I can’t bring myself to write about this weekend’s sweep. Instead, I will dedicate my efforts to the weekly hobby of mocking the world’s worst sports writer.

I really don’t know why I keep doing this but the man who claimed “Some baseball players wear batting helmets in the field as protection from objects being tossed from the stands” deserves public mockery. Pete did not issue a retraction nor did Pete respond to my email request for a list of players who wear batting helmets in the field for protection. This week’s Monday Morning Quarterback isn’t about baseball. It also doesn’t have any references to pop-culture events that happened 5 years ago, Madonna “jokes”, incorrect facts or Communist rants about how evil sports franchises make money. It does contain pretentiousness, steroid contempt, contempt for sports fans and faulty logic so I am going to ridicule this incompetent “sportswriter” yet again.

Will all apologies to Fire Joe Morgan, funnier and better than me, blah, blah, blah, we have:

The greatest athletes who lost this weekend

That is really the title; I’m not making that up.

By PETE ALFANO
STAR-TELEGRAM STAFF WRITER

I can’t believe he has the nerve to put his name on these pieces of garbage. I also like how he writes “STAR-TELEGRAM STAFF WRITER” after his name. It’s like he knows no one would believe he gets paid for writing these pointless articles.

The weekend that might have been in sports might have been disappointing but at least spared us the self-indulgent exercise of assigning an athlete — human or equine — a place in history.

Wow, that is an awkwardly written sentence. I don’t care how many words he had to look up in the dictionary, it is a clumsy contrivance. He used “might” twice in the same sentence. What an opening salvo. Doesn’t an athlete earn a place in history? If not, I would like to assign Shannen Doherty a place in baseball history because she’s hot. I heard she plays secondbase.

It’s what happens when you live in an ESPN “Instant Classic” world.

Oh, Pete, is this another pompous condescending assault on your readers or sports fans in general? Why bother? We all know the disdain and contempt you have for “John Q. Sportsfan.”

It seems as if no one can just sit back and enjoy an athletic achievement nowadays without trying to determine where it ranks. Even before Big Brown showed more horse sense than his handlers and decided during the race that given a cracked hoof, no steroids and a 90-degree day in New York, he’d rather not run in the Belmont Stakes, pundits were saying that the big 3-year-old colt was not in the class of Secretariat, Seattle Slew or Affirmed, all Triple Crown winners in the 1970s.

Shame on you pundits and fans alike who shall remain nameless and not because Pete made them up or anything, but because they are real.

I guess the “horse sense” thing was supposed to be a joke, whatever.

Well over 100,000 fans had come to Belmont Park hoping to see Big Brown become the first horse since Affirmed in 1978 to win the Triple Crown. Sports fans, and even non-fans, gathered expectantly around their TVs to watch as well, and yet, some people were already dissing the competition Big Brown had faced and speculating whether he was winning the Triple Crown by default.

Take that, “some people.” That’s what drives me nuts about Pete and his stupid column. He always makes reference to people he doesn’t identify. “Some people” is not accurately crediting your source or identifying your subject for the reader. It’s nothing.

Not to worry. You probably won’t hear Big Brown’s name mentioned among the legion of great thoroughbreds again.

I’ve got nothing…

Then, on Sunday, Roger Federer was in the final of the French Open with a chance to win his first Grand Slam event on clay and 13th Slam title, which probably would have cemented his status as the greatest player of all time.

This is one of Pete Alfano’s trademarks. His most annoying is making up facts. second is jamming two unrelated sporting events together to make a non-point while grasping at straws to prove the two are related. Which they’re not.

Hey, here’s a snobby lament about horse racing and now I am going to talk about tennis as if the two are even close to being similar sports except they happened on the same weekend. One is a man, the others a horse.

The problem is that Rafael Nadal, the clay court wunderkind from Spain, was on the other side of the net. And Federer turned in the type of big-event performance that we haven’t seen since, well, Saturday during the Belmont.

See, it’s like one never ending non-sequitur.

Nadal — an absolute dynamo on red clay — beat Federer for the third consecutive year in the French Open final. The score was 6-1, 6-3, 6-0, one of the worst final thrashings in more than 30 years. Federer didn’t quit, but he too was eased up.

“he too was eased up” doesn’t make any sense unless Pete is suggesting that Roger Federer made it to the French Open final with a jockey literally on his back, controlling his movement. I don’t watch tennis but if that’s the case, then that is impressive.

