On to the Mets, who, after a three game series at home against Philadelphia, hold a two game lead in the-

Wait, he wrote what?

New Orleans?

Why would he…?

What does that have to do with…?

Ok, my backspace key isn’t working so forget what I wrote earlier, here we go:

Pete’s written some excessively insane things (claiming fielders are wearing batting helmets for protection against things thrown from the stands) since I’ve started reading his nonsense, but this is just off the charts psychotic. I’m not sure I even know how to demonstrate how insane this is.

Forecast for NFL in New Orleans partly cloudy

His name is Ike and this destructive force of nature might play a role in the future of the Saints in New Orleans.

Oops! Pronoun disagreement! Want me to help? His name is Ike and his destructive force…(I could have let that go but in the opening sentence? Nope)

His name is Pete and the enormity of his legendary drivel might play a role in the demise of western civilization.

Sound inconceivable?

What, the thing you said? Yes. What I said; the second thing? No. Because what I said; that thing, that’s dead on.

Not when the Monday Morning Quarterback was thinking about how reports were rampant that team owner Tom Benson was looking to move the franchise after Hurricane Katrina struck the Big Easy in 2005.

That is a junky, awkward sentence. Referring to himself in the third person plural form and his insistence on writing in a passive voice when an active one is begging to be employed is baffling and severely hinders him as a writer.

Because of the damage to the Louisiana Superdome, the Saints spent the season playing “home” games in San Antonio and Baton Rouge.

Pete’s right, they really should have played in the Superdome. “Run a five yard slant, I’ll pumpfake when you get to the pile of feces, then break for the piece of the caved in roof and I’ll hit you near that puddle of vomit, on two ready…”

But their return to the Superdome in 2006 was heralded as a morale booster for the city, and a sign that it was on the road to recovery. And according to a report by the Brookings Institution, there has been significant progress made even though that trend has slowed in 2008.

The antecedent here appears to be “morale booster” to which, significant progress has been made, through slowed in 2008 according to an unnamed report by the Brookings Institution. How exactly is that quantifiable? What are you talking about? Referents are an overrated luxury at the Fort Worth Star Telegram.

The report issued on the third anniversary of Katrina, says that New Orleans has regained 72 percent of pre-hurricane households and the region as a whole has regained 86 percent of its jobs. But there is a lack of affordable housing, rents have skyrocketed and thousands of badly damaged houses remain vacant and blights on the city landscape.

If any other writer were penning this piece, the reader could reasonable assume he is talking about “a report by the Brookings Institution” but since this is Pete Alfano, he could be discussing anything from anywhere.

You have to wonder whether the recovery will be slowed even more by Hurricane Gustav, which delivered a glancing blow to New Orleans last Monday, and the menacing presence of Hurricane Ike, ravaging Haiti and Cuba, with its track potentially taking it into the Gulf, where it could regain strength and perhaps make landfall along the Louisiana coast late this week.

That’s why it seemed like the Saints were squeezing a football game between evacuations Sunday when they returned home to defeat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24-20 at the Superdome. The game wasn’t shifted to Tampa as the NFL was prepared to do if Gustav had landed a direct blow to New Orleans. And it was played even though thousands of evacuees had not yet returned home. In fact, attendance was announced at 69,881 — an impressive show of support.

He’s right; it does sound like the “Forecast for NFL in New Orleans partly cloudy” after a near sellout in the middle of a hurricane.

But if residents are asked to leave again because of Ike, you just have to wonder what the long-term impact will be on New Orleans.

I’m sorry, but people that stubbornly live in hurricane areas, below sea level, counterintuitive to common sense, are not going to pack up because the Saints have to play an extra game on the road. If a giant flood destroys your city and you decide to stick around, 7 home games instead of 8 won’t be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

You know what? The name of this piece should be changed from “Monday Morning Quarterback” to “Counterintuitive to Common Sense”

In addition to San Antonio, there were reports in 2005 that Benson was thinking of moving the Saints to Los Angeles, the second-biggest market in the country — and one that’s without a pro football team.

There would have been multiple ways to write that sentence correctly. He chose the wrong one. Also, I seriously doubt there were “reports”. If so, reports from whom, Benson? Did he make a list with pros and cons and send it Kinko’s to get it laminated and bound and distributed to the AP? No, no he didn’t.

