowl XXIX MVP and Hall of Famer, two time league MVP and seven time All-Pro, the adjective I would use to summarize his career is “unfair.”

The San Francisco 49ers had decided a year earlier that it was time for Joe Montana — four Super Bowl rings and title of greatest quarterback ever notwithstanding — to move on.

If the Packers knew Rodgers would be as good as Steve Young, the Packers would have cut Favre yesterday.

Young had taken over in 1991, while Montana was injured, and then, in ’93, the 49ers traded Montana to Kansas City, where he continued to shine.

For two years.

In the weaker AFC.

Meanwhile, Young sucked ass in San Francisco only winning the NFC West in 1992, 93, 94, 95 and 97 and a Superbowl of which he was MVP.

And, while Young was in the process of forging a Hall of Fame career of his own, including a Super Bowl victory, he was never fully embraced by Bay Area fans, who worshipped Montana.

From the same Sporting News piece: “This is the way it is for Young in San Francisco. When he wins, as he did two Mondays ago in the 49ers’ 44-14 victory over the Raiders, he walks off the field to resounding cheers. They love him.”

So winning is what really matters, no?

I don’t know that Young was never embraced. I knew a lot of Niner fans in the 90’s and I never met one that disliked Steve Young. I know that is anecdotal; but since Pete bases his opinion on nothing, why not?

The Sporting News story recounted how a billboard on the highway between old Candlestick Park and the 49ers’ practice facility in Santa Clara, Calif., encouraged fans to read the local paper to see who the Chiefs were playing that Sunday.

I wish there really was a billboard worded: “read the local paper to see who the Chiefs [are] playing that Sunday.” However, since that is a horrendously constructed sentence, I am going to assume Pete is paraphrasing here. Though I do remember reading how Bill Walsh elected to implement his west coast offense after passing a roadside billboard that read: “Throw to receivers pass good, running game fewer.”

According to the Sporting News piece I assume Pete is referring, the sign really read:
“Who’s K.C. Playing This Week? Better Check the San Jose Mercury News.”

If there is one way to dictate how you run your football franchise, it’s the ad campaign of the San Jose Mercury News.

The story said that there were more fans wearing Montana jerseys than Young jerseys at 49ers games well after Montana was gone.

Before the whole dog fighting thing, Michael Vick was a top jersey seller. Want him on your team? Anyway, here are the top sellers from 2007 since that is such an important factor in determining your franchise quarterback:

1. RB LaDainian Tomlinson (Chargers)
2. RB Reggie Bush (Saints)
3. Brian Urlacher (Bears)
4. Peyton Manning (Colts)
5. Brett Favre (Packers)
6. Tom Brady (Patriots)
7. Troy Polamalu (Steelers)
8. Vince Young (Titans)
9. Adrian Peterson (Vikings)
10. Randy Moss (Patriots)

Brent Jones, the tight end who had been one of Montana’s favorite targets, told the Sporting News, “There’s never going to be another Joe, and Steve knows that.”

Jones then added, “And I mean never. I hope his kids read this and realize their father is an utter failure. I [expletive] hate Mormons!” OK, I made that part up, but I would like to point out the quote is from the same freaking article.

What this means is that the Favre-Packers soap opera is only delaying the inevitable.

Which is?

It really doesn’t matter whether the Packers continued to welcome Favre back with open arms — even given his penchant for playing Hamlet during the off-season — or trade him so that the Rodgers era can begin.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to make a point here, my bad.

In fact, it doesn’t matter who ultimately replaces Favre because Cheese Heads are going to pine for No. 4 whether he is wearing another team’s jersey or fishing in Mississippi.

Factors on whether a franchise is successful:

1. Cheese Heads pining for No. 4
2. Ratio of ex-active players to active players jersey’s worn in stadium
3. Win-loss record

Ever hear of Richard Todd? He was a quarterback at Alabama who was drafted by the New York Jets in 1976 to succeed Joe Namath, another ’Bama quarterback in the gimpy twilight of his career. Todd had a decent 10-year career, but he was no Broadway Joe.

This might be the most pointless Alfano piece I’ve ever read. So what, it wasn’t like Namath would have played until 1986. Besides that, Namath probably shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame based on his numbers and one lucky Superbowl. Honestly, what’s the point?