Nadal now has won the French Open four times in a row and did not lose a set in seven matches this year. It is probably fair to say that if someone — anyone — could have upset Nadal the past three years, Federer would have at least one French Open title.

It is also probably fair to say that if someone – anyone — can mash their fist on a keyboard, they can be employed as a staff writer by the Fort Worth Star Telegram.

Also, what are you talking about? If someone would have beat the guy who won, then Federer would be champ? Would it not seem likely that if there were someone better than Nadal- who beat you, that player would also beat you?

Thus, he might already have tied or surpassed Pete Sampras, who has the most Grand Slam titles, with 14.

What?

Comparing athletes from different generations is always tricky business because the playing field is constantly shifting. It used to be that track and field was a sport where you could measure the past and present because success is based on time and distance, but now you have to wonder how many records were steroid-aided.

Back to familiar ground, Pete bitching about steroids. Bring me the jaded, wacko nut job tirade, Petey boy.

And forgive the Monday Morning Quarterback for not being overwhelmed by baseball players reaching home run milestones because of the proliferation of performance-enhancing drugs in the sport for a generation.

Ah, that’s it.

Attention A-Rod, Griffey and Manny, though you’ve never been even slightly associated with PED’s other than you play baseball with other players who have used PED, Pete would like you to know, he’s NOT overwhelmed. Please forgive him.

Also, what does that have to do with tennis or horseracing?

In tennis, the consensus has been that Rod Laver deserves to be recognized as the greatest of all time because he won the Grand Slam twice and was the last to accomplish it almost 40 years ago. But the sport is much more competitive now than in Laver’s day. And, whereas three of the Slam events were played on grass back then, all four are on different surfaces now (grass, clay and two types of hard-court).

Throw in all the clay court specialists, and it seems unfair that tennis historians are a little reluctant to crown Sampras and Federer — both terrific athletes — as the best because they haven’t won the French.

So the title of this article should have been “Sampras and Federer: the co-best even though they haven’t won the French.”

I like how he shortens the French Open to just “the French” as if he’s a expert in the sport of Tennis. If you’ve ever read a Pete Alfano piece you will know that this is not the case as Pete doesn’t know anything about anything.

So, reaching the French Open final three times might not be quite good enough for Federer, who is approaching 27 and might have to hope some other clay court marvel can eliminate Nadal to clear an obstacle-free path to tennis immortality.

What? That sounds like Federer is planning a hit on Nadel. Again it is false logic to claim that if someone can beat Nadal, Federer would have a guarantee of defeating him. You would have to assume that said challenger would probably be pretty tough to beat. Repeating the same point doesn’t make it any less unsound. You are a crazy man.

No, it wasn’t quite the hyperbole-filled sports weekend we envisioned.

Pete does not know what the word hyperbole means.

Instead we are reminded of the late Jim McKay, and how he would have said that Big Brown and Roger Federer had gone from the “thrill of victory” to “the agony of defeat.”
palfano@star-telegram.com
Pete Alfano, 817-390-7985

The worst way to end a column, even this column: a tired, obvious quote that highlights absolutely nothing. Thanks for cheapening Jim McKay’s life, I hope his family isn’t reading the Fort Worth Star Telegram. I don’t think anyone is reading the Fort Worth Star Telegram.

With the Mets finally playing well, I probably should be spending more time enjoying my team’s recent success rather than lampooning a local sports writer and his god-awful, inept articles.

I should probably let this untalented author pass off his lazily written, ill-planned and barely thought-out crap as legitimate sports writing for my local newspaper.

I should probably do a lot of things. This week, Pete pens a well written and thought provoking piece on homosexual relationships and their impact on social norms, vis-à-vis acceptance in American culture, citing several noted sociologists and in-depth research. Just kidding, instead, with all apologies to Fire Joe Morgan, funnier and better than mine, blah, blah, blah, here is a vacuous piece of drivel entitled:

When is a kiss just a kiss, and a fan just a fan?

When Pete poses his title as a question, you know it’s going to be terrible.

Well, here’s a subject that ought to bring out the worst in everyone.

And I’m sure it’s a subject that brings out the worst literary ineptitude in the author. I swear to God, that’s his opening sentence. Can this guy write or what?

There was an incident at Safeco Field in Seattle last week in which a fuss was raised when a fan objected to two women kissing during a Mariners game. We have to assume this show of affection had nothing to do with baseball, given how solidly entrenched the Mariners are in last place in the American League West.

HYYYYY-OOOOHHHHHHHH! ZING!

