It occurred to me that I’ve been doing so much on Pete Alfano stuff lately that this site should be renamed Fire Pete Alfano. I realize that my readers don’t care what a hacky journalist in Fort Worth writes about. I should just go back to obsessing over the Mets. Pete seems like an ok guy and I probably should just let him get away with his threadbare, obvious observations posing as analysis and fourth grade literacy.

On to the Mets, who, after a three game series at home against Philadelphia, hold a two game lead in the-

Wait, he wrote what?

New Orleans?

Why would he…?

What does that have to do with…?

Ok, my backspace key isn’t working so forget what I wrote earlier, here we go:

Pete’s written some excessively insane things (claiming fielders are wearing batting helmets for protection against things thrown from the stands) since I’ve started reading his nonsense, but this is just off the charts psychotic. I’m not sure I even know how to demonstrate how insane this is.

Forecast for NFL in New Orleans partly cloudy

His name is Ike and this destructive force of nature might play a role in the future of the Saints in New Orleans.

Oops! Pronoun disagreement! Want me to help? His name is Ike and his destructive force…(I could have let that go but in the opening sentence? Nope)

His name is Pete and the enormity of his legendary drivel might play a role in the demise of western civilization.

Sound inconceivable?

What, the thing you said? Yes. What I said; the second thing? No. Because what I said; that thing, that’s dead on.

Not when the Monday Morning Quarterback was thinking about how reports were rampant that team owner Tom Benson was looking to move the franchise after Hurricane Katrina struck the Big Easy in 2005.

That is a junky, awkward sentence. Referring to himself in the third person plural form and his insistence on writing in a passive voice when an active one is begging to be employed is baffling and severely hinders him as a writer.

Because of the damage to the Louisiana Superdome, the Saints spent the season playing “home” games in San Antonio and Baton Rouge.

Pete’s right, they really should have played in the Superdome. “Run a five yard slant, I’ll pumpfake when you get to the pile of feces, then break for the piece of the caved in roof and I’ll hit you near that puddle of vomit, on two ready…”

But their return to the Superdome in 2006 was heralded as a morale booster for the city, and a sign that it was on the road to recovery. And according to a report by the Brookings Institution, there has been significant progress made even though that trend has slowed in 2008.

The antecedent here appears to be “morale booster” to which, significant progress has been made, through slowed in 2008 according to an unnamed report by the Brookings Institution. How exactly is that quantifiable? What are you talking about? Referents are an overrated luxury at the Fort Worth Star Telegram.

The report issued on the third anniversary of Katrina, says that New Orleans has regained 72 percent of pre-hurricane households and the region as a whole has regained 86 percent of its jobs. But there is a lack of affordable housing, rents have skyrocketed and thousands of badly damaged houses remain vacant and blights on the city landscape.

If any other writer were penning this piece, the reader could reasonable assume he is talking about “a report by the Brookings Institution” but since this is Pete Alfano, he could be discussing anything from anywhere.

You have to wonder whether the recovery will be slowed even more by Hurricane Gustav, which delivered a glancing blow to New Orleans last Monday, and the menacing presence of Hurricane Ike, ravaging Haiti and Cuba, with its track potentially taking it into the Gulf, where it could regain strength and perhaps make landfall along the Louisiana coast late this week.

That’s why it seemed like the Saints were squeezing a football game between evacuations Sunday when they returned home to defeat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24-20 at the Superdome. The game wasn’t shifted to Tampa as the NFL was prepared to do if Gustav had landed a direct blow to New Orleans. And it was played even though thousands of evacuees had not yet returned home. In fact, attendance was announced at 69,881 — an impressive show of support.

He’s right; it does sound like the “Forecast for NFL in New Orleans partly cloudy” after a near sellout in the middle of a hurricane.

But if residents are asked to leave again because of Ike, you just have to wonder what the long-term impact will be on New Orleans.

