Is a bag of waterlogged baseballs too much to ask for?

From Mets.com

NEW YORK — With holes in their rotation and their bullpen not yet repaired, the Mets have another pitching issue to address, one that might add a starter at the cost of one of their incumbent relievers. Aaron Heilman wants out of the ‘pen and into the rotation, or, if that can’t be arranged, out of the Mets

Well one of those things is definitely going to happen. The other, not so much. Maybe Aaron is hoping that some other team hasn’t watched him pitch in the past two seasons…or doesn’t have access to video…or the internet…or doesn’t read any newspapers…or talk to people.

Anyway, this idiot had something to say:

“The object the entire time has never been to get out of New York,” agent Mark Rodgers was quoted as having said. “The object is to get out of the bullpen.”

Rogers continued. “Well that and the other object was to set a new example of horrid relief pitching in New York, the likes of which eclipses Doug Sisk and I think he’s done that without a shadow of a doubt.”

Ok, he really didn’t say that, but what a pair on this guy. Unless of course, Aaron is so unhappy in Queens he wants a trade at any cost. If you remember (I try to block most Heilman related memories) this isn’t the first time him and his douchy agent have tried this. Then of course, there was Aaron’s public unhappiness with his lack of a parking spot, after his last appearece cost the team a trip to the World Series.

Honestly, I could live the rest of my life and never see Heilman in a Mets uniform and I’m sure I have a good number of companions on that opinion. You know what, scrap that, I am so tired of watching Aaron blow leads late in games, it almost made me hate baseball last season so I’m going to go ahead and write little sarcastic digs after random paragraphs, ok? Great:

Now, though, after a season in which he fell into disfavor and then into disuse, Heilman wants to be used in a role he considers better suited for his skills, and for the first time, he has reinforced his request with an expressed willingness to leave the organization that developed him if his request isn’t accommodated.

Because why wouldn’t it make sense to plan you rotation around a man you depend on to get to the sixth inning when he couldn’t string together three outs without giving up a home run and/or walking the ballpark.

Because he was the Mets’ primary “crossover” pitcher — a pitcher used against right-handed and left-handed hitters — his ineffectiveness affected the bullpen more than the shortfall of any other reliever.

And by crossover, it means he’s equally ineffective against right and left-handed batters.

I’m tired of this already. I would like to thank Aaron for lowering his trade value even lower (if that’s even possible.) Incidentally, the story currently up, written by Marty Noble originally linked to a story by Jim Mallory and was much more critical of Heilman.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that any and all things from Notre Dame suck sweaty balls …except Mark Bavaro.

NOTE: the alternate title I had in mind was Aaron Heilman and the horse he rode in on.

Today the Mets announced that number 13 won’t be back on the mound anytime soon. I’m not a doctor but and sentence that starts with “increased inflammation in a tendon in Wagner’s left elbow despite rest” is usually accompanied by the phrase “requiring surgery and long term rehab.”

Also, from the same piece:

The Mets would not discount the possibility that Wagner may have suffered structural damage in his elbow, admitting only that they won’t know for sure until the swelling subsides.

Wagner’s season is over. The hope that the pen could hold it together long enough for him to get some rest is gone. What’s worse is there is absolutely no one who is capable of filling the closer’s role. Kunz maybe that man someday, but not today.

Even if the Mets can slug their way to the NL East title, there is no way to succeed in October minus a closer. Let’s have a look at what’s left of the Mets relief corps or as I’ve come to call the them, “Midnight Meat Train; THE MOST TERRIFYING RIDE YOU’LL EVER TAKE”:

Is it just me or does that sound like a title to a gay porn flick?

Aaron Heilman: Bust

Duaner Sanchez: Would have been a great candidate prior to July 31, 2006. Anyone have a time machine?

Pedro Felicano: Specialist

Scott Schoeneweis: Specialist

Joe Smith: Most likely a specialist or mid relief guy.

Brian Stokes: Mop up reliever/long man

Luis Ayala: A fresh arm to eat innings, not even candidate to be an early inning stopper

The Mets have publicly toyed with the idea of moving a starter to the bullpen, but unless we’re moving Johan out there, I don’t see it happening. With Maine’s sore arm, consecutive appearances aren’t sensible or likely. Pelfrey has finally figured out how to be a starter. Ollie is the biggest headcase to pitch for the Mets since Armando Benitez. Pedro might have success, but with his record of injury, a shift to the pen won’t be prudent. Most of that speculation was likely a smokescreen to give Minaya some leverage on what was left of the trade market.

What’s worse, this or Braden Looper circa 05? Hmmmmmm…

“Closer in the making” -Billy Wagner on Aaron Heilman, Spring Training 2008

Even with Wagner’s grandstanding, empty proclamation, it’s obvious to even the most casual observer that Heilman is not a closer of the past, present or future. “He maybe a closer in another dimension” said the weird guy wearing a Lord of the Rings t-shirt, “but that’s just ridiculous.”

Only hours after being named interim closer by default and Billy Wagner’s endorsement as a closer in the making, Aaron Heilman took the mound at Shea Stadium with a 6-2 lead and the task of collecting the last three outs. Only moments later, Heilman had soiled walked the leadoff hitter, allowed a bloop hit, allowed a homerun to a punch and Judy hitter and soiled himself before dejectedly slinking into the dugout.

Coming as a shock to absolutely no one, Heilman was completely ineffective as the ninth inning pitcher, unsuccessfully deceiving hitters or locating his change up, or as it’s been know around the league, “the homerun ball.”

Manuel had foolishly selected Heilman as his interim closer, referring to the veteran right-hander as “a cross-over pitcher” in that he gives up homeruns against weak right-handed and left-handed hitters alike.

Manuel also made nonsensical assertions that Heilman’s changeup could be effective as an out pitch in late game, pressure situations.

In the aftermath of the Mets’ 6-5 victory against the Padres on Tuesday night, the Jerry Manuel opened a bottle of water and asked out loud if it could be changed to wine. It was a stunningly frightening indication that the Mets manager had become so delusional he actually believed he was Jesus.

Before the homestand began, Manuel had used the phrase “closer by committee” and soon after, he acknowledged Heilman would do most of the closing, or in other words, be the committee chairman.

Chairman Heilman accepted the challenge and immediately disbanded the committee and filed for chapter 11, but not before ciphering off enough company assets into accounts in the Cayman Islands that investors lost their lifesavings.

It’s been a long, strange fall from grace for Heilman. After being the Mets first draft pick in 2001, Heilman was actually held in high regard by Mets management. Unbelievably Heilman made an impressive start, pitching a complete game one hitter. But, it was all downhill from there.

After surrendering a homerun in the 2006 NLCS to Yadier Molina, bitching about a parking spot in spring training, countless multiple run innings and gutless performances, Heilman arrived at Shea Wednesday afternoon to find the personal effects of his locker laying in the gutter on Roosevelt Avenue and banned for life from Shea Stadium.

As Heilman ran down Roosevelt Avenue, chased by angry Mets fans hurling bags of their own urine, it served as a perfect microcosm of his career with the Mets.