Apparently

Man, this guy needs a new crutch word

the fan –and reportedly it was a woman attending the game with her son - took offense to this same-sex kiss and alerted an usher, who told the women to stop. Now, it gets really murky at this point because some eyewitness accounts say the kiss was a liplock worthy of Madonna and Britney Spears, while others say it was simply a peck on the lips or cheek.

Ah, the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards. I come for the shaky, feebly thought out premises but stay for the references to pop culture events that are five years or older.

Isn’t he burying the lede here? Are lesbians hanging out at baseball games?

Sirbrina Guerrero, one of the women involved, has filed a discrimination complaint over the incident. A spokesperson for the Mariners - a woman, by the way- says the club is looking into the matter. Guerrero, we should mention, has been a contestant on an MTV reality series.

I really hate people that speak of themselves as “we.” I wonder how many voices they have in their head. I also hate people that speak in the third person.

So, what does this have to do with sports?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Only in that it is another example of how ballparks and arenas have become communities unto themselves, where fans have become part of the game and much of what goes on in the real world doesn’t always apply.

First off, I have no idea what “much of what goes on in the real world doesn’t always apply” means. Are ballparks subject to a different set of federal laws like Indian reservations?

And another example of how ball parks have become communities where fans have become a part of the game? Did Ichiro get thrown out stealing third with two outs because the women were kissing? Did the kissing cause Jerrod Washburn to lose the strikezone? How were they part of the game?

Also: “Another example?” Where are the first examples?

Certainly, if heterosexual or gay couples are using a public setting to make out as if it were the back seat of a car, they are crossing the line and should be given a warning, then a room.

Great job stating the obvious. Keep in mind that this is IN THE NEWSPAPER. Also, since he is now referencing settings outside the ballpark I would like to point out that he wrote “much of what goes on in the real world doesn’t always apply.” a paragraph ago.

In fact, there is a provision at Safeco Field that says people showing “displays of affection not appropriate in a family setting” can be escorted out.

That is a poorly constructed sentence. Incidentally, I googled “women kissing Safeco Field” to check up on this story (because Pete sometimes just makes shit up) and every single article was shorter and better written than this one.

But Guerrero and her friend might have a case if they were just exchanging an innocent kiss. How many stadiums around the country have “Kiss Cams” that show a couple on those big screens and encourage them to kiss? We have a suspicion the Kiss Cam has never stopped on a gay couple, male or female. Are these two women victims, or were they trying to make a point?

As opposed to you, who just asks the reader questions and, under no circumstances, ever makes any point, ever. Also: I’ve seen “Kiss Cams” stop on two men, usually wearing a rival team’s gear and sometimes they do kiss (usually it seems like a gag) but I have no idea as to their sexuality.

Would anyone have been offended if they had kissed at the base of the Space Needle?

That is not germane to anything.

To some extent, sports teams have brought this on themselves. Scoreboard messages encourage fans to cheer louder, or boo the opponent as if fans need any extra incentive. TV cameras train on young men with painted chests, young women in shorts and halter tops, and any eccentric they can find. You’ve seen them: the guy making a fool of himself dancing in the aisle, or anyone dressed for Halloween.

I seriously doubt that whether Jose Reyes turns a double play on a short hop ground ball is decided by the shot SNY got of a guy in a clown wig. There is that one time Daryl Strawberry made an error on a fly ball opening up a big inning and caused the Mets to lose a game in 1985 because of my kick-ass Darth Vader Halloween costume.

At least that exhibitionism is generally good-natured. Increasingly, however, some fans are under the impression that purchasing a ticket entitles them to say and do whatever they please. Players aren’t just booed; they’re taunted and verbally abused in a manner that shouldn’t be tolerated. Athletes might earn millions, but that doesn’t mean fans have the right to say things that might subject them to an arrest on the street.

Cry me a river, Sally. God, this is the most boring, worn out “sports” subject ever. It goes:
1. Rose in/out of the Hall of Fame
2. To Boo or not to Boo
3. To Pay/Not Pay College Athletes
4. Instant Replay in Baseball

This is like reading a self-righteous Sporting News Radio transcript. Besides that, the last time I checked, yelling profanity laced or racist taunts gets you escorted out of the stadium. It isn’t tolerated and fans don’t have the right. Your entire point is moot.

We also know too well about players going into the stands during an NBA game in Detroit in 2004 after being provoked, and fans at Giants Stadium tossing ice-encrusted snowballs at players and officials. Some baseball players wear batting helmets in the field as protection from objects being tossed from the stands.