I’m sorry, but people that stubbornly live in hurricane areas, below sea level, counterintuitive to common sense, are not going to pack up because the Saints have to play an extra game on the road. If a giant flood destroys your city and you decide to stick around, 7 home games instead of 8 won’t be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

You know what? The name of this piece should be changed from “Monday Morning Quarterback” to “Counterintuitive to Common Sense”

In addition to San Antonio, there were reports in 2005 that Benson was thinking of moving the Saints to Los Angeles, the second-biggest market in the country — and one that’s without a pro football team.

There would have been multiple ways to write that sentence correctly. He chose the wrong one. Also, I seriously doubt there were “reports”. If so, reports from whom, Benson? Did he make a list with pros and cons and send it Kinko’s to get it laminated and bound and distributed to the AP? No, no he didn’t.

In 2005 Benson may have also considered moving the Saints to Los Angeles; the second biggest market in the country and former home of the Rams and Raiders.

Benson may have had other destinations besides San Antonio. In 2005 the Saints owner supposedly considered moving the team to Los Angeles, another city without an NFL team.

Los Angeles has been a prospective destination for Benson’s Saints in the past. According to rumors, Los Angeles, the second biggest market in the country, may have been in the running for the Saints new home in 2005.

Instead, Pete sadly wrote: “In addition to San Antonio, there were reports in 2005 that Benson was thinking of moving the Saints to Los Angeles, the second-biggest market in the country — and one that’s without a pro football team.“

We also know there was an earthquake in LA about six weeks ago, a reminder that if sports franchises were awarded on criteria that included immunity from natural disasters, we wouldn’t have many teams to follow.

Unnecessary. Stupid. Point.

And a reminder that if the Fort Worth Star Telegram published columns on the criteria that included they make some kind of sense, we wouldn’t have many pieces to read.

Earthquakes can affect teams in California; tornadoes are a fact of life in Texas and the Midwest; and the Florida Gulf Coast and the Eastern Seaboard are vulnerable to hurricanes. But raise your hand if you think the Dolphins would leave Miami or the Panthers check out of Charlotte if Ike or some other hurricane struck there.

Is Pete suggesting some kind of bias attached to the citizens of New Orleans? I am confused as to the implication there. Is Pete suggesting Saints fans are less loyal to their team? Is this an attack on the community of New Orleans or Miami or Charlotte?

But even though New Orleans has been in the NFL since 1967, it feels like we’re always looking in the rearview mirror for the Mayflower moving vans.

I can explain this: they stink. Do you know how I know the Saints won’t win the Superbowl this year? Because they’re the Saints.

Who is always looking in the rearview mirror for Mayflower moving vans? What does that even mean? Why the rearview mirror? Are the Mayflower trucks chasing you? I think the Florida Marlins are a better candidate to move from Miami than the Saints are a candidate to move from New Orleans.

At least Pete isn’t speculating on how relocation from the storm-ravaged city by the Saint would be a Public Relations Nightmare; especially one motivated by money, because that isn’t happening.

Sure, it would be a public relations nightmare for the NFL office to endorse a move as the city continues its recovery, but pro football is a business and the bottom line is making money. Can Benson make money in a storm-ravaged city?

Shame on you NFL and Benson for Pete imagining you might be considering something you’re not considering. How dare you?

You know he’s just dying to go on a socialist rant about evil sports franchises making a profit but he’s already on the FBI watch list as a communist agitator and on the FAA’s no-fly list.

Also: sure it would be a PR nightmare should the NFL endorse a move from New Orleans IF anyone was considering moving. But since they aren’t, it’s not. End of story.

For one afternoon, however, the resilient fans basked in a different kind of breeze, as Drew Brees passed for three touchdowns, among them the game-winning 42-yarder to Reggie Bush midway through the fourth quarter.

Let me try, see what you think:

In the spirit of Mardi Gras, no stranger to female nudity, Saints fans gawked at a different kind of bush flash, as Reggie Bush scored the game winning TD on a 42 yard pass from Drew Brees.

I like mine better. Vagina.

According to the Associated Press, fans tailgated before the game even though debris and toppled fences lay nearby.

The AP could not confirm if the debris and toppled fences were due to weather damage or just the usual random garbage that populates New Orleans. Hiiiyyyooo!

“Coming off a week where everyone was displaced from their homes here in New Orleans, and coming back and obviously having the fans back in full force — it was awesome,” Brees said after the game.