How many lemons — among them Cleo Lemon — have the Miami Dolphins had at quarterback trying to succeed Dan Marino?

Hiiiiighoooooo!…

*sad trombone sound*

Do you think Jake Cutler is having an easy time making people forget John Elway in Denver?

Whoever Jake Cutler is, he hasn’t made me forget John Elway at all. In fact I had to google Jake Cutler and found out he is a high school junior that plays running back/linebacker for the Pana Panthers of Pana, IL. I really don’t see how he would hope to make people forget Elway since he’s only in high school, doesn’t play quarterback and isn’t even in Colorado.

If Pete is referring to Jay Christopher Cutler who is currently playing for Denver, it’s a lot easier than if Elway was playing in the NFL. Regardless, I haven’t heard of any “Bring Back Elway” movements in the Rockies.

And Tony Romo should give thanks every day for “Q,” a couple of guys named Drew, and Chad and Vinny — quarterbacks that Cowboy fans will never confuse with Troy Aikman. But they did form a bridge that has made it possible for Romo to be judged mostly on his own merits.

Or was it that Romo won? Hmmmm, that’s a toughy…

If Rodgers has a bridge, he may seriously think about jumping off it.

Oh Pete, you actually broke your metaphor.

He is entering the fourth year of a five-year contract that he signed when the Packers drafted him out of Cal in 2005. He has had the benefit of being tutored by one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history, but that’s his curse, too.

Pete is going to state the obvious and ask some questions now. Anybody watch Generation Kill? It’s pretty good so far.

That’s why the Packers have been foolish to play hardball with Favre. They know as well as anyone that he gives them the best chance of making another run at the Super Bowl. They also don’t have to be reminded that they have a championship caliber team with three quarterbacks — Rodgers and rookies Brian Brohm and Matt Flynn — who have never started an NFL game.

David Simon is greatness, I loved the Wire.

How is it going to look if Favre continues to excel this season somewhere else while the kids all struggle?

I think the Humvee driver is the same guy from The Wire season 2. As the great warrior poet Ice Cube wrote, “A day which does not require an AK…is good.”

But perhaps the Packers are also figuring that continuing to cater to Favre’s whims means that, in a couple of years, they probably won’t have him or Rodgers.

Probably won’t have both Favre and Rodgers? “Probably” is the adverb you chose there instead of, I don’t know, definitely or certainly.

The reality is that is probably going to happen anyway.
PETE ALFANO, 817-390-7985

That is poor writing and bare minimum research at its finest.

So allow me to summarize this piece for you (that is if you’re still reading this) to a shorter version:
Aaron Rodgers is doomed in Green Bay no matter how good he is because even though it worked out for Steve Young in SF, it didn’t for Jake Cutler in Pana and Cleo Lemon in Miami but it doesn’t matter anyway because, man, who knows…

He could have done us a favor and just reprinted the Sporting News article.

Our old friend Pete Alfano sat on his keyboard and produced another turd. This one features more than the usual latent racism.

More importantly Pete, as usual, passes off jamming unrelated sporting events together to make a non-point while grasping at straws to prove the two are related and calls it a column. Enjoy:

Despite pro sports’ efforts, the gang’s all here

… In other news from the NFL

…That’s an odd byline…

This may surprise you, but as training camps open for the start of the 2008 season, it’s not all about Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers, who are making the Christie Brinkley-Peter Cook split look downright amicable.

Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook both played for the Packers. Wait no, they didn’t. But Pete’s heard of Christie Brinkley and so have you! This common awareness becomes the basis for comedy…

If you’ve ever seen a trailer for one of those stupid parody movies like Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie, and Date Movie and ask “what kind of moron watches that crap?” Your answer is Pete Alfano.

And really the only excuse to mention a random celebrity is if they are hot and you are doing so to post a picture of said hottie. Like so:

In case you haven’t heard, the NFL police are scouring game tapes looking for possible gang signs that some players may have flashed to their “homies” when the camera was on them.

I imagine when Pete is talking about a group of black people he refers to them as ‘homies” while making air quotes.