What? Do you watch any baseball? Who wears a batting helmet in the field? First and third base coaches have to wear helmets now so they don’t get hit in the head with foul balls. John Olerud wore a batting helmet in the field but he retired in 2005, and again, to protect against baseballs. Pete would try and have us believe that fans throwing things at players is so rampant that “some players” are wearing them in the field. Either Pete is:

A. Lazy and assumes that his readers are too ignorant to know better.
B. A compulsive liar
C. Ignorant about Major League Baseball
D. A crazy man

Feel free to make stuff up though, Pete.

If Pete wanted to write this story he should have cited the firstbase umpire or the firstbase coach attacked by fans on separate occasions in Chicago or the obsessed Stefi Graf fan who attacked Monica Seles. Those fans were not representative of the average fan, but a better argument than just making something up. If you were going to write a story about unruly fans you shouldn’t have started it off writing about two lesbians kissing.

Wasn’t this article about when a fan is a fan and a kiss is a kiss?

Fans here have not stooped to such levels, but the Monday Morning Quarterback remembers going to a Rangers game with his family a few years ago and eventually requesting that our seats be changed because of an obnoxious, inebriated foursome (two men, two women) behind us.

I was, in fact, a member of that foursome. Ok, I wasn’t, but how great would it have been if I was? I have a theory that they were knowledgeable fans intelligently discussing the Rangers. When Pete overheard them using facts and stats to discuss baseball and not bitching about insignificant, asinine nonsense or bemoaning player salaries, he became offended as Pete, of course, didn’t know what BABIP, OPS, RISP, WHIP or VORP meant so he assumed thought they were drunk and obnoxious. Tell me this wasn’t just and excuse for Pete to bitch about something that offended his fragile sensibilities which coincided with the only time Pete has ever watched a baseball game in his life.

We moved because the attendants were either unwilling or unable to deal with the loud mouths.

This disappoints me. I thought Pete would stand up and smack one of the guys in the face with a batting glove and declare, “Sir, I demand satisfaction!”

NOTE: See what I did there, I made reference to something semi-obscure but not an event that saturated the cable networks for an entire news cycle. I hope said reference resonated with someone, and I’m looking at you, Toasty Joe.

And you wonder why more stadiums have designated areas exclusively for families. Why shouldn’t the entire ballpark be family friendly?

Because I’m for strippers giving lap dances in the seating area, PA announcers swearing during player introductions and hard core porno on the Diamond-vision.

Sports is not the opera, and we’re not advocating that fans sit back in their seats and politely applaud or boo within reason.

Does Pete boo at the opera? That is a very confusing sentence. He is NOT advocating booing within reason? So fans should boo unreasonably or boo without reason? For example, if Michael Young homers, Rangers fans should boo him? I really need to go to the opera with Pete to see how this is accomplished.

But some fans need to be reminded that they are in attendance to watch “The Show,” not to star in it.

Pete starts the piece writing about a story that’s barely interesting for two seconds, and then uses erroneous facts and anecdotal stories to support some kind of non-point in order to end with a condescending preachy condemnation on “sports” fans in general. Pete, you have no respect for your profession, your paper, your colleagues or your readers. Way to go Pete.

You’re an idiot.

Fantastic weekend, the Mets have put together a stretch of consistent baseball. It finally feels good to be a Mets fan again.

After the Fox broadcast and listening to Tim McCarver spout nonsense all Saturday afternoon (“Nothing good can happen after a leadoff walk.” I don’t know, how about a double play?) I decided to go and watch the game at the Fox and Hound where they mercifully play music rather than force there customers to endure Joe Morgan and Jon Miller. After the game was over, Takin Care of Business came on, I shit you not.

I’m not really buying the whole sit-down with management and singling out Delgado is the source of the Mets recent turn around. The players are likely coming out of a normal, unusually simultaneous slump, a team wide regression to the mean if you will. The sit down with management and sit down of Delgado did make me feel better.

I won’t say I am upset that Sunday’s game was moved to Sunday night for ESPN. I always felt it’s kind of a special thing to be a national game. If anything, we can appreciate Keith Gary and Ron more.

On that same note, SNY’s coverage has been fantastic lately. Let Keith do all the games behind the plate, I love to hear his analysis of a pitcher from field level.

The Mets are West Coast after only 23 hours after the last game ended. Who better to send to the mound after traversing the country than that emotional rock Oliver Perez and his laser beam like focus. What could possibly go wrong?