And now they hold their breath and hope that they and their team don’t have to leave again.
PETE ALFANO, 817-390-7985

What an ending. Try and wrap your head around this. No one, I mean no one, is speculating that the Saints are permanently leaving New Orleans. But only after he, Pete Alfano proposed something that isn’t happening, he, Pete Alfano, then chose to scold the Saints and the NFL for his, Pete Alfano’s own speculation, then makes a passionate summation closing with the statement that New Orleans holds out against hope that his, Pete Alfano’s made up scenario doesn’t come true.

Think about that for a minute.

I’ve seen Pete misstate facts and blatantly make up facts to support a point, but I don’t think I’ve ever read anyone propose something out of no where and then criticize others for something he made up.

Way to fail to achieve an air of condescension based on the arrogance gleaned from holding yourself above others for something you imagined. You may be a genius.

Probably not.

Posted under FJM ripoff, Pete Alfano

Happy Labor Day everybody!

As Labor Day is on a Monday, who better to pen an unfortunate piece, reporting old news regarding the LPGA and that special brand of Pete Alfano “humor” we’ve all come to love on this site. Also, watch Pete invalidate his article about a third of the way though. Enjoy.

I realize this has nothing to do with baseball, but hey, Pete just “teed it up” for me.

Get it?

Hello?

Anyone?

In plain English, LPGA triple-bogeyed this one

Annyong ha shimnikka.

In case you’re wondering, that’s not a typo or a sign that the Monday Morning Quarterback was out late partying Sunday night.

I’ve always assumed every MMQB piece is written in a state of extreme intoxication or after severe cranial trauma.

It’s actually hello in Korean, at least the translation using the Roman alphabet instead of Korean characters. We’re mentioning it because of the fuss caused last week by the LPGA Tour, which issued a “speak it or leave it” order to the non- English-speaking players on the Tour.

Oh, goodie

By the way, if you have been around athletes as much as the MMQB, this directive can be issued to many athletes who grew up in this country as well.

Ah, the trademark condescending elitist racism Pete Alfano is known for on this site.

Now, we’re not going to get into the politics involved here;

By “politics” he means “bitter communist rant”

it is understandable that with so many young Korean women excelling in golf, the ability to promote and market the sport is restricted when the players don’t speak English.

Yep, women golfers who don’t speak English is exactly what’s standing in the way of the LPGA becoming America’s national pastime.

This is not like Yao Ming playing for the Houston Rockets or Ichiro playing for the Seattle Mariners because they have teammates, many of whom speak a version of English. And the word is that Ichiro speaks English a lot better than he lets on.

It’s not like the LPGA because people actually care about the NBA and Major League Baseball.

These women are independent contractors and as such, represent themselves. Not being able to speak English certainly has an impact on the women’s tour, which is struggling for any attention it can get.

Women golfers could be fluent in English, Spanish, Sign Language and Sanskrit; no one is going to care about the LPGA.

The problem is that this very public way of making the women comply — pass an oral exam or face suspension — won’t earn anyone in the LPGA hierarchy an ambassadorship in the next president’s administration.

McCain and Obama were both heatedly vying for the LPGA hierarchy to head their respective diplomatic core. Now they’ll probably have to settle for someone with actual foreign relations experience.

Who knows? Maybe the LPGA did ask nicely and was rebuffed. But it is looking very insensitive, and unless you subscribe to the theory that any publicity is good publicity, we bet the LPGA can hardly wait for the NFL season and Ryder Cup matches to begin.

Because those events are actually worth watching.

The MMQB, however, is going to provide a public service for Korean and other international players in anticipation of these young women learning English. There are some phrases and clichés we hope never to hear from them:

Keep in mind, this written by a man who is a walking cliché of a hacky, under informed sports writer.

I am happy to set a new course record. Have you ever heard of anyone setting an old record? Sportscasters and athletes alike drive us crazy with this particular phrase. The MMQB could supplement his fast-fading 401K if he had a dollar for every time an Olympic host or reporter in Beijing talked about “new records.”

Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the black box?