Now, if we were commissioner Roger Goodell, we’d enlist Bill Belichick and his Patriots staff to lead the investigation instead of the league’s security detail. Who better to intercept signs?

HIIIOOOOHHHHH! Man, no one writes a tired obvious joke like Pete, baby!

I know I’ve beat this into the ground but why the constant use of “we?” Especially when stating your opinion. Using “we” seems, I don’t know, gutless, no? Can’t you stand behind your own opinion?

Cheap shot aside, this latest controversy arose after the NBA fined Paul Pierce of the champion Boston Celtics for making “menacing gestures” at the Atlanta Hawks’ bench during the first round of the basketball playoffs. Pierce, the captain of the newly crowned champions, apologized for his actions being “misinterpreted.”

Egad man, call him a gang banger if that’s what you’re inferring.

The NBA is very sensitive to what can be perceived as gang-like behavior, which is the only way you can interpret that dress code implemented by commissioner David Stern at the start of the 2006-07 season. Given that arenas are populated by mostly white fans, and an image problem might scare away corporate sponsors, gangsta-wear became decidedly unfashionable with Stern, who took this preemptive strike.

I guess what Atticus Finch is trying to express here is that “the darkies” scare him.

Of course, a referee who bets on numerous games, including ones that he officiated, is dismissed by the commissioner as a renegade, acting alone and not part of a possible larger scandal.

Ah, the bitterness of Pete Alfano. I’ve missed it. It’s not his bread-and-butter steroid rhetoric but damn close.

The NFL has its own history of keeping players in line, and it doesn’t discriminate by race. Pro football might as well be a branch of the armed forces, given the rules about how a player must wear his uniform, and what kind of ball cap he can wear on the sidelines. And we all know that the NFL became the No Fun League when it curbed the enthusiasm of players celebrating touchdowns, sacks, interceptions or even a 5-yard gain.

Again with the constant use of “we.” He’s like a bad hypnotist. He just plugs “we” as if it will make you think you agree with his nonsense and distract you from the fact that HE HAS NO POINT.

Because a large majority of players in pro football and basketball are black, there is an opinion that the leagues are overreacting to a cultural divide between the races. The Monday Morning Quarterback remembers covering pro basketball in the rebellious 1970s when many white players dressed sloppily in jeans, T-shirts and sweatshirts.

Wait, whoops…don’t like my race-baiting rant? Well..um…see, I’ve had black people at my house!

Now, take a look at major league baseball — where whites are the majority — and no two players appear to wear their uniform the same way. Is it simply that baseball allows more freedom of expression?

You make no sense.

You make no sense.

You make no sense.

You make no sense.

That has nothing to do with anything. Are you suggesting that when Carlos Delgado alternates between his pants to his ankles and pants to his knees it indicates him joining/leaving a gang? You are an idiot. Seriously man, does anyone read this crap before you publish it in the freaking newspaper?

In fairness to the NFL, there are valid reasons to look into the so-called gang-related behavior. Darrent Williams of the Denver Broncos was fatally shot while riding in a limo last year; Sean Taylor of the Washington Redskins was shot to death by an intruder in his Miami home, also last year; and Marvin Harrison of the Indianapolis Colts raised eyebrows during this off-season when his gun was used in a shooting outside his Philadelphia bar.

You’ve already established yourself as a racist; you might as well go the distance and accuse someone of something. Maybe your reader might respect your bravado. At least you’d be a bold racist.

Harrison had gotten into an argument inside the bar, and while he has not been charged with any crime, police are investigating.

But Pete is willing to convict right now…

We don’t have to go into detail about Adam (don’t call me Pacman) Jones of the Cowboys, who has been involved in multiple police investigations, resulting in a yearlong suspension. Jones and the Cowboys are hoping Goodell will soon reinstate him.

What does that have to do with gang affiliation? Was Pacman shooting up a strip club gang related? What the eff are you talking about?

Some of you may even remember when the ominous black and silver colors of the Oakland-Los Angeles-Oakland Raiders were associated with gang fashion. The trouble is gangs — from West Side Story to The Sopranos — are not only part of American culture, but often romanticized.