Pedro Martinez pitches Tuesday and though I’ve pretty much resigned myself not to expect another inning out of Pedro all year, I’ll be cringing on every pitch and every fielded ball.

Is this what we’ve been waiting for or is it a sedistic tease of the winning streak we’ve been waiting on for around a year?

Who knows. I’ll take what I can get these days. That game was the reason I love baseball. The Mets fought hard. Contributions came from everywhere. There was even spectacular defense (I still can’t believe Beltran made that catch) timely hitting and great work from the pen (homerun aside, did Duaner get the filthy back?)

I say this with wishful abandon: Bring on Brad Penny!

Let’s Go Mets!

Tuesday night I was watching the Mets take on the Marlins and the strangest thing happened: I had fun watching the game. It was weird. I wasn’t depressed or upset, just happy to be watching the Mets play.

Reyes and Wright were making sharp plays, Beltran looked sharp in the field. It was almost eerie.

Then something even stranger happened. The Mets had more runs on the board when Santana left the game. Then the bullpen didn’t blow the lead! I even turned off the game after it was over and no one was booing.

I really hope that happens again this year!

Sometimes you go through life not knowing what effect your actions have on the lives of others. It is rewarding to know that you make a difference in the world. Back in March, I found this in my local paper. It was possibly the worst written piece of garbage I’ve ever seen in print. You don’t forget the first time you read a Pete Alfano piece; it’s like witnessing a violent death. It just sticks with you. From the bad grammar to the shoddy premise to the factual errors and lack of research; it makes an unforgettable impression of bad humor in the form of referencing semi-current events. Often it is nothing more than a list of things that happened that month or a bitter rant about sports franchises having the gall to make a profit. I made a promise to myself that every time he wrote something even semi-baseball related, I would give him is due ridicule.

After my first piece, the Fort Worth Star Telegram pulled said piece out of the archives. It is still on my site for the public to see. I never knew if Pete read my site or was just blissfully ignorant of my mockery. I am now absolutely certain that Pete is a reader of Lonestar Mets. (Pete, if you would like to comment, I will gladly grant you full commenter status.)

As I side note, I wonder exactly how he came to find the existence of my site because:

A. Pete does not strike me a vain man who would Google “Pete Alfano” to see if anyone reference him or his column
B. As it’s been pointed out on this site several times, Pete hates to do any research of any kind, including typing ‘2008 Luxury Tax team by team’ into a search engine to insure the Mets were indeed over the threshold before writing that they were over the limit.

Since I am fairly certain Pete did not come to find Lonestar Mets on his own, I can assume one of two scenarios occurred.

Scenario One: Employees found this site and began to read it. Pete noticed that anytime he approached a coworker, they closed their browser and Pete noticed several hushed giggles and whispers and glances in his direction. Some anonymous coworker printed out a copy an put it on his desk.

Scenario Two: The publisher found Lonestar Mets and dressed down Pete’s editor to chastising him for the fact he had not been reading his columnist work. The following conversation occurred:

Pete’s Editor: ALFANO, GET IN HERE!
Pete Alfano: You needed to see me boss?
PE: What the hell is this? This is what you’ve been writing? I just got a call from corporate management.
PA: (In sarcastic tone) Pssh, corporate, bastards always trying to make money, capitalist pigs.
PE: Don’t even start that communist rhetoric again, last year you got our summer intern deported. Look at this, Madonna references, that’s like 20 years old!
PA: Yeah, I remember laughing when writing it, funny huh?
PE: You might as well be making Janet Jackson nipple jokes!
PA: (Coyly smiling) Hey, did you read this weeks column?
PE: Just because you make a reference to some pop culture reference when writing about sports does not make it humor. (scrolling down on the screen) Secretary of Sports? what were you thinking? This is supposed to be professional newspaper! You need to start writing in a professional matter, this is your last chance. No more stupid references to pop culture, questions to the reader you don’t answer and tedious lists of things! Now get out of my office!

This week, Pete takes on the issue of firing head coaches or managers and in doing so tackles the issue of racism, perceived or otherwise, and anti-Semitism. Those are some weighty issues for the man who penned “SPORTS LEAGUES, PLEASE GIVE THESE GUYS A BREAK” and tackled the momentous issue of bottled water in baseball. Anyway, this weeks Monday Morning Quarterback isn’t terrible. It does, uncharacteristically, lack random references to current events, an Alfano staple, or hacky attempts at humor.