Does anyone else imagine Pete, while writing a ostensible piece to educate young female Korean golfers on how to speak English properly, constructed the sentence “I am happy to set a new course record” in a stereotypically offensive Asian accent? Kind of insensitive, no? What’s up next; “Herro, yu have dishonored my famiry by insurting my camera.”

I am in control of my own destiny. Actually, you’re not. According to Webster’s Dictionary, destiny is “a predetermined course of events,” which means you’re not in control. We could buy the Chicago Cubs if we had a dollar for all the times athletes and sportscasters use this one.

Can the next one be that by referring to yourself in the plural third person makes you sound like a self-important pompous windbag?* No? Just obvious tired jokes taking figurative sayings literally? Ok, whatcha got?

He (or she) is the best player never to have won a major. When did this become an official statistic in golf? I don’t see it anywhere in the PGA Tour or LPGA Tour record book. We can envision players in passionate debates over who really should be No. 1 for this dubious distinction. They can even get the BCS involved.

Ovaltine: The jar is round, the glass is round. Why don’t they call it “Round-tine?”

That’s a very makeable putt. Who says? A commentator with a 15 handicap? A golfer who is in the booth because he or she could never make enough of those makeable putts? If it’s on the lip, it’s a makeable putt. The rest is a crapshoot.

Who are you to criticize professional golf commentators when you, Pete Alfano, have never professionally commentated on golf?

Congratulations, you just undermined your whole column.

That was a beautiful golf shot. Duh. We’re not playing badminton. This particular cliché is used in every sport and has a number of derivatives such as, “We’re a good football team.” How the Cowboys would fare on a basketball court is another matter.

I find it ironic that Pete has a problem with redundant or unnecessary wordings.

Also: “Duh” = Top notch journalism.

There’s a logjam atop the leader board. Can’t we just say how many players are tied for the lead or are a couple of shots behind? This cliché is appropriate only on one of those log-rolling competitions seen on ESPN Gazillion.

I don’t know about log-rolling competitions. lets see what Wikipedia has to say:

Logrolling, or birling, is a sport that originated in the lumberjack tradition of the northeastern United States and Canada, involving logs in a river (traditionally) or other body of water. After bringing their logs downriver, the lumberjacks would have a competition to see who could balance on a log the longest while it is still rolling in the river.

The contest involves two lumberjacks, each on one end of a log floating in the river. One or the other starts “walking” (or “rolling”) the log, and the other is forced to keep up. The contest involves attempting to stay on the log while attempting to cause the competitor to lose their balance and splash into the water.

So from what I gather, lumberjacks compete simultaneously, meaning this “cliché” is not appropriate in “those log-rolling competitions seen on ESPN Gazillion.”

He, or she, has to get up and down in two. Up and down from where? The golf cart? Even in English, this doesn’t make sense.

(Sighs)

…..

…..

This is terrible. The only thing more puzzling than the existence of this pointless article is why someone would spend their Labor Day analyzing it.

That ball’s wet. Oh, you mean it was hit into the water. Sometimes, it’s “that ball found water.” Not really; the golfer hit the ball and it landed in the water. A golf ball really can’t find anything.

Crap, well I guess I wasted my time organizing my coalition for golf ball rights. I like how the “cliché” he refers to is not the subject of his criticism.

It’s pin high. Can you be pin low? Pin off to the side? Is this some veiled reference to performance-enhancing drugs?

And there’s your steroid “joke” for the week.

Come to think of it, maybe everyone in sports needs to enroll in these English-speaking classes; we writers as well.

Just one writer, just one.

Sources: www.dictionary.reference.com; www.sportscliche.com
PETE ALFANO, 817-390-7985

There you have it. At least he made some attempt at research and citing his sources. One of those sources is the dictionary but I’ll take what I can get.

*This statement does not apply to Rickey Henderson: the only man who has mastered the art of speaking in third person plurals.

Posted under FJM ripoff, Pete Alfano

With the Mets lead reduced to a half game, I thought it would be a fun time to see what our friend Smarmy Pete Alfano is up to. Let’s see if Pete just rambles on with a collection of half thoughts until he fills the column. I’m betting he does, lets see!