In 2005 Benson may have also considered moving the Saints to Los Angeles; the second biggest market in the country and former home of the Rams and Raiders.

Benson may have had other destinations besides San Antonio. In 2005 the Saints owner supposedly considered moving the team to Los Angeles, another city without an NFL team.

Los Angeles has been a prospective destination for Benson’s Saints in the past. According to rumors, Los Angeles, the second biggest market in the country, may have been in the running for the Saints new home in 2005.

Instead, Pete sadly wrote: “In addition to San Antonio, there were reports in 2005 that Benson was thinking of moving the Saints to Los Angeles, the second-biggest market in the country — and one that’s without a pro football team.“

We also know there was an earthquake in LA about six weeks ago, a reminder that if sports franchises were awarded on criteria that included immunity from natural disasters, we wouldn’t have many teams to follow.

Unnecessary. Stupid. Point.

And a reminder that if the Fort Worth Star Telegram published columns on the criteria that included they make some kind of sense, we wouldn’t have many pieces to read.

Earthquakes can affect teams in California; tornadoes are a fact of life in Texas and the Midwest; and the Florida Gulf Coast and the Eastern Seaboard are vulnerable to hurricanes. But raise your hand if you think the Dolphins would leave Miami or the Panthers check out of Charlotte if Ike or some other hurricane struck there.

Is Pete suggesting some kind of bias attached to the citizens of New Orleans? I am confused as to the implication there. Is Pete suggesting Saints fans are less loyal to their team? Is this an attack on the community of New Orleans or Miami or Charlotte?

But even though New Orleans has been in the NFL since 1967, it feels like we’re always looking in the rearview mirror for the Mayflower moving vans.

I can explain this: they stink. Do you know how I know the Saints won’t win the Superbowl this year? Because they’re the Saints.

Who is always looking in the rearview mirror for Mayflower moving vans? What does that even mean? Why the rearview mirror? Are the Mayflower trucks chasing you? I think the Florida Marlins are a better candidate to move from Miami than the Saints are a candidate to move from New Orleans.

At least Pete isn’t speculating on how relocation from the storm-ravaged city by the Saint would be a Public Relations Nightmare; especially one motivated by money, because that isn’t happening.

Sure, it would be a public relations nightmare for the NFL office to endorse a move as the city continues its recovery, but pro football is a business and the bottom line is making money. Can Benson make money in a storm-ravaged city?

Shame on you NFL and Benson for Pete imagining you might be considering something you’re not considering. How dare you?

You know he’s just dying to go on a socialist rant about evil sports franchises making a profit but he’s already on the FBI watch list as a communist agitator and on the FAA’s no-fly list.

Also: sure it would be a PR nightmare should the NFL endorse a move from New Orleans IF anyone was considering moving. But since they aren’t, it’s not. End of story.

For one afternoon, however, the resilient fans basked in a different kind of breeze, as Drew Brees passed for three touchdowns, among them the game-winning 42-yarder to Reggie Bush midway through the fourth quarter.

Let me try, see what you think:

In the spirit of Mardi Gras, no stranger to female nudity, Saints fans gawked at a different kind of bush flash, as Reggie Bush scored the game winning TD on a 42 yard pass from Drew Brees.

I like mine better. Vagina.

According to the Associated Press, fans tailgated before the game even though debris and toppled fences lay nearby.

The AP could not confirm if the debris and toppled fences were due to weather damage or just the usual random garbage that populates New Orleans. Hiiiyyyooo!

“Coming off a week where everyone was displaced from their homes here in New Orleans, and coming back and obviously having the fans back in full force — it was awesome,” Brees said after the game.

And now they hold their breath and hope that they and their team don’t have to leave again.
PETE ALFANO, 817-390-7985

What an ending. Try and wrap your head around this. No one, I mean no one, is speculating that the Saints are permanently leaving New Orleans. But only after he, Pete Alfano proposed something that isn’t happening, he, Pete Alfano, then chose to scold the Saints and the NFL for his, Pete Alfano’s own speculation, then makes a passionate summation closing with the statement that New Orleans holds out against hope that his, Pete Alfano’s made up scenario doesn’t come true.

Think about that for a minute.