But not by Pete, he’s above such things…

And there isn’t any sports league that can legislate them out of existence.
Pete Alfano, 817-390-7985

Well you’ve made no case for baseball having a gang affiliation other than baseball pant legs and preference in jersey size. You’ve also failed to address the NHL. Making a broad generalization about “sports” leagues after insinuating gang involvement but not having the stones to actually accuse anyone does not drive any point anywhere. You get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!

The more I think about this, there is no way these can be this awful. I think Pete is sharing state secrets with a foriegn government coded in these ramblings, like every Madonna referrence is a launch code. That is the only possible explanation. Here’s a picture of Megan Fox

I would be the lamest superhero ever.

If I was a superhero, I my arch enemy would be Pete Alfano. He would be known as the Driveler. In my ongoing battle against baseball ignorance I sent an email to the Driveler. If you are a new reader to this site, Pete has made numerous erroneous claims starting with the first Driveler article I happened across in which Pete falsely stated the Mets are over the luxury tax threshold. Why he can’t do even the slightest bit of research is beyond me.

Last week Pete claimed “Some baseball players wear batting helmets in the field as protection from objects being tossed from the stands.” As my duty to you, the baseball fan, I gave Pete his due public mockery:

What? Do you watch any baseball? Who wears a batting helmet in the field? First and third base coaches have to wear helmets now so they don’t get hit in the head with foul balls. John Olerud wore a batting helmet in the field but he retired in 2005, and again, to protect against baseballs. Pete would try and have us believe that fans throwing things at players is so rampant that “some players” are wearing them in the field. Either Pete is:
A. Lazy and assumes that his readers are too ignorant to know better.
B. A compulsive liar
C. Ignorant about Major League Baseball
D. A crazy man

If Pete wanted to write this story he should have cited the firstbase umpire or the firstbase coach attacked by fans on separate occasions in Chicago or the obsessed Stefi Graf fan who attacked Monica Seles. Those fans were not representative of the average fan, but a better argument than just making something up. If you were going to write a story about unruly fans you shouldn’t have started it off writing about two lesbians kissing.

I felt that this was not a sufficient response to manufacturing blatantly false claims to support a bad argument. As a public service, I sent the following email to Pete Alfano of the Fort Worth Star Telegram:

[Note: Pete’s/The Driveler’s emails are in bold, my emails are in italics.]

Could I please see your list of players when you claimed that “Some baseball players wear batting helmets in the field as protection from objects being tossed from the stands.” I watch a lot of baseball and I haven’t seen one guy wear one. Yet I know it must be true that players are wearing batting helmets in the field. In fact, I know it is true because it was in the newspaper.

Do you even watch baseball?

I did not get a response for several days, until this morning:

Watched baseball for 40 years, the first game I ever covered Bob Moose no-hit the Mets in 1969 and you obviously don’t follow the sport very much. By the way, John Olerud comes to mind. He wore one playing first for the Mets, in fact. And players from time to time have worn them on the field when crowds have gotten a little too hostile.

Pete Alfano

Of course, this was not where it ended, I could not, as the guardian of Baseball truth let this pass. I sent the following:

Olerud retired in 2005. Olerud wore the helmet because of a medical condition, not to protect himself from fans throwing things at him from the stands. John Olerud used to ride the subway to Shea so I really don’t think he was afraid of being attacked by any fans so that claim goes out the window. Remember you wrote: “Some baseball players wear batting helmets in the field as protection from objects being tossed from the stands.” So you are not the person in position to claim I don’t follow baseball very much. I watch every Mets game and other teams but don’t obviously watch every single game. If there is a player on the Royals, a team I don’t watch often for example, please name them. However, I am not the guy who made the claim.

PS you also claimed the Mets were over the luxury tax threshold, which they are not.

And I received the following response:

Dan
I am from New York, attended the first Mets game at Shea (cut high school class) and went to the Polo Grounds on occasion during the 1962 and 63 seasons. I am an old Brooklyn Dodger fan who adopted the Mets and grew up not much caring for the Yankees. Worked in New York for many years with Newsday and New York Times. Was at UPI when I was assigned to cover the Mets on a saturday afternoon when Moose no-hit them. the mets had lost a twi0-night doubleheader the night before, but undeterred that year, they swept the Pirates in another doubleheader on Sunday.