I normally would let this pass, despite the point of the piece is that coaches sometimes get fired in an effort to appease an aggravated fan base. I may have inspired Pete to try and improve as a writer. Granted, his article is still trite and stale as per usual, but not near as annoying as a typical Alfano piece. I think Pete is trying to bait me, here but it’s worth it.

But worry not Pete, I made a vow back in March and I will honor it now. All appologies to Fire Joe Morgan, blah, blah blah. Here we go…more after the jump (more…)

A four game sweep at the hands of the hated Braves. To say this team is underachieving would be a severe understatement. I’ve been defending Willie all year but something has got to change. I’ve been waiting for this team to snap out of whatever funk has been lingering since September.

I have been under the impression that the Manager has little effect on the field or the outcome of the game. A manger’s bullpen management can win or lose a game; though if Willie would like to put his job on the line with his track record for bullpen management, he shouldn’t bother to get on the plane. The most important role of a major league manager is massaging egos. Randolph cannot simply instruct Reyes to start hitting, or order strikeouts from Oliver Perez. There is too much talent on the 2008 Mets to be this mediocre. Ryan Church has kept the Mets in a division with no clear cut favorite.

Something has to change. Is it all Willie’s fault? Probably not, but it is the easiest change to make. I don’t see it solving all of the teams problems, but is a change.

Honestly, I’m so sick of watching these halfhearted throw away losses night after night, any change would be a welcome one.

I was going to dive into Willie playing the race card and Iron Mike retiring until I saw this. I’ll get back to the Mets and mediocrity and imaginary racism and a hero’s retirement later. Pete Alfano has spoken.

With all apologies to Fire Joe Morgan (who does this much better and funnier), I couldn’t, in good conscience let this pass with out its due mockery…

Well here we are on a Monday and who else to judge the state of sporting world with anecdotal evidence and poorly thought out pronouncements. I probably could have let this go except for the fact it’s completely arbitrary, unfunny, lacks any direction and I hate people that refer to themselves as “we.” It also has the trademark communist Alfano and as always extra pompous condescension, enjoy:

A Secretary of Sports might not be a bad idea
By PETE ALFANO
Star-Telegram Staff Writer
We know there are far greater issues facing the country than what goes on in the sports world, but after a week of routine perusing of the sports news, a question arises about whether the time has come for the next president of the U.S. to consider creating an agency or even cabinet-level position for oversight of sports.

No one- no one thinks that. But at least this isn’t the usual Alfano bitter tripe about sports franchises making money and how government regulation will somehow make the game more enjoyable.

We know that people generally prefer less intrusion from the federal government, but given how sports leagues are usually reluctant to police themselves without some encouragement from lawmakers or law enforcement agencies, maybe a Secretary of Sports is not such a bad idea. This is a billion-dollar business after all,

Oh.

I swear, this man can’t wrap his head around the idea that SPORTS FRANCHISES ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE MONEY. It is not a new idea to ANYONE except Pete.

and while fans have been patient almost to a fault, no one knows when the tipping point will be reached, and stadiums and arenas will start looking like some of those houses in your neighborhood in foreclosure.

Notice the typical Alfano style “joke” in which the only “humor” is a passing reference to some relatively current event?

The Monday Morning Quarterback is being a little dramatic, but sometimes, that’s how you make your point.

Hold on. In case you missed it (I don’t blame you if you did) this is you go about making a slightly dramatic point:

“…no one knows when the tipping point will be reached, and stadiums and arenas will start looking like some of those houses in your neighborhood in foreclosure.” Is how you go about expressing that, “A Secretary of Sports might not be a bad idea”

The public pays big bucks to attend games, and in this economic climate, it deserves more than the kind of headlines we are seeing on an almost daily basis.

So, “stadiums and arenas will start looking like some of those houses in your neighborhood in foreclosure.” Which is why, “A Secretary of Sports might not be a bad idea” so that the public will have the kind of headlines it deserves. Brilliant.

Maybe the President will grant the Secretary of Sports the dual office of Sports Page Headline Czar. Also, I love, LOVE the irony of Pete complaining about something in the newspaper.

How can you get enthused about Big Brown’s bid for the Triple Crown, the Dallas Stars’ attempt to make history in the NHL playoffs or even the rise to respectability of the Texas Rangers without noticing the litany of sordid events that offset the feel-good news?

Pete is one of the guys that never reads a paper or watches the news because “it’s too depressing” which is a perfectly acceptable (though ignorant) assertion provided you don’t WORK FOR A NEWSPAPER.