Monday Morning Quarterback: U.S. redeems itself on, off court

Don’t worry, as always Pete’s title has nothing to do with this piece.

With the football season fast-approaching, the Monday Morning Quarterback is practicing a hurry-up drill:

Pete’s inner monologue (also in third person plural form): Alright guys, two minute warning, from now on, no huddle. We’re in good field position as this piece will be completely unrelated to the title, should really throw off the reader. First a non-point based and backed up by nothing, make sure we get out of bounds and stop the paragraph before any coherent point. Then we’re going to thinly mask our communist ideology with a Soviet lament but screen it with an obvious statement. Then we slam an NFL legend all the while using sentence structure that reads like it was written in another language and translated by Babelfish. Then we feebly try and bash the Rangers but since we don’t ever watch baseball, we’ll just wet ourselves before ending with something about NASCAR. On two, ready? Break!

Redeem team wins gold
Redemption, in this case, may have more to do with the image of NBA players than their performance on a basketball court.

Now that the Olympics are over, Ron Artest is clearly a better human being contributing to society in a positive way. Later, I’m going to let Latrell Sprewell housesit for me, while I’m at a marriage retreat weekend hosted by Jason Kidd and Kobe Bryant.

The U.S. team was considered arrogant, aloof and boorish in Athens during the 2004 Olympics, and their play reflected it.

Pete Alfano is considered arrogant, aloof and boorish and his writing reflects it.

But LeBron James, Kobe Bryant and company were not only great teammates to one another in Beijing, but they shared Team U.S.A.’s camaraderie as well.

I don’t know what that means. They shared team USA’s camaraderie? How were they great teammates? Since the title of this is: “U.S. redeems itself on, off court” does Pete have some insight into their relationship in the clubhouse? This might be interesting…

As for having a difficult time with Spain in the final, well, with more international players coming to the NBA, winning the gold in the future will not be getting any easier.

Oh, a non-point, I should have known.

U.S. wins most medals; China has more gold
Those who come from the Vince Lombardi school will no doubt say that winning is the only thing and silver and bronze are just like parting gifts for game show contestants.

Because in the Olympics, you are either going to win the gold, silver or bronze medals, there is no other alternative, like say not medaling. Football is kinda like that; I remember when the Cowboys won the Bronze medal after the Icebowl.

But keep this in mind: If the old Soviet Union were reunited (as Russia apparently tried to initiate with its invasion of Georgia), it would have won more total medals than either the Americans or Chinese.

Uh…..hhmmmm….Kay, Pete delving into global geopolitics is like handing a chimpanzee a revolver. Why would we need to keep that in mind? Since I’ve established many times on this site that Pete is a Communist subversive, lets see where this goes.

Like in everything else, the world is catching up and the U.S. might have to revise its expectations going into future Olympics. We’re not always going to have a Michael Phelps around to win eight gold medals alone.

I assume the point of that whole thing was Pete reminiscing about his precious Soviet-communist utopia. I really hope so, because it would be very scary if a major newspaper devoted a paragraph to tell us, “We’re not always going to have a Michael Phelps around to win eight gold medals alone.”

Shawne Merriman has “career-threatening” knee injury
The amazing thing about this revelation is that Merriman — an all-pro linebacker for the San Diego Chargers — hasn’t had surgery yet for two separate ligament injuries that he says could end his career. That was the evaluation of two medical specialists who are not employed the Chargers, whose coach Norv Turner still holds out hope that team physicians can stabilize the knee so that Merriman can play this season.

Poorly constructed sentences are an Alfano Staple. I know, but stay with me here, this next one’s a doozy.

This may be the greatest failing of Gene Upshaw, a Hall of Fame offensive lineman and executive director of the NFLPA, who died this week of pancreatic cancer.

Gene Upshaw’s greatest failing = The revelation is that Merriman hasn’t had surgery yet for two separate ligament injuries that he says could end his career

Don’t think about that too long or you’ll go mad.