Pete

So there you have it, folks. I think he is asking for mercy by claiming a Mets allegiance. I have not sent another email. But don’t breathe easy yet. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of…The Driveler!

Tune in next Monday, Same lame site, Same lame topic!

I really don’t know why I keep doing this but the man who claimed “Some baseball players wear batting helmets in the field as protection from objects being tossed from the stands” deserves public mockery. Pete did not issue a retraction nor did Pete respond to my email request for a list of players who wear batting helmets in the field for protection. This week’s Monday Morning Quarterback isn’t about baseball. It also doesn’t have any references to pop-culture events that happened 5 years ago, Madonna “jokes”, incorrect facts or Communist rants about how evil sports franchises make money. It does contain pretentiousness, steroid contempt, contempt for sports fans and faulty logic so I am going to ridicule this incompetent “sportswriter” yet again.

Will all apologies to Fire Joe Morgan, funnier and better than me, blah, blah, blah, we have:

The greatest athletes who lost this weekend

That is really the title; I’m not making that up.

By PETE ALFANO
STAR-TELEGRAM STAFF WRITER

I can’t believe he has the nerve to put his name on these pieces of garbage. I also like how he writes “STAR-TELEGRAM STAFF WRITER” after his name. It’s like he knows no one would believe he gets paid for writing these pointless articles.

The weekend that might have been in sports might have been disappointing but at least spared us the self-indulgent exercise of assigning an athlete — human or equine — a place in history.

Wow, that is an awkwardly written sentence. I don’t care how many words he had to look up in the dictionary, it is a clumsy contrivance. He used “might” twice in the same sentence. What an opening salvo. Doesn’t an athlete earn a place in history? If not, I would like to assign Shannen Doherty a place in baseball history because she’s hot. I heard she plays secondbase.

It’s what happens when you live in an ESPN “Instant Classic” world.

Oh, Pete, is this another pompous condescending assault on your readers or sports fans in general? Why bother? We all know the disdain and contempt you have for “John Q. Sportsfan.”

It seems as if no one can just sit back and enjoy an athletic achievement nowadays without trying to determine where it ranks. Even before Big Brown showed more horse sense than his handlers and decided during the race that given a cracked hoof, no steroids and a 90-degree day in New York, he’d rather not run in the Belmont Stakes, pundits were saying that the big 3-year-old colt was not in the class of Secretariat, Seattle Slew or Affirmed, all Triple Crown winners in the 1970s.

Shame on you pundits and fans alike who shall remain nameless and not because Pete made them up or anything, but because they are real.

I guess the “horse sense” thing was supposed to be a joke, whatever.

Well over 100,000 fans had come to Belmont Park hoping to see Big Brown become the first horse since Affirmed in 1978 to win the Triple Crown. Sports fans, and even non-fans, gathered expectantly around their TVs to watch as well, and yet, some people were already dissing the competition Big Brown had faced and speculating whether he was winning the Triple Crown by default.

Take that, “some people.” That’s what drives me nuts about Pete and his stupid column. He always makes reference to people he doesn’t identify. “Some people” is not accurately crediting your source or identifying your subject for the reader. It’s nothing.

Not to worry. You probably won’t hear Big Brown’s name mentioned among the legion of great thoroughbreds again.

I’ve got nothing…

Then, on Sunday, Roger Federer was in the final of the French Open with a chance to win his first Grand Slam event on clay and 13th Slam title, which probably would have cemented his status as the greatest player of all time.

This is one of Pete Alfano’s trademarks. His most annoying is making up facts. second is jamming two unrelated sporting events together to make a non-point while grasping at straws to prove the two are related. Which they’re not.

Hey, here’s a snobby lament about horse racing and now I am going to talk about tennis as if the two are even close to being similar sports except they happened on the same weekend. One is a man, the others a horse.

The problem is that Rafael Nadal, the clay court wunderkind from Spain, was on the other side of the net. And Federer turned in the type of big-event performance that we haven’t seen since, well, Saturday during the Belmont.

See, it’s like one never ending non-sequitur.