Start with the U.S. Attorney’s office that wants to subpoena as many as 100 baseball players in the BALCO steroid distribution case, not necessarily to bring charges against the players, but to learn where they got the drugs. Drug testing aside, steroid use is illegal in this country without a valid medical reason. And the desire to hit 40 home runs a season doesn’t qualify as one.

Incredulous outrage at steroid use doesn’t qualify as comedy. Unless your Whoopi Goldberg, then it’s pure talent (Note: That’s a burn). Also: thanks for the year old news story.

An aside: Did you hear that home runs are down significantly this season? Do you really think that’s a coincidence?

Some people watch baseball, the others that wait to “hear” about baseball work for the Fort Worth Star Telegram.

So, while we all made fun (the MMQB included) of the Congressional hearings into steroid use, would Major League Baseball and the Players Association have toughened their drug testing program and increased penalties without that “circus” in Washington, D.C.?

Is Pete implying that it was not a kind of a circus?

How to write a Pete Alfano column:
Step 1: Compile a list of things you’ve heard people talking about going back 20 years or so. IMPORTANT: DO NOT DO ANY RESEARCH; FACTS ARE IRRELEVANT
Step 2: Start writing, use as many marginally topical references to mask the fact you aren’t making any sense. (Note: Do not be concerned with a valid or logical argument)

Now, football types are taking digs at Sen. Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania because he won’t let go of Roger Goodell’s pants leg.

Now, columnist types are exemplifying bad writing.

The “law and order” commissioner just wants Spygate to go away, saying that fining the New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick and taking their first pick in the recent NFL draft was a sufficient penalty.

20 bucks says Pete wrote this durring a re-run of Law and Order.

“What more can I do?” is what Goodell basically said. Well, maybe Specter thinks that the Patriots’ spying over several years represents a pattern of behavior and not just a one-time transgression. Maybe it is apparent that the Patriots would still be spying if the Jets hadn’t blown the whistle on their hated rivals at the start of last season.

Maybe it is apparent = doesn’t make sense

Maybe this rationale that everybody cheats or tries to cheat is not the kind of image that the NFL should aspire to.

Maybe Pete should be the first US Secretary of Sports and bring his short sighted judgment, haughty ideas and hatred of capitalism to the forefront of the sporting world in order to give us the sports headlines we deserve and sculpt the NFL’s image.

But all of this is child’s play compared to the betting scandal that NBA commissioner David Stern is dismissing as an isolated event. The Feds announced at the end of last week that referee Tim Donaghy had gambled on more than 100 games over a three-year period, among them 14 that he officiated. He also passed on tips to big-time gamblers and received a cash bonus when they won. A little something for his trouble.

I picture Pete typing this on his typewriter with a sneer on his face and chortling while rolling his eyes at the end of every sentence. I am positive he said that last sentence out loud as he typed it in an bad Italian accent.

Stern has called Donaghy a “rogue” and says that gambling is not pervasive in the league. This just in: A Las Vegas casino is bringing legal action against Charles Barkley for non-payment of a $400,000 gambling debt. Barkley, who is an NBA studio host on the TNT network, says it was an oversight. He also says that he has been gambling for 20 years, which means he would have started when he was 25 and entering his basketball prime.

Well you actually have a point that might legitimately an investigation, maybe even by the federal government. Bring it home with your conclusion that convinces me that there is a need for a “Secretary of Sports.” Can Pete reach a valid and logical point in one of these god-awful pieces of crap? Bring it all home Pete!

We’re starting to think that maybe all that smoke Josh Howard is blowing is clouding Stern’s judgment.

Or undermine it with a hacky, unfunny and nonsensical snipe at the commissioner rather than reinforce of what I assume was the point of your article: Commissioners don’t have the authority to regulate their respective sports thus the need for a “Secretary of Sports.”

He was so close.

Also, I would like to point out, Pete’s already reusing joke from his Josh Howard comedy series. You remember the last time one of Pete’s columns was on this site:

Apparently there’s another banned substance problem in sports.
And it doesn’t have anything to do with Josh Howard’s admission on Michael Irvin’s radio show that he likes to chill during the off-season by smoking weed. A whimsical thought here: Given Irvin’s brush with drugs over the years, do you think he and Howard may have a future as the new Cheech and Chong?

Hyi-oohhhhh. He isn’t even trying to be unoriginally unfunny anymore. That or he has an extremely limited source of current sporting events. Feel free to drop him a line and ask:

Pete Alfano 817-390-7985
palfano@star-telegram.com

Hacky writing at its best, Pete Alfano

It hasn’t been for a while in Mets land. The boo-birds are in season, to the point of near overpopulation in Queens .

