This is the way the fucking world ends. Look at this fucking shit we’re in man. Not with a bang, but with a whimper. And with a whimper, I’m fucking splitting, Jack. – Dennis Hopper, Apocalypse Now

This is not the Mets year. The starting pitching was there, the offense was there, but the pen is most definitely inadequate. I think in some we’ve all known that in the back of our mind for a while. Even if by some miracle the Mets hold on to first, there’s no way the pen can hold up against playoff caliber bats in the seventh, eighth and ninth.

Right now, I’m watching from a detached frame of mind. Watching this God-awful pen flush the season down the toilet, it occurred to me there is a silver lining. With every late inning, bases loaded jam, with every Manuel jog to the mound, every multi-reliever inning serves to glaringly shout at Omar Minaya and the Mets brass that:

YES YOU DO NEED TO SIGN K-ROD THIS OFFSEASON.

I don’t care about cost, hell if he costs what Johan costs, he’ll be worth it. If you go cheap in 09 every other game will be a heart breaking repeat of Sunday at Shea against the Braves. What freaking good is Johan if you give his lead right back.

Yeah, I’ve heard it, blah, blah, homegrown talent, fine. But until the youngins are ready, the Mets need a Major League quality closer and set up men. God bless Ayala and Stokes, they’ve done better than anyone could have expected, but again, these last two weeks serve as a glaring message to Omar Minaya and the Mets brass:

LUIS AYALA IS NOT A MAJOR LEAGUE QUALITY CLOSER. BRIAN STOKES IS NOT A MAJOR LEAGUE QUALITY SETUP MAN.

So try and take solace as the Mets relinquish their lead on the NL East and to play Shea Stadium’s last game ever as a meaningless contest between two non-playoff contenders. It’s a somewhat fitting end to Shea Stadium and if the stars align, Shea’s last game could be the Mets and Marlins: The battle for second place.

I really hope I’m wrong.

“Closer in the making” -Billy Wagner on Aaron Heilman, Spring Training 2008

Even with Wagner’s grandstanding, empty proclamation, it’s obvious to even the most casual observer that Heilman is not a closer of the past, present or future. “He maybe a closer in another dimension” said the weird guy wearing a Lord of the Rings t-shirt, “but that’s just ridiculous.”

Only hours after being named interim closer by default and Billy Wagner’s endorsement as a closer in the making, Aaron Heilman took the mound at Shea Stadium with a 6-2 lead and the task of collecting the last three outs. Only moments later, Heilman had soiled walked the leadoff hitter, allowed a bloop hit, allowed a homerun to a punch and Judy hitter and soiled himself before dejectedly slinking into the dugout.

Coming as a shock to absolutely no one, Heilman was completely ineffective as the ninth inning pitcher, unsuccessfully deceiving hitters or locating his change up, or as it’s been know around the league, “the homerun ball.”

Manuel had foolishly selected Heilman as his interim closer, referring to the veteran right-hander as “a cross-over pitcher” in that he gives up homeruns against weak right-handed and left-handed hitters alike.

Manuel also made nonsensical assertions that Heilman’s changeup could be effective as an out pitch in late game, pressure situations.

In the aftermath of the Mets’ 6-5 victory against the Padres on Tuesday night, the Jerry Manuel opened a bottle of water and asked out loud if it could be changed to wine. It was a stunningly frightening indication that the Mets manager had become so delusional he actually believed he was Jesus.

Before the homestand began, Manuel had used the phrase “closer by committee” and soon after, he acknowledged Heilman would do most of the closing, or in other words, be the committee chairman.

Chairman Heilman accepted the challenge and immediately disbanded the committee and filed for chapter 11, but not before ciphering off enough company assets into accounts in the Cayman Islands that investors lost their lifesavings.

It’s been a long, strange fall from grace for Heilman. After being the Mets first draft pick in 2001, Heilman was actually held in high regard by Mets management. Unbelievably Heilman made an impressive start, pitching a complete game one hitter. But, it was all downhill from there.

After surrendering a homerun in the 2006 NLCS to Yadier Molina, bitching about a parking spot in spring training, countless multiple run innings and gutless performances, Heilman arrived at Shea Wednesday afternoon to find the personal effects of his locker laying in the gutter on Roosevelt Avenue and banned for life from Shea Stadium.

As Heilman ran down Roosevelt Avenue, chased by angry Mets fans hurling bags of their own urine, it served as a perfect microcosm of his career with the Mets.