Upshaw helped players earn 60 percent of revenues and watched the salary cap climb to $116 million, but pro football is a brutal sport and next to auto racing, the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

…the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

…the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

…the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

Players do not have guaranteed contracts because of the high injury rate, negotiating instead for lucrative up-front bonus money. Retired players complain they have been forgotten by Upshaw and the union, and current players face tremendous pressure to play when hurt. And sometimes, that calls into question the ethics of team doctors. The NFL would do well to establish its own medical team of physicians and surgeons and have them evaluate all player injuries.

I don’t know about an NFL team of physicians but I do know that …the impact of a catastrophic is the greatest.

Texas Rangers dropping like a rock
Wild-card aspirations seem so misguided now because they were based on the Rangers mashing their way to the postseason.

Yeah, well shit happens.

They are the Texas Tech of Major League Baseball, but even Tech is supposed to have a good defense this season.

Kiss my ass, douchebag. Look, I am a Texas Tech Alumni so maybe I’m a little over sensitive here, but this is just stupid. Texas Tech has been bowl eligible every season since the inception of the Big 12. That’s twelve years in a row. For those of you unfamiliar with the workings of college football, that means a winning record every year with twelve consecutive winning seasons. The Red Raiders rank fifth nationally in consecutive winning seasons, trailing only Florida State (30), Michigan (22), Florida (19), and Virginia Tech (14). In that time, the Rangers have had only two consecutive winning seasons. But if I have to participate in this stupid comparison up, I’d label them as more of the Texas Aggies of Major League Baseball, i.e. powerhouse in the 90’s, poor shape today.

And, yes, I realize he was making a “joke” about the Red Raiders high octane offense and the Rangers offensive production but since I doubt Pete’s ever watched a Tech game, he can go eff himself. Lots of teams run the spread offense; it isn’t a novelty anymore. Anyone would compare a college football program to a Major League Baseball team deserves public mockery.

Look at the rise of the Tampa Bay Rays; it has been built on pitching, sound defense and timely hitting.

As opposed to the rise of the Chicago Cubs which was built on pitching underhand, grounding into double plays and fielding without a glove. Last year’s Red Sox team was built on fresh breath, clean uniforms and timely three-point jumpers. Remember when the Marlins won the series based on keeping their dugout neat and using proper tackling techniques? I once heard a theory that the team that scores the most runs wins but I heard it was unprovable. Go figure.

And it’s not that the Rangers don’t recognize good pitching prospects — Edinson Volquez (15-5), John Danks (10-6) and Armando Galarraga (12-4) — have combined for 37 victories in 2008. And only Danks (Chicago White Sox) is pitching for a team with a shot at the playoffs.

What does that have to do with…wait, no…still doesn’t make any sense. Is it Galarraga and Volquez’ fault their teams aren’t in contention? But you already said they were good pitching prospects. Is Pete actually going to discuss why a pitcher’s win-loss record is misleading, lets see…

At times it seems like Nolan Ryan is the only Ranger who hasn’t started a game this season. Insert your own punch line.

Oh, another “joke.” That “joke” was the literary equivelent of a fart, so thanks for that.

Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch do the “Bristol bump”
Rivalries and controversy are great for auto racing, although we would stop short of the cheating done by the Joe Gibbs racing team. But while there is nothing wrong with drivers confronting one another after a race, jawing, shoving, even punching or yanking on one another’s helmet, we’d rather not see them play bumper cars after crossing the finish line. That was what Edwards and Busch did in Bristol, Tenn., Saturday night when Edwards bumped Busch and went on to win the race, moving a closer second to Busch in the points race with only two more races before the Chase begins. Busch bumped Edwards to let him know how he felt, and Edwards returned the favor. Hey, guys, learn from Indy-car driver Danica Patrick, who gets in the other driver’s face.

And so in summation, Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch bumping each other after crossing the finish line is the quintessential moment that the U.S. redeems itself on, off court. Thank you!

I’ve prepared my response in open letter form:

Mr. Alfano, what you’ve just written is the most insanely idiotic thing I’ve ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent article did you approach anything that could be considered a rational thought. Every reader is now dumber for having read it. I award you nothing, and my God have mercy on your soul.

Posted under FJM ripoff, Pete Alfano