Not that this is a piece about the eternal “boo or not to boo” chestnut that makes its way around the papers and the blogosphere. Nor am I the righteous type to condemn those that boo their own team. Boo, don’t boo, whatever. While I’m on the subject, I think its about time to put said argument into the Pete Rose in the hall of fame, Whether to pay college athletes or any other generic worn out argument that’s fodder for every Guy Sports Radio show in America .

What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah.

I’m actually sick of watching Mets baseball right now. How bizarre is that? I am the guy who, while living in the dorms, used to bribe guys that had cable in their rooms with a case of beer on a Friday night so that I could watch the Mets-Cubs game on WGN while they went out to party and meet hot girls. I stayed up all night on opening day of 2000 to watch the Mets play the Cubs in Japan at 4:30 in the morning because I couldn’t wait for the tape delay later in the day on ESPN. I even once passed on tickets to the 1999 Texas Tech upset of Texas A&M (the Aggies were ranked in the top 10 at the time) in order to watch Rick Reed beat the Pirates just to keep the team’s season mathematically alive- and I LOVE Red Raider football. Not that anyone that’s read this site has to be convinced of my Mets addiction. The point is that its Mets Yankees weekend and my emotions have ranged from dread to merely, “eh.”

I have been trying to figure out why all day after the afternoon crime perpetrated against Mike Pelfrey. I could try and make a list but we all know the problems on the field. It’s not just a shoddy bullpen, or age taking its toll or failure to hit in key situations or bad defensive plays. I’ve lived through a lot of bad Mets baseball teams and I can’t remember ever being as indignant at my team as I am this year.

I’m not annoyed in the sense that I want to watch them lose, I just watch expecting them to lose.

Problem #1
The Bullpen is shoddy and there isn’t much Omar or the front office can do about it now, everything else is as bad or, if its even possible, worse. In baseball today, bullpens are fickle from year to year. The best case senerio is that Duaner keeps building stamina and hopefully come close to his 06 velocity and that Joe Smith can mature at a rapid pace. If and when Pedro and El Duque come back, El Duque might stabilize the pen, but I wouldn’t count on it. Heilman should figure out his demons in mop up time and I never want to see Jorge Sosa again.

Problem #2
On the other side of the coin, the offense has been very suspect. Beltran looked like he was getting hot, Wright started off the year on fire but his bat has cooled. Reyes has shown brief flashes, not much else. The Mets mediocre start would have been catastrophic if Ryan Church wasn’t in the lineup. I could assume Alou will heat up with more work, but I’ve learned a long time ago not to count on anyone over 38 in a Mets uniform. Delgado…never mind, this isn’t as cathartic as I imagined.

You know the problems, if you’re still watching. Problem #2 could actually help the staff out of this funk. If the Mets start jumping to leads early, maybe…I don’t know, some leadoff triples, and give the staff a big lead to work with, the Willie would be able to use his pen for more than an inning and rest those weary bullpen arms. Otherwise…well if you were around last August and September you know what happens.

Ugly, crap the bed night as the other team jeers your pitcher little league style. Check.

Roster moves and your team responding to the perceived insult. Check

Hielman lets a winnable game get out of hand. Check.

The offense disappears during a brilliant pitching performance. Check.

Have you ever been deeply asleep enjoying a great dream and get awakened suddenly. You’re not fully awake and you try to go back to sleep and finish your dream but it it’s never as good as the original dream. You finally wake up to reality which isn’t as good as the original dream or the lesser one.

2006 was the dream, 2007 was the lesser comparison and 2008 is reality. The Mets are a .500 ball club, at least for right now. They’re one winning streak away from the division lead and one losing streak from falling out of contention. That is what we’re used to as Mets fans; a team on the lip of the cup and a summer of hoping they find a rhythm. The rhythm isn’t there more often than not.

The most difficult thing about this 2008 season is that there should be enough talent here to dominate the division. Granted, a bullpen that gives away three or four runs seemingly every night isn’t contusive to a winning inclination. The Mets kick off inter-league play this weekend against the hated Yankees. If the remarks from last year claiming boredom and complacency from the confidence in knowing they can turn it on when it matters, I say, show us this weekend.

And to Willie: STOP USING HIELMAN IN KEY SITUATIONS OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FLY TO NEW YORK AND PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!

Now I feel better.

And by the way
I recently discovered Mets Police. It’s a great blog, if you haven’t be sure to check it out.