I’ve seen Pete misstate facts and blatantly make up facts to support a point, but I don’t think I’ve ever read anyone propose something out of no where and then criticize others for something he made up.

Way to fail to achieve an air of condescension based on the arrogance gleaned from holding yourself above others for something you imagined. You may be a genius.

Probably not.

Replacing Brett Favre a tough task and Green Bay Packers making it worse

I love a title written in broken English.

Hey, Pete got a new picture, I think he needs a haircut, what do you think:

…….Before….and….After

You’re an attractive man Pete, don’t think I haven’t noticed

So, all you need to know about Aaron Rodgers’ future in Green Bay can be neatly summarized by this quote: “He followed a legend, and how do you do that? It’s so unfair.”

That is all you need to know based on the above unqualified quote. Using “so” to start a sentence, especially the opening sentence, exemplifies the extraordinary literary incompetence that defines Pete Alfano.

No, that isn’t a Packers teammate describing Rodgers’ daunting task of replacing Brett Favre. It was a comment made by Kansas City Chiefs offensive coordinator Paul Hackett about Steve Young in an interview with the Sporting News in 1994.

Seriously man, you are going to open with a 14 year old quote that was completely wrong, uttered by a man comparing Young to his quarterback to illustrate whatever non-point you’ve come up with? Good work!

I know when I think about Super Bowl XXIX MVP and Hall of Famer, two time league MVP and seven time All-Pro, the adjective I would use to summarize his career is “unfair.”

The San Francisco 49ers had decided a year earlier that it was time for Joe Montana — four Super Bowl rings and title of greatest quarterback ever notwithstanding — to move on.

If the Packers knew Rodgers would be as good as Steve Young, the Packers would have cut Favre yesterday.

Young had taken over in 1991, while Montana was injured, and then, in ’93, the 49ers traded Montana to Kansas City, where he continued to shine.

For two years.

In the weaker AFC.

Meanwhile, Young sucked ass in San Francisco only winning the NFC West in 1992, 93, 94, 95 and 97 and a Superbowl of which he was MVP.

And, while Young was in the process of forging a Hall of Fame career of his own, including a Super Bowl victory, he was never fully embraced by Bay Area fans, who worshipped Montana.

From the same Sporting News piece: “This is the way it is for Young in San Francisco. When he wins, as he did two Mondays ago in the 49ers’ 44-14 victory over the Raiders, he walks off the field to resounding cheers. They love him.”

So winning is what really matters, no?

I don’t know that Young was never embraced. I knew a lot of Niner fans in the 90’s and I never met one that disliked Steve Young. I know that is anecdotal; but since Pete bases his opinion on nothing, why not?

The Sporting News story recounted how a billboard on the highway between old Candlestick Park and the 49ers’ practice facility in Santa Clara, Calif., encouraged fans to read the local paper to see who the Chiefs were playing that Sunday.

I wish there really was a billboard worded: “read the local paper to see who the Chiefs [are] playing that Sunday.” However, since that is a horrendously constructed sentence, I am going to assume Pete is paraphrasing here. Though I do remember reading how Bill Walsh elected to implement his west coast offense after passing a roadside billboard that read: “Throw to receivers pass good, running game fewer.”

According to the Sporting News piece I assume Pete is referring, the sign really read:
“Who’s K.C. Playing This Week? Better Check the San Jose Mercury News.”

If there is one way to dictate how you run your football franchise, it’s the ad campaign of the San Jose Mercury News.

The story said that there were more fans wearing Montana jerseys than Young jerseys at 49ers games well after Montana was gone.

Before the whole dog fighting thing, Michael Vick was a top jersey seller. Want him on your team? Anyway, here are the top sellers from 2007 since that is such an important factor in determining your franchise quarterback:

1. RB LaDainian Tomlinson (Chargers)
2. RB Reggie Bush (Saints)
3. Brian Urlacher (Bears)
4. Peyton Manning (Colts)
5. Brett Favre (Packers)
6. Tom Brady (Patriots)
7. Troy Polamalu (Steelers)
8. Vince Young (Titans)
9. Adrian Peterson (Vikings)
10. Randy Moss (Patriots)

Brent Jones, the tight end who had been one of Montana’s favorite targets, told the Sporting News, “There’s never going to be another Joe, and Steve knows that.”