Nadal — an absolute dynamo on red clay — beat Federer for the third consecutive year in the French Open final. The score was 6-1, 6-3, 6-0, one of the worst final thrashings in more than 30 years. Federer didn’t quit, but he too was eased up.

“he too was eased up” doesn’t make any sense unless Pete is suggesting that Roger Federer made it to the French Open final with a jockey literally on his back, controlling his movement. I don’t watch tennis but if that’s the case, then that is impressive.

Nadal now has won the French Open four times in a row and did not lose a set in seven matches this year. It is probably fair to say that if someone — anyone — could have upset Nadal the past three years, Federer would have at least one French Open title.

It is also probably fair to say that if someone – anyone — can mash their fist on a keyboard, they can be employed as a staff writer by the Fort Worth Star Telegram.

Also, what are you talking about? If someone would have beat the guy who won, then Federer would be champ? Would it not seem likely that if there were someone better than Nadal- who beat you, that player would also beat you?

Thus, he might already have tied or surpassed Pete Sampras, who has the most Grand Slam titles, with 14.

What?

Comparing athletes from different generations is always tricky business because the playing field is constantly shifting. It used to be that track and field was a sport where you could measure the past and present because success is based on time and distance, but now you have to wonder how many records were steroid-aided.

Back to familiar ground, Pete bitching about steroids. Bring me the jaded, wacko nut job tirade, Petey boy.

And forgive the Monday Morning Quarterback for not being overwhelmed by baseball players reaching home run milestones because of the proliferation of performance-enhancing drugs in the sport for a generation.

Ah, that’s it.

Attention A-Rod, Griffey and Manny, though you’ve never been even slightly associated with PED’s other than you play baseball with other players who have used PED, Pete would like you to know, he’s NOT overwhelmed. Please forgive him.

Also, what does that have to do with tennis or horseracing?

In tennis, the consensus has been that Rod Laver deserves to be recognized as the greatest of all time because he won the Grand Slam twice and was the last to accomplish it almost 40 years ago. But the sport is much more competitive now than in Laver’s day. And, whereas three of the Slam events were played on grass back then, all four are on different surfaces now (grass, clay and two types of hard-court).

Throw in all the clay court specialists, and it seems unfair that tennis historians are a little reluctant to crown Sampras and Federer — both terrific athletes — as the best because they haven’t won the French.

So the title of this article should have been “Sampras and Federer: the co-best even though they haven’t won the French.”

I like how he shortens the French Open to just “the French” as if he’s a expert in the sport of Tennis. If you’ve ever read a Pete Alfano piece you will know that this is not the case as Pete doesn’t know anything about anything.

So, reaching the French Open final three times might not be quite good enough for Federer, who is approaching 27 and might have to hope some other clay court marvel can eliminate Nadal to clear an obstacle-free path to tennis immortality.

What? That sounds like Federer is planning a hit on Nadel. Again it is false logic to claim that if someone can beat Nadal, Federer would have a guarantee of defeating him. You would have to assume that said challenger would probably be pretty tough to beat. Repeating the same point doesn’t make it any less unsound. You are a crazy man.

No, it wasn’t quite the hyperbole-filled sports weekend we envisioned.

Pete does not know what the word hyperbole means.

Instead we are reminded of the late Jim McKay, and how he would have said that Big Brown and Roger Federer had gone from the “thrill of victory” to “the agony of defeat.”
palfano@star-telegram.com
Pete Alfano, 817-390-7985

The worst way to end a column, even this column: a tired, obvious quote that highlights absolutely nothing. Thanks for cheapening Jim McKay’s life, I hope his family isn’t reading the Fort Worth Star Telegram. I don’t think anyone is reading the Fort Worth Star Telegram.

I should probably let this untalented author pass off his lazily written, ill-planned and barely thought-out crap as legitimate sports writing for my local newspaper.

I should probably do a lot of things. This week, Pete pens a well written and thought provoking piece on homosexual relationships and their impact on social norms, vis-à-vis acceptance in American culture, citing several noted sociologists and in-depth research. Just kidding, instead, with all apologies to Fire Joe Morgan, funnier and better than mine, blah, blah, blah, here is a vacuous piece of drivel entitled:

When is a kiss just a kiss, and a fan just a fan?