Jones then added, “And I mean never. I hope his kids read this and realize their father is an utter failure. I [expletive] hate Mormons!” OK, I made that part up, but I would like to point out the quote is from the same freaking article.

What this means is that the Favre-Packers soap opera is only delaying the inevitable.

Which is?

It really doesn’t matter whether the Packers continued to welcome Favre back with open arms — even given his penchant for playing Hamlet during the off-season — or trade him so that the Rodgers era can begin.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to make a point here, my bad.

In fact, it doesn’t matter who ultimately replaces Favre because Cheese Heads are going to pine for No. 4 whether he is wearing another team’s jersey or fishing in Mississippi.

Factors on whether a franchise is successful:

1. Cheese Heads pining for No. 4
2. Ratio of ex-active players to active players jersey’s worn in stadium
3. Win-loss record

Ever hear of Richard Todd? He was a quarterback at Alabama who was drafted by the New York Jets in 1976 to succeed Joe Namath, another ’Bama quarterback in the gimpy twilight of his career. Todd had a decent 10-year career, but he was no Broadway Joe.

This might be the most pointless Alfano piece I’ve ever read. So what, it wasn’t like Namath would have played until 1986. Besides that, Namath probably shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame based on his numbers and one lucky Superbowl. Honestly, what’s the point?

How many lemons — among them Cleo Lemon — have the Miami Dolphins had at quarterback trying to succeed Dan Marino?

Hiiiiighoooooo!…

*sad trombone sound*

Do you think Jake Cutler is having an easy time making people forget John Elway in Denver?

Whoever Jake Cutler is, he hasn’t made me forget John Elway at all. In fact I had to google Jake Cutler and found out he is a high school junior that plays running back/linebacker for the Pana Panthers of Pana, IL. I really don’t see how he would hope to make people forget Elway since he’s only in high school, doesn’t play quarterback and isn’t even in Colorado.

If Pete is referring to Jay Christopher Cutler who is currently playing for Denver, it’s a lot easier than if Elway was playing in the NFL. Regardless, I haven’t heard of any “Bring Back Elway” movements in the Rockies.

And Tony Romo should give thanks every day for “Q,” a couple of guys named Drew, and Chad and Vinny — quarterbacks that Cowboy fans will never confuse with Troy Aikman. But they did form a bridge that has made it possible for Romo to be judged mostly on his own merits.

Or was it that Romo won? Hmmmm, that’s a toughy…

If Rodgers has a bridge, he may seriously think about jumping off it.

Oh Pete, you actually broke your metaphor.

He is entering the fourth year of a five-year contract that he signed when the Packers drafted him out of Cal in 2005. He has had the benefit of being tutored by one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history, but that’s his curse, too.

Pete is going to state the obvious and ask some questions now. Anybody watch Generation Kill? It’s pretty good so far.

That’s why the Packers have been foolish to play hardball with Favre. They know as well as anyone that he gives them the best chance of making another run at the Super Bowl. They also don’t have to be reminded that they have a championship caliber team with three quarterbacks — Rodgers and rookies Brian Brohm and Matt Flynn — who have never started an NFL game.

David Simon is greatness, I loved the Wire.

How is it going to look if Favre continues to excel this season somewhere else while the kids all struggle?

I think the Humvee driver is the same guy from The Wire season 2. As the great warrior poet Ice Cube wrote, “A day which does not require an AK…is good.”

But perhaps the Packers are also figuring that continuing to cater to Favre’s whims means that, in a couple of years, they probably won’t have him or Rodgers.

Probably won’t have both Favre and Rodgers? “Probably” is the adverb you chose there instead of, I don’t know, definitely or certainly.

The reality is that is probably going to happen anyway.
PETE ALFANO, 817-390-7985

That is poor writing and bare minimum research at its finest.

So allow me to summarize this piece for you (that is if you’re still reading this) to a shorter version:
Aaron Rodgers is doomed in Green Bay no matter how good he is because even though it worked out for Steve Young in SF, it didn’t for Jake Cutler in Pana and Cleo Lemon in Miami but it doesn’t matter anyway because, man, who knows…

He could have done us a favor and just reprinted the Sporting News article.