When Pete poses his title as a question, you know it’s going to be terrible.

Well, here’s a subject that ought to bring out the worst in everyone.

And I’m sure it’s a subject that brings out the worst literary ineptitude in the author. I swear to God, that’s his opening sentence. Can this guy write or what?

There was an incident at Safeco Field in Seattle last week in which a fuss was raised when a fan objected to two women kissing during a Mariners game. We have to assume this show of affection had nothing to do with baseball, given how solidly entrenched the Mariners are in last place in the American League West.

HYYYYY-OOOOHHHHHHHH! ZING!

Apparently

Man, this guy needs a new crutch word

the fan –and reportedly it was a woman attending the game with her son – took offense to this same-sex kiss and alerted an usher, who told the women to stop. Now, it gets really murky at this point because some eyewitness accounts say the kiss was a liplock worthy of Madonna and Britney Spears, while others say it was simply a peck on the lips or cheek.

Ah, the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards. I come for the shaky, feebly thought out premises but stay for the references to pop culture events that are five years or older.

Isn’t he burying the lede here? Are lesbians hanging out at baseball games?

Sirbrina Guerrero, one of the women involved, has filed a discrimination complaint over the incident. A spokesperson for the Mariners – a woman, by the way- says the club is looking into the matter. Guerrero, we should mention, has been a contestant on an MTV reality series.

I really hate people that speak of themselves as “we.” I wonder how many voices they have in their head. I also hate people that speak in the third person.

So, what does this have to do with sports?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Only in that it is another example of how ballparks and arenas have become communities unto themselves, where fans have become part of the game and much of what goes on in the real world doesn’t always apply.

First off, I have no idea what “much of what goes on in the real world doesn’t always apply” means. Are ballparks subject to a different set of federal laws like Indian reservations?

And another example of how ball parks have become communities where fans have become a part of the game? Did Ichiro get thrown out stealing third with two outs because the women were kissing? Did the kissing cause Jerrod Washburn to lose the strikezone? How were they part of the game?

Also: “Another example?” Where are the first examples?

Certainly, if heterosexual or gay couples are using a public setting to make out as if it were the back seat of a car, they are crossing the line and should be given a warning, then a room.

Great job stating the obvious. Keep in mind that this is IN THE NEWSPAPER. Also, since he is now referencing settings outside the ballpark I would like to point out that he wrote “much of what goes on in the real world doesn’t always apply.” a paragraph ago.

In fact, there is a provision at Safeco Field that says people showing “displays of affection not appropriate in a family setting” can be escorted out.

That is a poorly constructed sentence. Incidentally, I googled “women kissing Safeco Field” to check up on this story (because Pete sometimes just makes shit up) and every single article was shorter and better written than this one.

But Guerrero and her friend might have a case if they were just exchanging an innocent kiss. How many stadiums around the country have “Kiss Cams” that show a couple on those big screens and encourage them to kiss? We have a suspicion the Kiss Cam has never stopped on a gay couple, male or female. Are these two women victims, or were they trying to make a point?

As opposed to you, who just asks the reader questions and, under no circumstances, ever makes any point, ever. Also: I’ve seen “Kiss Cams” stop on two men, usually wearing a rival team’s gear and sometimes they do kiss (usually it seems like a gag) but I have no idea as to their sexuality.

Would anyone have been offended if they had kissed at the base of the Space Needle?

That is not germane to anything.

To some extent, sports teams have brought this on themselves. Scoreboard messages encourage fans to cheer louder, or boo the opponent as if fans need any extra incentive. TV cameras train on young men with painted chests, young women in shorts and halter tops, and any eccentric they can find. You’ve seen them: the guy making a fool of himself dancing in the aisle, or anyone dressed for Halloween.

I seriously doubt that whether Jose Reyes turns a double play on a short hop ground ball is decided by the shot SNY got of a guy in a clown wig. There is that one time Daryl Strawberry made an error on a fly ball opening up a big inning and caused the Mets to lose a game in 1985 because of my kick-ass Darth Vader Halloween costume.

At least that exhibitionism is generally good-natured. Increasingly, however, some fans are under the impression that purchasing a ticket entitles them to say and do whatever they please. Players aren’t just booed; they’re taunted and verbally abused in a manner that shouldn’t be tolerated. Athletes might earn millions, but that doesn’t mean fans have the right to say things that might subject them to an arrest on the street.

Cry me a river, Sally. God, this is the most boring, worn out “sports” subject ever. It goes:
1. Rose in/out of the Hall of Fame
2. To Boo or not to Boo
3. To Pay/Not Pay College Athletes
4. Instant Replay in Baseball

This is like reading a self-righteous Sporting News Radio transcript. Besides that, the last time I checked, yelling profanity laced or racist taunts gets you escorted out of the stadium. It isn’t tolerated and fans don’t have the right. Your entire point is moot.

We also know too well about players going into the stands during an NBA game in Detroit in 2004 after being provoked, and fans at Giants Stadium tossing ice-encrusted snowballs at players and officials. Some baseball players wear batting helmets in the field as protection from objects being tossed from the stands.

What? Do you watch any baseball? Who wears a batting helmet in the field? First and third base coaches have to wear helmets now so they don’t get hit in the head with foul balls. John Olerud wore a batting helmet in the field but he retired in 2005, and again, to protect against baseballs. Pete would try and have us believe that fans throwing things at players is so rampant that “some players” are wearing them in the field. Either Pete is:

A. Lazy and assumes that his readers are too ignorant to know better.
B. A compulsive liar
C. Ignorant about Major League Baseball
D. A crazy man

Feel free to make stuff up though, Pete.

If Pete wanted to write this story he should have cited the firstbase umpire or the firstbase coach attacked by fans on separate occasions in Chicago or the obsessed Stefi Graf fan who attacked Monica Seles. Those fans were not representative of the average fan, but a better argument than just making something up. If you were going to write a story about unruly fans you shouldn’t have started it off writing about two lesbians kissing.

Wasn’t this article about when a fan is a fan and a kiss is a kiss?

Fans here have not stooped to such levels, but the Monday Morning Quarterback remembers going to a Rangers game with his family a few years ago and eventually requesting that our seats be changed because of an obnoxious, inebriated foursome (two men, two women) behind us.

I was, in fact, a member of that foursome. Ok, I wasn’t, but how great would it have been if I was? I have a theory that they were knowledgeable fans intelligently discussing the Rangers. When Pete overheard them using facts and stats to discuss baseball and not bitching about insignificant, asinine nonsense or bemoaning player salaries, he became offended as Pete, of course, didn’t know what BABIP, OPS, RISP, WHIP or VORP meant so he assumed thought they were drunk and obnoxious. Tell me this wasn’t just and excuse for Pete to bitch about something that offended his fragile sensibilities which coincided with the only time Pete has ever watched a baseball game in his life.

We moved because the attendants were either unwilling or unable to deal with the loud mouths.

This disappoints me. I thought Pete would stand up and smack one of the guys in the face with a batting glove and declare, “Sir, I demand satisfaction!”

NOTE: See what I did there, I made reference to something semi-obscure but not an event that saturated the cable networks for an entire news cycle. I hope said reference resonated with someone, and I’m looking at you, Toasty Joe.

And you wonder why more stadiums have designated areas exclusively for families. Why shouldn’t the entire ballpark be family friendly?

Because I’m for strippers giving lap dances in the seating area, PA announcers swearing during player introductions and hard core porno on the Diamond-vision.

Sports is not the opera, and we’re not advocating that fans sit back in their seats and politely applaud or boo within reason.

Does Pete boo at the opera? That is a very confusing sentence. He is NOT advocating booing within reason? So fans should boo unreasonably or boo without reason? For example, if Michael Young homers, Rangers fans should boo him? I really need to go to the opera with Pete to see how this is accomplished.

But some fans need to be reminded that they are in attendance to watch “The Show,” not to star in it.

Pete starts the piece writing about a story that’s barely interesting for two seconds, and then uses erroneous facts and anecdotal stories to support some kind of non-point in order to end with a condescending preachy condemnation on “sports” fans in general. Pete, you have no respect for your profession, your paper, your colleagues or your readers. Way to go Pete.

You’re an idiot.